Lately, I'm enjoying my own company so much it scares me. It scares me that I'm content with being alone and doing things alone. I've always been a little bit on the introverted side but it's gotten a lot worse. I can't go shopping with people anymore, I can't watch movies on the laptop with people anymore, I can't do the things I'm used to do alone with people without it being awkward. I think I can still tolerate most things but the shopping or just going out part is the most obvious. It's weird as fuck to go out with people and do some shopping together, unless we're really close. I mean really really close that I can go out with you and not run out of things to talk about. There's like only few of those people, I can count them with one hand, which most of them are not here in the UK. This year alone, I can count how many times I haven't gone out by myself.

I love going out on my own because I don't have to rush anything I can walk as slow as I want or got lost in the crowd for fun. Not many people can understand the way my mind works, not many people can follow me into every shop looking at ridiculous things which I won't buy, without questioning it. I like spending my time like that, with no worries, not many people can understand that. And I hate when people question my fashion sense when I'm shopping for clothes hahahaha I know my taste is weird shut up. Usually when I'm out shopping with people, I'll just follow them around and silently wishing they'd finish faster so I can go home. I don't have the motivation to actually go around and go to the places I wanna go because I know my type of shopping differs from most people. Like who'd follow me spend half an hour looking at cute postcards and birthday cards at Paper Chase?! Maybe Anas, because he started the postcard hunting shit I've been doing for the past year or so smh. When I go out, I eat a lot. Like seriously I went to Starbucks then singgah Auntie Anne's before balik I'll go lepak Krispy Kreme, sometimes if I'm hungry I'll go to Crepe Affair. My friends here are definitely NOT a food junkie, at least not as much as I am. I enjoy having lazy "coffee shop hopping" around town or having ice cream whenever I feel like, even in winter (especially in winter!).

It's not like they're bad friends, no. Definitely not. They're great to be honest but we don't share the same interest and I find it hard to let people into my life. I love them regardless, we've been through a lot together for the past two years abroad and I'm always thankful. It's just there are certain things I don't feel comfortable to share or to express around them; I'm a very closed and secretive person, always have been. Sometimes I feel sorry because I know it seems like I'm distancing myself from everyone here but I can't help it comfort can't be enforced and I appreciate it if people respect my space, literally and figuratively. There's a thin line between being yourself or a perfected version of yourself and I think I've mastered the art of knowing whom I can let go and be myself. That doesn't make anyone any less of a friend, just a different bond of friendship.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to terms that what I'm doing now is unhealthy. It's unhealthy to be so immersed in yourself, no matter how much important it is to enjoy your own company, too much is pretty concerning. I don't know how to spend more time with people because it's nice being alone though sometimes loneliness bites you in the back. I'm worried that I enjoy my time alone rather than with people. I'm seriously worried. Spending the summer alone here in the UK is definitely not helping smh fix this Nadiah!