Sophrosyne

 hi 

Wow I haven't been on this space in so long, I hope everyone's doing well. A little life update (a lot actually haha)

I've moved to a different state. I've gotten a new permanent job. I can drive a fucking car now!! 

Kinda crazy but also kinda exciting to feel like life is moving again for me. It's been a month and I've been adjusting well. A friend said to me once that I'm good at adapting to new places / situations and at the time I'm like eh idk i think im just okay – because I think everyone knows how introverted I am and I'm bad with new people in general so it's harder for me to break out of that "first impression persona" I call it lmao. But things at work is not as bad as I expected it to be, so I'm really glad for that. 

Work was tough but it's kinda fun, I do and encounter new things everyday. I live for routine and I think it's one of my comfort even though it can be stifling sometimes but this new work requires me to be different every single day. It's a challenge and I'm still learning new stuff every day. It's tiring as all work is, and my body is still adjusting to the physical aspect of it. Hopefully in the coming months I'm more comfortable in my role and more confident in handling things. 

These days, I'm living life one day at a time and I find it easier for me to navigate and get through my days. I hope everyone is doing well too, and is coping life with any way that works for you. Till next time!

 Hi, 

It seems I only come on here whenever I'm in a bad headspace. It's a shame when I used to love writing here when I'm happy. I've been feeling empty lately, like I'm not really living. The days pass by and I'm rooted in one place unable to move. I cannot decipher my feelings anymore. I thought I've come to learn and identify my emotions but apparently it's a lot harder than I expected. It happens, bad days happen. But it's so hard to look forward to tomorrow when you know nothing awaits you. Maybe I need to make one of those lists again, the things I'm grateful for, I haven't done that yet in 2021.  

Life feels so bleak to me. I wanna do something I love again, something that makes me feel alive. I talked to some friends and funny enough they all asked me the same question, 

"What do you actually enjoy doing?"

It breaks my heart that I do not have a definite answer for that. What do I actually enjoy doing now? What do I look forward to? The things I used to love all seems to be slipping through my fingers. They no longer bring me joy or comfort, sometimes it feels like a chore. As we cruise through life, it's normal that our interests change. To grow out of certain hobbies, to let go of certain pastime but then what if nothing new comes? Nothing sparks that fire inside you again? I've missed the thrill of being interested in something. 

I've never dreamed of big things. Living a quite and fulfilling life is fine for me, as long as I'm content, doing the things I love. But now I no longer know what they are? What am I supposed to do? It's a weird phase right now, at this age it's very confusing you're still discovering life. Unlearning and relearning yourself does that to you but I can't help feeling so helpless and empty. I've always told myself to find happiness in the little things. To see the most mundane of life as little specks of happiness, then you will learn to appreciate galaxies and a whole new universe but even that feels so exhausting right now. I hope tomorrow's sunrise brings me calmness, body and mind.