Sophrosyne

 Hi, 

It seems I only come on here whenever I'm in a bad headspace. It's a shame when I used to love writing here when I'm happy. I've been feeling empty lately, like I'm not really living. The days pass by and I'm rooted in one place unable to move. I cannot decipher my feelings anymore. I thought I've come to learn and identify my emotions but apparently it's a lot harder than I expected. It happens, bad days happen. But it's so hard to look forward to tomorrow when you know nothing awaits you. Maybe I need to make one of those lists again, the things I'm grateful for, I haven't done that yet in 2021.  

Life feels so bleak to me. I wanna do something I love again, something that makes me feel alive. I talked to some friends and funny enough they all asked me the same question, 

"What do you actually enjoy doing?"

It breaks my heart that I do not have a definite answer for that. What do I actually enjoy doing now? What do I look forward to? The things I used to love all seems to be slipping through my fingers. They no longer bring me joy or comfort, sometimes it feels like a chore. As we cruise through life, it's normal that our interests change. To grow out of certain hobbies, to let go of certain pastime but then what if nothing new comes? Nothing sparks that fire inside you again? I've missed the thrill of being interested in something. 

I've never dreamed of big things. Living a quite and fulfilling life is fine for me, as long as I'm content, doing the things I love. But now I no longer know what they are? What am I supposed to do? It's a weird phase right now, at this age it's very confusing you're still discovering life. Unlearning and relearning yourself does that to you but I can't help feeling so helpless and empty. I've always told myself to find happiness in the little things. To see the most mundane of life as little specks of happiness, then you will learn to appreciate galaxies and a whole new universe but even that feels so exhausting right now. I hope tomorrow's sunrise brings me calmness, body and mind. 

 Heart made of a thousand folded paper planes, each a love letter written for you. It's a language we both knew so well. Something sacred we once shared. People often talk about soulmates, of a connection that feels almost cosmic. You've always known me best, I wonder if you still do. I wonder if people know soulmates don't exist. 

It's one of those days again for me today. I do not know what triggered it, probably nothing, probably something I'm still not willing to talk about. But it's a bad day or a bad half-day if we're prioritizing details. I've been doing really well too for the last few weeks or so. I've been sleeping early, waking up at 8am or earlier for whole weeks straight without the help of my alarms. I watched my eating habits, not drinking coffee as much anymore and never eating past 6pm these days. I've been feeling really really good so this crash feels a lot more painful than usual. It's like all the progress I've made, gone just like that. It sucks. But that's just what it is. You crash and get back up and start over. Haven't felt like this in so long so it's taking some time for me to process this. Looking back, there was a time in my life when feeling like this was normal for me I don't how I lived like that bless my past self for actually not offing myself. Like I'm having one shitty day right now and I'm writing this at 2am, barely seeing what I'm typing because I've been crying. Maybe I'd wake up tomorrow and it'll be better, maybe it won't who the fuck knows, definitely not me, I don't know why I'm here writing all this I probably won't even post it. I feel a lot better than 10mins ago before I was writing so that's a good thing right. 

Paint me yellow, bright and glimmering in the sun. Yellow like daffodils in spring. Paint me yellow, with streaks of sunlight on my skin. There is a kind of stillness in the air you breathe, in the songs you sing to me sometimes. The world seems so unreachable from where we are. Just two souls orbiting each other’s axis. The sun rises and sets again, yellow. I let you paint my nails, yellow. The pages of poetry we read to each other, yellow. If love is a colour, ours would be yellow. It glows like the morning sun. Soft like a lady dancing so gracefully in her pretty sundress. Soft, just like your hand in mine on days where the moon shines the brightest. Flowers in my hair, you twirl me around and around and the world disappears. With sunset in the horizon and your hand in mine, I thought to myself, 'this is it, this love will stay with me forever'.

There are days when sadness arrives, unannounced and quiet. It knocks on my door, with scraped hands and torn out nails. I find myself opening my door every single time. Made them tea and maybe invite them for a little cuddle, warm blankets,  and pillows. On those days, I disappear. My only company is my guest. Sadness doesn't ask questions, they wrapped me up in their arms and lulled me to sleep. Days after days sadness doesn't leave. I can't remember the last time I picked up pen and paper and just write. Write about sadness, about love, about hope and longing. Maybe sadness is here to remind me that it's okay to cry sometimes in the quiet of your bed, it's okay to want, maybe sadness is telling me to not forget. I have long left the pieces of me in the things scattered around my room. Pieces of me in the book I never finished, or that postcard I never got the chance to send, the reflection in the mirror that I no longer recognise. Sadness comes unannounced, but never unwelcome.

–a little something from #syfqhndiahwrites on twitter with some minor correction. it's a piece i always revisit whenever i feel sad and under the weather. posting this here in conjunction with World Mental Health day, a reminder that the first step towards a better mental health is to acknowledge your feelings.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I didn't, I still don't. Still, fate has a funny way of reuniting people. Fate and feelings buried under years and years of heartbreak. It was always easy to love you, you and your quiet smile and kind eyes. I build myself a castle of grievances and put up walls in the crevices of my heart and yet again you come knocking it into pieces. I've never known heartbreak quite like this, it feels like forever yet everything is still raw. It's so easy to love you, I just love you. I wish I don't anymore.

Hi, we are back to our usual schedule, yepp another post of me making a list. I guess, this will be an updated version, not very original of me but I needed to get this out of my system and I find making lists still works for me and I'm gonna do just that. Been feeling anxious lately, the worst part is me not doing anything about it and wallowing in self pity and loathing mmh fun :)

A little list of things I'm grateful for in the first half of 2019 –

• I may not have the most perfect family but I'm grateful to have very understanding parents, who let me take on life at my own pace and make my own decisions, who trusts me and believe in me.
• I'm very thankful for the friends I have, both near and far. I haven't been the greatest friend lately but I'm still so grateful for these people around me. 
• Being privileged enough to enjoy my hobbies and actually do stuff I'm interested in. 
• Cannot express how thankful I am to be born in this lifetime, with all these people and to experience all these little adventures even though most of the time I wanna give up just disappear. But there are moments when it feels like this is all worth it, this will all be worth it.
• I'm grateful for the health and well being of myself and the people I love
• Thankful that I am equipped and in tuned enough with my body, I've been trying to keep track of my mental health and physical health more closely. Learning new things and unlearn some unhealthy habits. 
• Some days it's hard just waking up and thinking there's a life ahead of me waiting to be lived but that's just how things work for me. Some days it's easier than others and that's okay. 
• Eventho I don't write as much anymore on this blog, writing is still one of my best outlet to express myself. I still write in the privacy of my notes, scribbles on my phone and long forgotten drafts on my twitter. I find that I'm more honest when I write for myself and not the world to see. 
• I'm grateful for my cat, honest to God bless cats and pets in general.

Staying in, books are your best friend, loving your quiet space, animals over people, cancelling plans to stay in bed, small circle of friends etc etc etc

hi, since I can't fall asleep right now I figured why not. These are not by any means lullabies, just a compilation of songs I sometimes love to listen to before sleep or to relax. It's just chill and soft ballads most of the time. I'll post youtube links and spotify links too if I can find them. Some of these are only on soundcloud, so I apologise in advance if that's not your preferred platform.