Sophrosyne

Exactly what the title said. It's been months and I'm back in Malaysia and missing Cardiff everyday.

I hope everyone's doing great. The year is nearing its end but there's still time for your own little plot twist. As for me, I just hope things stay as they are, I actually can't wait for 2018 to be over. It's been a wonderful year but I feel like I'm stuck and I can't move on. I hope with 2018 gone, all my attachment will go with it. I want to bring only memories I can carry into 2019, memories that doesn't weigh me down and burden me anymore.

At the start of the year I remember wanting to be a better person in 2018.
Looking back, I can't really say I'm a better person, but I did acknowledged certain things about myself and I'm still trying to fix it, to be better. I guess that counts for something right.

I can't wait for 2019.

Lying on the grass, waiting for sunset beside a little fountain in the park, I really love my life in these little moments

I wrote this letter hoping it will never reach you. I'm pouring my heart into an ocean of endless possibilities, singing melodies you didn't know. I hope someday I could love another like I loved you. You came crashing, like waves of saltwater and sea bubbles erasing foot steps others left on my battered heart. I found myself slowly letting go of what ifs and what could've been. I found myself loving you, I found myself loving me. Maybe this isn't love, but I'm grateful still. I learned new ways of loving when I met you, ones where you made me love myself first. Seeing you weave your way through life made me want to be happy and I think that's enough. You inspired me for greater things, simply by holding my hand along the way and telling me you believe. I could never thank you enough for existing. I hope someday I could inspire another like you did to me, such a great honour to watch someone grow into their capacity, finding galaxies in themselves. I wish you well. Wherever you are, I wish you the greatest ending.

Sometimes I feel like a walking contradiction. I could say I'm a very perceptive person, especially to people and their behaviourism. At least I think so. But somehow I'm very oblivious to people's attitudes or feelings towards me. I'm not sure if I'm actually oblivious or I've just learned to tune it all out of my head. Like there's a deeper part of me that knows but an even greater part of me choose to ignore it and just brush it off. People often told me I don't hold grudges and I have very little hate in me. I forgive easily and I don't take things to heart most of the time. I guess it's true but in some twisted way that trait turned me into someone ignorant, I'm not sure if ignorant is the right word but that's all I can come up with at the moment. Insensitive might be more accurate. Yeah, insensitive. I'm already bad with confrontation, what a great combination. Does that make me a bad person? I've been working on trying to be more considerate towards other people's feelings but sometimes certain thing just go by unnoticed. If you think I'm being inconsiderate towards your feelings, please tell me. Whatever you're feeling, it's valid. You're valid.

Soft cotton dancing in the wind, a colour so white contrasting the night. Hair tied back, eyes sharp and maybe the cotton white dress isn't supposed to look soft after all. She is part maiden part siren, a folklore told in between flickering candle lights and hushed whispers. A fairytale told through generations, of viscous creatures luring out men and killing them at sea, a tale to scare the little ones, a warning to the sailors who've ventured far away from land. She roams the ocean and rules the coves, singing sweet lullabies across seven seas. Her beauty is said to rival that of a goddess, skin glittering with scales of blue and green. She is graceful in the most dangerous way. It is believed that if she tells you her name, the sea will swallow you whole and you are forever bound. A mortal life in exchange for eternity, living alongside the undead. Of course, nobody has ever lived to tell, but those lost at sea, if lucky, will be offered her name.

Black jeans, poetry books, 5 a.m. sunrise, screaming in the rain, colourful neck ties, vintage photos, desserts, pancake for dinner, iced coffee all year long, slow Jazz and RnB, ferris wheels at sunset, hugs, that white dress of mine you loved, coke, long car rides with the windows down, red velvet cake, forehead kisses, sleeping without our shirts on, chocolate ice cream, rainbows in the rain, video games, movie dates, good morning kisses, striped shirt, painting, the moon, long walks, walking on the grass barefooted, goldfish shaped clouds, summer, red lips, long distance, sugar, babydoll, cities, ghost town, clear cloudless night sky, maple leaves, footprints along the beach, love

I often wonder, did I ever love you? Was it love or was it purely infatuation? I didn't know if I loved you or the image of you I made up in my mind. As the years go by the blind starts to fade, the perfect person I created inside my head slowly turning against me. I forgot the person didn't exist, I forgot that people are flawed in nature. 16 year old me was eager to fall in love she forgot that love alone wasn't enough, I hope someone would've told her that. Love alone wasn't enough, no communication, no tolerance no patience, love alone wasn't enough. I'm sorry I was such a horrible person. I'm still trying to learn. Loving myself and people in return.

It's the first day of spring. Sprouts of little yellow flowers covering vast green meadows. New beginning of a beautiful life. Short-lived yet so worthwhile. Have you ever thought of how flowers have a really short lifespan? They bloom and flourish only to be plucked to their death. Even in their last moments, they give so much joy to people. Beautiful and delicate, pretty little flowers. They come and go, living and dying. I wish I could live like flowers too, bringing joy to people even in my last breath. Some people want to be remembered after their death, a tale passed down generation after generation. Maybe, to be told in history books and biographies. And me? Maybe I just want to make the people around me happy.

Make no apologies for the way your voice cracked whenever it gets a little too much. You are human, as real as the touch of your skin on mine. Do not feel ashamed of the things that make you human. We're all scared in different ways, hiding behind perfect lined teeth and nonchalant laughs. It's perfectly okay to want to vomit your guts out seconds before you go up on that stage, rehearsing your words before speaking up in class or that little pep talk in your head standing in line for coffee. It's okay, you're okay. You are your own strength. People will always have something to say about how you live your life but it's important that you yourself know where you stand. Learning to love oneself is a never ending journey. You will come to realise at one point, when you think you've accepted your flaws and insecurities, it comes back in merciless waves, catching you off guard and you're back to where you started. It happens and it's okay. It's okay. Loving the little pieces that we have grown to despise all our lives does not happen in a day, it's okay. Make no apologies for loving the pieces of you that needed loving.

In that split second, nothing mattered anymore. You painted my sky blue and sculptured my heart with gold. You give me hope that tomorrow the sun will still rise, brighter better days ahead. In that moment I know God sent me an angel. In that moment I know where my tomorrow lies. We're both lying on soft blanket of grass, your hand brushing mine. The night sky mirroring our non existing conversation, quiet. Perhaps, God sent me an angel, but I know no angel is as beautiful and flawed as you. The eerie black blanketing me whenever night falls no longer scares me. You remind me of sunrises and a new beginning, a new breath of air after staying under the water for too long. In that moment I know what I want.

hello,

So this is my first post in my 30 days 30 minutes blogpost challenge! Basically what I'm gonna do is write something everyday in 30 minutes for 30 days (or however long I manage to keep up). I'm really nervous about this. I don't usually commit to this kind of stuff but I really wanna try this time around, need to get my life together somehow.

I'm gonna talk a little about what's been going on in my life in this post. I'm in my final year of university already and it has been hectic. I don't know if it's the final year pressure or what but I've been really stressed about graduating and exams etc. It's starting to feel scary as I realise shits about to get real. Work, adulting, all the no fun things you know. It's nearing and I'm a little scared.

It's fine to be scared I guess. At some point in life, transitions happens. Migrating from one way of life to another, adjusting to new environment and adapting to new survival skills, it happens. Those are the things I keep trying to remind myself whenever I feel like it's too much and too stressful. Life has been fast paced for me. I'm really thinking about taking a little break after graduation. Stay at home, be with my family. God knows how long it's been since I've really spend time with my family, what with being away from home since I was 13. So I guess I kind of need that little break. I really don't have a solid plan yet after graduation, and that's one of the many I have in mind. Maybe I'll stay at home and try to actually write my book that I've been wanting to write, I don't know. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Also, I'm a little (a lot) sad about leaving Cardiff. For the past 4 years, this little town has been a home to me. It's always gonna be a part of me now. Never in my wildest dream would I expect to see Cardiff covered in snow, it's been 10 years since the last time it really snowed here. But it did it snowed! All the classes were cancelled and we had a four day weekend. The snow was really thick, nothing compared to the ones in the US or Canada, but by UK standard it's pretty heavy.  I had so much fun in the snow, and I'm glad we got to experience this before going home for good.

Yikes, my 30 minute is almost up! That's all for today I guess. Next posts will be random excerpts of writing or if you guys have any request, feel free to drop by my curiouscat/twitter I'd be happy to try and write for you or talk about anything you want me to talk about. I've always been writing for myself on this blog, and for once I want to try and write for people. Thank you if you've read my posts, you have no idea how much it means to me,

Sand castles and foot print trails, all your life you've witnessed the sun rises by the horizon where ocean meets sky. It's a cloudless sky on most days, stars coating empty black canvas. Beautiful, always so easy to forget how something so exquisite from afar might not be as magnificent up close. You grew up wishing on stars, forgetting they've long died, a wishful wish perhaps. Listen, the sound of waves hitting cold damp sand. A lullaby, in careful calculated intervals. Nature is such a beautiful thing. Some nights, it's the sound of barefooted feet padding in between waves, the wind a perfect harmony to your sighing. Restless. Nature can do so much, until it can't anymore. Wishes on dead stars don't come true, you wished someone could've told you that sooner.

And it wasn't love that brought us back together, it was heartbreak. It was going through sleepless nights thinking what went wrong, it was reading old conversations and scrolling old photos. It was heartbreak that brought us back, sitting across each other in that dimly lit diner. You looked as good as ever, a smile never leaving your face. You looked happier now, I'm glad. We talked about everything and anything, it felt like those years of not seeing each other never existed. Comfortable. We laid our heartbreaks on the table, knives and forks poking our battered heart. We didn't come here to put it back together and we both knew that. I showed you my scars, ones you left behind and in return you showed me bloodied hands and bruised skin, my fingerprints all over your bones. We laid our battles before us. One by one. We should've done this ages ago but I'm glad we did now. I'm glad to see you again. That night, we part ways with pieces of our hearts in each other's palm, safe and home. That night, I said good bye and actually mean it.

Quiet little morning with sun rays just peeking by the horizon, I hope you wake up on the right side of bed today. A new start of a beautiful day. Exchanged hellos and smiles along the street, soft buzzing of the city coming to life. I hope you feel better today. I hope you like how your coffee is made today. Sky as clear as ever, a nice weather for a perfect day. A perfect time to make that phone call to the one person you haven't heard in a while. Take some nice photos of yourself. Post them online don't post them online, you choose. It's a great day, I hope you had a great day.

hello 2018,

I wish everyone a happy new year, a new beginning for some and a turning point for others. I wish for a kinder world and a happier Nadiah. Every change starts with oneself and I think I'm gonna hold on to that.

I don't really believe the new year new me bullshit, it never worked for me. Maybe I just don't have enough motivation to commit, me and my commitment issue. For people with new year resolutions and new goals, kudos to you! I wish 2018 is the year you achieve your goals and tick off those resolution one by one. For me, I just wanna be happy. It's the same as the years before but I don't think I did anything phenomenal that would take me closer to it. Don't get me wrong, 2017 has been one of my greatest year, it holds some of my happiest memories in life. A lot has happened in a year. I've overcome some of my biggest insecurities, did things I would've never thought I'd be able to. I've learned so many new things in 2017, seeing the world from a different perspective. I've met so many lovely souls, loving me and being with me throughout the year and I appreciate these people so much. But there's still something that's keeping me held back, from doing more, being happier. And I realised that's something I've never really tried to change because it comes and goes. I want this year to be different, I gotta start somewhere so I'm doing one right now, talking about my problems. This post is more for me to read instead of the general public so I'm not sure if I'm gonna post this.

I've been feeling shitty for the last few weeks of 2017, everything just feels too much. One thing led to another and suddenly it's an endless cycle, what initially started off small got blown into this one big mess inside my head. This chain reaction that I couldn't stop, day after day. I just feel sad most of the time. I went to sleep when the sun was already peeking by the horizon and wake up when it sets. I didn't do anything but it's so tiring, just living. Eating feels like a chore, everything just takes so much energy. I'm aware of my condition, this is not the first time it happened and I've gone through worst, but I feel like I need to talk about it this time. I've never talked about it, to anyone not even to my silent canvas I don't think I've ever addressed this issue even to myself. Just silent acknowledgment. For someone very private, having my feelings laid bare like this is a huge step. Writing this feels wrong, like I'm intruding my own consciousness which I know doesn't make sense at all. It was hard. I've got a lot of repressed emotion inside of me. I've lost a few people in 2017, people I've grown up with, someone very close to me and people I look up to. One I was prepared for and one that hit me like a truck and let me tell you, being prepared doesn't mean it hurts any less, in fact those pent up sadness builds over time making this all worse. Sometimes silence
could be so loud, it's deafening.

I figured I need to channel these feelings somewhere and I usually write but lately I just couldn't and I guess I've seen this coming, me spiralling back into this whirlpool of not just pent up sadness but everything all at once, anger, hopelessness, disappointment. It was a dark time but I've manage to break this cycle all thanks to the people around me. Talking really helps, and I don't mean talking about my problems just talking in general. Being there means a lot, especially when all I wanna do is not talk or engage in anything. And one thing I realised, everything points back to ourselves. Forcing a conversation with me won't help because I will only shut people down. I'm glad I pull myself together and actually get out of my room, distract myself with people around me. I realised nobody could help me other than myself. I'm glad I always have people around me, someone I could talk to about the weather, funny videos or a meme, random things. It doesn't go away all at once, but baby steps. People cope in different ways and my way doesn't necessarily work on you but remember you're not alone. If you're waiting for a sign, this is it. I am your sign, I am here, I care. You can talk to me if you need to, I'll listen.


I cracked myself open just a little, baby steps, baby steps. Things aren't gonna be easy in the blink of an eye, it's not that simple, never was. Here's to loving ourselves, here's to a better 2018.