She isn't lovely like daffodils blooming on a cold December, none of that miracle and magic just waiting to happen around the corner. She's not easy but she is simple, but still so lovely. I find her lovely in the way she holds my hand, walking downtown. She didn't have fireworks in her skin but touch as soft as bubbles at sea. She is everything I am not and everything I wanted. There is nothing poetic about the way she loves me but I love every bit of it. She is lovely in the way that's not demanding, always a constant reminder but never harsh. She is lovely in the way she calls herself mine.
It's Thursday, which means I'm free. I woke up late, laze around in bed enjoying the little heaven of warmth under the duvet. I haven't been going out alone lately, always so busy with friends and school and trying to keep up with everyone and everything. Final year makes me restless, makes me anxious about leaving, makes me afraid of the things I might not have time to do. I forgot how much I enjoy my own company. I've only just learned to take one breath at a time, to slow down a little during the summer. But as soon as I came back and school started, I've been thrown into this whirling cycle of endless chasing and I'm out of breath. The thing is, I'm not sure what I'm chasing. It feels like I can't quite grasp the idea of leaving this comfort zone. So I decided to spend this Thursday on my own, walking into town and getting lost a little. Life's been too fast paced and I need an escape.
It's winter now, the nights are longer, sunsets colouring the sky as early as 4pm. I've always loved winter. Winter in Cardiff consist of rainy days and flying umbrella, because apparently it's no match for Cardiff's raging wind. Today, the city was full of people despite on weekdays, people mulling around with families and friends alike. Not too crowded but not too empty, comfortable.
Walking around, getting lost in these familiar streets and all too familiar shops is therapeutic. Feels nice when you can spend however long you want in the fitting room, or go postcard hunting, my favourite. All you need is a cup of coffee and you're set to go on your little adventure!
It's nice. It feels good to be in my own company, unbothered. I went to Starbucks, had iced coffee and sat there watching people. I went to try on clothes, looked at toys and trinkets, I had ice cream (yes it's winter, your point?). I spent hours doing nothing but I feel like it's my most productive day. I was greeted by a little surprise on my way home. It's already dark, and there's this little group of people dressing up in costumes and makeups in the middle of town. A little parade, sort of, to celebrate the spirits of Christmas I supposed and also the opening of Cardiff's Winter Wonderland. I had lots of fun following them around with the little kids, whose eyes big and round, amazed by the little tricks and shows in front of them.
The walk back home was short but so calming. I had earphones plugged in with a soft song playing on repeat. Took my usual road home and walked by the train station uphill. It was dark and there was no street lights. It's basically a back alley leading to the main road of my street. The wind was blowing softly, as soft as it can be on early November nights. There's people walking around me but I kept my distance close to the walls, walking at my pace and unhurried. Call it cliché but somehow I looked up and was overwhelmed by the view upon me. The sky was glittering with stars! It's amazing honestly. The sky was so clear and I felt like my eyes were tricking me. It's so beautiful. I haven't been paying attention to the little things in life and looking up to the night sky is one of them. I remember photographing the full moon a few weeks ago and this is the same feeling all over again. It feels like you're in another place, all worries stripped bare and there's nothing but the soft twinkle scattering up above. I took my time walking, basking in the heavenly view in front of me. The one word I can muster to describe that moment is content.
Those few hours I spent alone was all I needed pull myself together. This has probably been the best decision I've made in a while and it's as simple as spending my free time alone. This post is pretty self indulgent and if you made till the end, kudos to you! Thank you for reading my endless word vomit whenever I'm happy. It's been a while :)
This is a story of what if and what could've been. Two hearts beating as one but never in the same rhythm. Two shadows intertwining and all you can see is one big unreachable void. Two souls dancing and twirling, almost touching but somehow always missing each other.
We grew up to be the person we are today. Meeting and missing, a constant thing in our lives. I didn't grew up with you holding my hand but sometimes, you knocked on my door asking if I'd like to hangout when Christmas break started. We didn't wish each other happy birthday but I've received a letter once and two birthday cards. A few years later I called on your birthday. I'm not sure if you remember. 25 years down the road and we've been a perpetual buzz in each other's life, existing but not always present. Changing but at the same time unvarying.
Do you remember that one summer when we were 16. You took me to the beach and we spent the whole day eating ice cream until our stomach hurts. I didn't remember telling you how I love the ocean but it's you, of course you'd knew. I wonder if you still remember. We went on a ferris wheel ride. You told me you've never been on one and we spent the whole ride making up scenarios for random people we saw from above. That day, I learned to measure my life in laughters.
Growing up, I've received so much love from everyone around me, I hope I've loved enough in return. Family, friends, the people that matters. I hope I'm loving enough I hope I'm giving enough. Amidst the love I've received, yours is something I treasure most. You loving me is the constant reminder that despite anything, we're still in each other's life. You loving me is comforting. Your love doesn't ask reciprocation, your love is endless and drowning.
No matter what path we took, we've always found our way back to each other. I hope we still do because lately I've been missing you a little too much. These days I realise I've been measuring my life in the rising and setting of the sun. I've spent too many sunrises alone since the last time we talked and purple have always been your favourite colour.
We grew up to be the person we are today. Meeting and missing, a constant thing in our lives. I didn't grew up with you holding my hand but sometimes, you knocked on my door asking if I'd like to hangout when Christmas break started. We didn't wish each other happy birthday but I've received a letter once and two birthday cards. A few years later I called on your birthday. I'm not sure if you remember. 25 years down the road and we've been a perpetual buzz in each other's life, existing but not always present. Changing but at the same time unvarying.
Do you remember that one summer when we were 16. You took me to the beach and we spent the whole day eating ice cream until our stomach hurts. I didn't remember telling you how I love the ocean but it's you, of course you'd knew. I wonder if you still remember. We went on a ferris wheel ride. You told me you've never been on one and we spent the whole ride making up scenarios for random people we saw from above. That day, I learned to measure my life in laughters.
Growing up, I've received so much love from everyone around me, I hope I've loved enough in return. Family, friends, the people that matters. I hope I'm loving enough I hope I'm giving enough. Amidst the love I've received, yours is something I treasure most. You loving me is the constant reminder that despite anything, we're still in each other's life. You loving me is comforting. Your love doesn't ask reciprocation, your love is endless and drowning.
No matter what path we took, we've always found our way back to each other. I hope we still do because lately I've been missing you a little too much. These days I realise I've been measuring my life in the rising and setting of the sun. I've spent too many sunrises alone since the last time we talked and purple have always been your favourite colour.
