Sophrosyne

It was dark. All I could see was an infinite stretch of nothingness in front of me. Deprived of my sight, my hearing heightened and I could pick up footsteps. Slow and heavy. What happened? My head hurts, trying to dig out memories of what lead me here but all I can recall was water, and blood and screams. It didn't make sense. The war was over. We've won. All divine creatures wiped clean, demons and angels alike. The footsteps grew louder. My limbs weak and my head was spinning. I felt shivers run down my spine when I realised I'm not the only one in the room. It's faint but I can hear breathing. Soft, almost like he or she was barely alive. And then I felt it. Cold and wet slimed fingers on the back of my neck. Its grip tight and I almost choke from the lack of oxygen. But then the grip loosen and it's soft, caressing as if telling me it's okay, I'm gonna be okay and then my heart stopped.

5 years old

A little girl on a swing. Her hair in a pony tail, swinging back and forth. She smiled as the summer breeze caressed her cheeks, eyes turning into crescents as she looked at the world upside down. Baby blue sky and scattering rays of gold. Skin flushed red in the summer sun, she learned to listen to mommy when it's time to go home.

12 years old

Pink shoes and pretty dresses. It's Halloween and everyone wanted to be a Princess, so did she. So mommy did her hair and daddy told her how pretty she looked, a girl with the whole universe in her eyes. Halloween passed and she learned to love her parents.

16 years old.

Boys and kisses. The little girl left her baby fat and thick glasses, she now wore skinny jeans and denim jacket. A boy took her to dates and give her flowers. She later realised that flowers die and hearts break. Mommy cried with her to sleep and daddy bought her ice cream. That spring she learned love comes in many ways.

23 years old

The semester was almost over. A whole month until graduation to figure out what's next. Paying bills have never looked so scary until this point. Could she afford to even feed her cats? But mommy said not to worry. Daddy said his little girl have always been strong. That day on graduation, she cried in her parents' arms.

31 years old

Two twin boys running across the yard. A mother of three, with one still hiding from the world. Her husband's out there fixing kiddy pools with his clothes half drenched, looking majestic as always. She told the boys not to play with the hose only to turn around and hear them screaming again. She's reminded of how daddy would bring her to play swings when it's summer, even when mommy said no. That night she called home.

50 years old

It's quiet. Her children just left after dinner. She made roasted duck, her youngest's favourite and they talked and laughed until their stomach hurt. She looked up to see her husband looking back, a fond smile on his face. The family photo on her right a stark contrast against the pale cream wall. Mommy and daddy was smiling back at her, their eyes glimmering. That night she wondered if she's ever been like mommy and daddy. Would her children look into her eyes and see constellations, ones they crafted with their own bare hands.

n.a.

It's snowing. The night is crawling nearing daylight, I am still rendered restless with you taking a stroll down my thoughts. I wonder, where did we went wrong? Was it my fault? Was it yours? When did we stop choosing each other?

It's cold and I miss the warmth of your body pressed against mine.

A hand splayed on my waist, a familiar weight. These walls feel like bricks of ice. With every breath, it drew closer to me and I am counting every inhale and exhale only to suffocate. 

I remember how you take your coffee. Cream and sugar. You've always liked your coffee sweet, maybe that's why you left. Maybe that's why I didn't stop you. My coffee have always tasted bitter. 

It's cold and I miss the warmth of your body pressed against mine. 

The curls of your hair tangled between my fingers, soft. I remember how you would prefer a breakfast date over dinner. How we would trade morning naps with sipping coffee down the street. You've always loved mornings, maybe that's why you left. Maybe that's why I didn't stop you. My life have always started as the night curtain falls. 

I'm sorry that you prefer sunrise when I am sunset. I'm sorry for all the years you thought you've seen stars when I am just a stray meteor caught in your orbit. I'm sorry for what I said and what I whispered. I'm sorry for making you fall in love with a picture perfect illusion but not my skin and bones. I'm sorry I can't be your sunrise. I am a sun setting below the horizon, never the one rising from it.

n.a.