"Life was never worse but never better"
Lately, I'm enjoying my own company so much it scares me. It scares me that I'm content with being alone and doing things alone. I've always been a little bit on the introverted side but it's gotten a lot worse. I can't go shopping with people anymore, I can't watch movies on the laptop with people anymore, I can't do the things I'm used to do alone with people without it being awkward. I think I can still tolerate most things but the shopping or just going out part is the most obvious. It's weird as fuck to go out with people and do some shopping together, unless we're really close. I mean really really close that I can go out with you and not run out of things to talk about. There's like only few of those people, I can count them with one hand, which most of them are not here in the UK. This year alone, I can count how many times I haven't gone out by myself.
I love going out on my own because I don't have to rush anything I can walk as slow as I want or got lost in the crowd for fun. Not many people can understand the way my mind works, not many people can follow me into every shop looking at ridiculous things which I won't buy, without questioning it. I like spending my time like that, with no worries, not many people can understand that. And I hate when people question my fashion sense when I'm shopping for clothes hahahaha I know my taste is weird shut up. Usually when I'm out shopping with people, I'll just follow them around and silently wishing they'd finish faster so I can go home. I don't have the motivation to actually go around and go to the places I wanna go because I know my type of shopping differs from most people. Like who'd follow me spend half an hour looking at cute postcards and birthday cards at Paper Chase?! Maybe Anas, because he started the postcard hunting shit I've been doing for the past year or so smh. When I go out, I eat a lot. Like seriously I went to Starbucks then singgah Auntie Anne's before balik I'll go lepak Krispy Kreme, sometimes if I'm hungry I'll go to Crepe Affair. My friends here are definitely NOT a food junkie, at least not as much as I am. I enjoy having lazy "coffee shop hopping" around town or having ice cream whenever I feel like, even in winter (especially in winter!).
It's not like they're bad friends, no. Definitely not. They're great to be honest but we don't share the same interest and I find it hard to let people into my life. I love them regardless, we've been through a lot together for the past two years abroad and I'm always thankful. It's just there are certain things I don't feel comfortable to share or to express around them; I'm a very closed and secretive person, always have been. Sometimes I feel sorry because I know it seems like I'm distancing myself from everyone here but I can't help it comfort can't be enforced and I appreciate it if people respect my space, literally and figuratively. There's a thin line between being yourself or a perfected version of yourself and I think I've mastered the art of knowing whom I can let go and be myself. That doesn't make anyone any less of a friend, just a different bond of friendship.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to terms that what I'm doing now is unhealthy. It's unhealthy to be so immersed in yourself, no matter how much important it is to enjoy your own company, too much is pretty concerning. I don't know how to spend more time with people because it's nice being alone though sometimes loneliness bites you in the back. I'm worried that I enjoy my time alone rather than with people. I'm seriously worried. Spending the summer alone here in the UK is definitely not helping smh fix this Nadiah!
I love going out on my own because I don't have to rush anything I can walk as slow as I want or got lost in the crowd for fun. Not many people can understand the way my mind works, not many people can follow me into every shop looking at ridiculous things which I won't buy, without questioning it. I like spending my time like that, with no worries, not many people can understand that. And I hate when people question my fashion sense when I'm shopping for clothes hahahaha I know my taste is weird shut up. Usually when I'm out shopping with people, I'll just follow them around and silently wishing they'd finish faster so I can go home. I don't have the motivation to actually go around and go to the places I wanna go because I know my type of shopping differs from most people. Like who'd follow me spend half an hour looking at cute postcards and birthday cards at Paper Chase?! Maybe Anas, because he started the postcard hunting shit I've been doing for the past year or so smh. When I go out, I eat a lot. Like seriously I went to Starbucks then singgah Auntie Anne's before balik I'll go lepak Krispy Kreme, sometimes if I'm hungry I'll go to Crepe Affair. My friends here are definitely NOT a food junkie, at least not as much as I am. I enjoy having lazy "coffee shop hopping" around town or having ice cream whenever I feel like, even in winter (especially in winter!).
It's not like they're bad friends, no. Definitely not. They're great to be honest but we don't share the same interest and I find it hard to let people into my life. I love them regardless, we've been through a lot together for the past two years abroad and I'm always thankful. It's just there are certain things I don't feel comfortable to share or to express around them; I'm a very closed and secretive person, always have been. Sometimes I feel sorry because I know it seems like I'm distancing myself from everyone here but I can't help it comfort can't be enforced and I appreciate it if people respect my space, literally and figuratively. There's a thin line between being yourself or a perfected version of yourself and I think I've mastered the art of knowing whom I can let go and be myself. That doesn't make anyone any less of a friend, just a different bond of friendship.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to terms that what I'm doing now is unhealthy. It's unhealthy to be so immersed in yourself, no matter how much important it is to enjoy your own company, too much is pretty concerning. I don't know how to spend more time with people because it's nice being alone though sometimes loneliness bites you in the back. I'm worried that I enjoy my time alone rather than with people. I'm seriously worried. Spending the summer alone here in the UK is definitely not helping smh fix this Nadiah!
You're like a high school crush. The one who I can only admire and gawked from afar, never near. Where I know every nook and cranny of your dramatic "first world problem" any 17 year old could possibly have and yet chances are you didn't even know my name. My existence would be deemed oblivious to your everyday laugh with your small group of friends, lounging around the cafe during recess. But this time around, the difference is we're both no longer in school and you're a thousand miles away from me living your dreams and here I am watching you achieve them. I could never be happier. You're like a high school crush, but we're not in high school.
How can anybody not love the spiral of colours painting the sky as the sun descent the stretching horizon. The best things in life are free, some says and in my book, this is it. This is what people meant when they say the best things in life are free. I wouldn't say free, but rather priceless. You can't buy it with money anyway for it to be free.
Just look at those mixture of various shades of pink and purple. How amazing to think that each day, it differs. No same pattern or shade appears twice, there's always new streaks of red, sometimes more orange then usual sometimes just a pale yellow shimmering the skyline. It's a masterpiece of its own. No matter how many times I've witnessed the sun slowly sets, it never fails to take my breath away. I will never get tired of how the colours blend to create ripples of shattered rainbows bathed in gold, right before my eyes, before the faint blackness of dusk swallows them whole.
The thing about sunsets, it didn't last and it never will. You're lucky to witness such beauty in mere seconds. However short, I'm always burning with anticipation to see such majestic view. Again and again. It doesn't last, but it leaves me breathless, spreading warmth inside of me; keeping me away from the cold wind of chilly summer nights. At least that's what I felt. I've said this and I'm gonna say it again; sunsets are the best.
Shoutout to the people who have been there for me,
Regardless of distance or time zones,
Regardless of 5 hour phone calls or a single snapchat message,
I am forever grateful to be blessed with such people,
You guys are the family I got to choose,
A bond stronger than any marriage or relationships,
Thank you for the days when you made everything better,
When my days are stormy and chaotic,
You pull my hands and dance in the rain with me,
When it's bright and sunny,
You never forget to tuck a handful of rays in your pocket,
So that when my storms return you'd shower me with sunshine,
We'd have messy hair during windy days and still laugh at each other's ugly look,
But I know behind those insults you actually think I'm still pretty /winks/
I'd give you the stars if I could,
But you're already shining so bright,
Blinding any star known to men
You are your star, you are my star.
Have you ever experience an out of body situation, where everything felt so surreal and you kept telling yourself that this must be a dream, it must be, it can't be real. Reality seemed like a faraway galaxy, stretched in the open and you don't know what's real and what's not anymore. That's exactly how I felt when I get to meet these 7 amazing and beautiful people last week. I'm still recovering from the shock and adrenaline of the concert.
I don't think I could ever form coherent words how to describe what I felt, let alone write about it. What I know is, everything I've felt seeing them through my teeny-weeny phone screen are nothing compared to seeing them perform live. Everything is enhanced tenfolds, maybe more, I don't even know. I've been to concerts before so this is not something new to me but to attend and be in the presence of artists/performers that I have a slight obsession with is so overwhelming.
You might have seen me rant on twitter how ethereal I thought these guys are but seeing them with my own eyes, 'ethereal' won't do much justice. They look so good and so full of life and energy I literally drown in them. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THEIR STAGE PRESENCE LIKE OMG????? *cries in French*
Taehyung. It's obvious how much I adore Tae and his quirky bouncy personality. When I saw him on stage I was literally blown away. He's glowing, radiating his own aura I felt shivers down my spine as his voice echoes the arena. Ahhhh his voice makes me weak. I hate the fact that he have this much effect on me omg help me I'm Taehyung-ed.
Jungkook. Bias wrecker #1 smh I have nothing to say about Jungkook other than FREAKING RUDE. I'm trying to stay loyal to Tae here dude stay on your lane! Now I understand why he's the ultimate bias wrecker. When they're on stage, you can't seem to take your eyes off of this lil bunny. He's dripping with everything, sass, melodic voice, killer moves, and a body to die for *cough* thighs *cough*
Jimin. Bias wrecker #2 smh my head hurts. I've seen enough fancams to know how Jimin interacts with his audience when he performs but somehow I'm still taken aback at how flirty and teasing he is, I hate him JIMIN stay away from me hahahaha. Yes, he hit those high notes effortlessly, I have goosebumps.
Hobi. A standing ovation to this dude here, he slayed! Whoever doubted your talent should have their ears checked I swear to god. And the fact that he sounds ten times better in live performances speaks volume. He's flowing with energy, I sometimes wonder if he's high on something. I love you Jung Hoseok!
Jin. Holy freaking shit. That blond hair tho *cries* this dude smh he improved so much I'm so proud of him. Young Forever era is definitely Seokjin's, hands down. People have been sweeping him under the rug for so long he deserves the spotlight and recognition after all the hard work. And not to mention at the concert, despite being injured he still performed and did his best, throwing smiles all around for fans. I'm gonna start a movement #AppreciateJin2k16 and yall better support me!!
Namjoon. Okay this is when shits get real. Namjoon looked so good my heart hurts I can't handle him with his blond-ish silver hair fuck I don't even know how to describe the actual colour. AND THE BOY SPITS FIRE GODDAMN. I have no words for you Namjoon, good bye.
Yoongi. The fierce fluffball aww hahaha there's a thing about Yoongi that makes people lose their minds. I don't know if it's the aggressiveness in his rap, his stage presence or simply because he is Min Yoongi but you can't deny he owns the stage, grumpy-grandpa or not. He's like a walking contradiction, you can't really expect anything from him because he'd surprise you regardless.
Writing this post alone this drains me. I haven't even edited the videos from my camcoder I dont know if I can survive watching those again, reliving the concert again.
dear diary,
I think today, I've met the love of my life
