Red coffee cups. Packed highways. Grey skies. Stop sign. Yellow bushes. A flat tire. A kind stranger. Curious eyes. Empty bottles. A bag of cheetos. Dirty hands and blackened fingers.
You're so near but I've never felt so far. Slipping through my fingers right before my eyes. I can't reach you anymore. So tell me, where do we go from here?
It was dark. All I could see was an infinite stretch of nothingness in front of me. Deprived of my sight, my hearing heightened and I could pick up footsteps. Slow and heavy. What happened? My head hurts, trying to dig out memories of what lead me here but all I can recall was water, and blood and screams. It didn't make sense. The war was over. We've won. All divine creatures wiped clean, demons and angels alike. The footsteps grew louder. My limbs weak and my head was spinning. I felt shivers run down my spine when I realised I'm not the only one in the room. It's faint but I can hear breathing. Soft, almost like he or she was barely alive. And then I felt it. Cold and wet slimed fingers on the back of my neck. Its grip tight and I almost choke from the lack of oxygen. But then the grip loosen and it's soft, caressing as if telling me it's okay, I'm gonna be okay and then my heart stopped.
5 years old
A little girl on a swing. Her hair in a pony tail, swinging back and forth. She smiled as the summer breeze caressed her cheeks, eyes turning into crescents as she looked at the world upside down. Baby blue sky and scattering rays of gold. Skin flushed red in the summer sun, she learned to listen to mommy when it's time to go home.
12 years old
Pink shoes and pretty dresses. It's Halloween and everyone wanted to be a Princess, so did she. So mommy did her hair and daddy told her how pretty she looked, a girl with the whole universe in her eyes. Halloween passed and she learned to love her parents.
16 years old.
Boys and kisses. The little girl left her baby fat and thick glasses, she now wore skinny jeans and denim jacket. A boy took her to dates and give her flowers. She later realised that flowers die and hearts break. Mommy cried with her to sleep and daddy bought her ice cream. That spring she learned love comes in many ways.
23 years old
The semester was almost over. A whole month until graduation to figure out what's next. Paying bills have never looked so scary until this point. Could she afford to even feed her cats? But mommy said not to worry. Daddy said his little girl have always been strong. That day on graduation, she cried in her parents' arms.
31 years old
Two twin boys running across the yard. A mother of three, with one still hiding from the world. Her husband's out there fixing kiddy pools with his clothes half drenched, looking majestic as always. She told the boys not to play with the hose only to turn around and hear them screaming again. She's reminded of how daddy would bring her to play swings when it's summer, even when mommy said no. That night she called home.
50 years old
It's quiet. Her children just left after dinner. She made roasted duck, her youngest's favourite and they talked and laughed until their stomach hurt. She looked up to see her husband looking back, a fond smile on his face. The family photo on her right a stark contrast against the pale cream wall. Mommy and daddy was smiling back at her, their eyes glimmering. That night she wondered if she's ever been like mommy and daddy. Would her children look into her eyes and see constellations, ones they crafted with their own bare hands.
n.a.
n.a.
It's snowing. The night is crawling nearing daylight, I am still rendered restless with you taking a stroll down my thoughts. I wonder, where did we went wrong? Was it my fault? Was it yours? When did we stop choosing each other?
It's cold and I miss the warmth of your body pressed against mine.
A hand splayed on my waist, a familiar weight. These walls feel like bricks of ice. With every breath, it drew closer to me and I am counting every inhale and exhale only to suffocate.
I remember how you take your coffee. Cream and sugar. You've always liked your coffee sweet, maybe that's why you left. Maybe that's why I didn't stop you. My coffee have always tasted bitter.
It's cold and I miss the warmth of your body pressed against mine.
The curls of your hair tangled between my fingers, soft. I remember how you would prefer a breakfast date over dinner. How we would trade morning naps with sipping coffee down the street. You've always loved mornings, maybe that's why you left. Maybe that's why I didn't stop you. My life have always started as the night curtain falls.
I'm sorry that you prefer sunrise when I am sunset. I'm sorry for all the years you thought you've seen stars when I am just a stray meteor caught in your orbit. I'm sorry for what I said and what I whispered. I'm sorry for making you fall in love with a picture perfect illusion but not my skin and bones. I'm sorry I can't be your sunrise. I am a sun setting below the horizon, never the one rising from it.
n.a.
I am not your manic pixie dream girl. Not anymore. I do not exist to fulfil your dreams and desires. I do not exist to be your muse, your inspiration. I am not your only hope at grasping what little good is left in this world. Most importantly, I do not exist to keep you breathing and alive. I have my own dreams, a sky full of stars waiting for me to make that leap of faith. I am my own body. I am my own mind. Do not see me as a concept, an illusion of perfection that dances and twirls around you without a care in the world. You are not the centre of my universe and I am certainly not yours.
- I should've learned that sleeping at 5am when I have class as early as 10am in the morning is a bad idea
- I should've learned to never procrastinate my essay until the day before submission date
- I should've learned that going out without a proper jacket when it's 3 degrees celsius outside is as good as walking through the fiery pits of hell, except it's the opposite temperature
- I should've learned that if anyone is worth trusting, it's myself
- I should've learned that sometimes people are your friends because they do not have a choice
- I should've learned that heartbreaks never really heal, maybe they do but mine left a permanent scar, ones I do not know if I could ever proudly show the world
- I should've learned not to expect people around me to accept my flaws and insecurities, the skeleton in my closet, my darkest most dangerous thoughts
- I should've learned to not fall in love with someone or something I know well for a fact, is untouchable, beyond my grasp
- I should've learned that time, waits for nobody, it never does and it never will
- I should've learned that the only person I need to love right now is myself
I've always loved cities. The vibe it carries, just never fail to blow me away. You could literally feel the buzzing life of everyone and everything around and it's somehow so comforting to be lost between bodies you didn't recognise and faces you haven't seen. That's just what it's like with cities, you're never alone even when you are. Chaotic but it made me feel everything but that, almost calm. It's like a cold windy day on a summer afternoon, uninviting but soothing, always welcomed despite the blazing heat. The shiny lights decorating the heart of the city at night seemed almost magical. If anything could rival the twinkling of stars from a faraway green meadow, it's this. Not as spectacular but beautiful nonetheless. Sometimes I feel sorry how the magnificent night sky would dull in comparison to the light pollution below but I'm comforted knowing that mankind could never handle such beauty. Maybe that's why I love cities at night best. They remind me of how beautiful things could shine and sparkle, just like the stars.
People would often question why I like cities so much. To them, it's just another jungle of concrete, tall buildings and heavy traffic. But I see more than that, to me it's more than just buildings and cold expressionless citizens. It's the rush of adrenaline and the stupid risk you silently pledge to, when you commit yourself into living in big cities. It's not easy. It's never easy. Everything is expensive as shit, everyone's always on the rush, it's chaotic, some might say it's a living hell. But it's full of life. Full of people chasing their dreams, and making it work. I've been to a few big cities myself, and it's always different. The feeling is different. The people are different. The vibe each city carries are nothing compared to each other. Like I said, it's full of life. Stories of people trying to survive the concrete jungle, scraping of what's left of their sanity.
Maybe I can relate to that. Trying to find myself and explore my limits, I tend to want to be surrounded by all sorts of life. Not necessarily making friends because the one thing I suck at most is making friends. So big cities appeal to me, as I can indulge in these various walks of life. Amazing isn't it? To think that in one way or another, you've crossed path with these people and changed their lives whether either of you realise it or not. You could smile at your phone on the train and made a stranger's day a tad bit happier seeing your obnoxious smile albeit not directed to them. You can see someone reading a book at the coffee shop and the next thing you know you're in an old bookstore trying to find the exact book. Amazing. Life is amazing.
If love is a colour, it'd be red. Bright, with all its might. Intense. But falling in love with you feels more like baby blue. Soft and comforting, never once aggressive. Your touch feels like lilac, if ever colours could be touched. Hesitant and careful yet laced with certainty. Grey is for the days I've spend missing your smile. Dull. Like the sun stop shining for a while. Your kiss, can only be described in shades of gold. A colour that resembles worth. A colour that won't fade with time. Your kisses stay forever gold. And you? Of all the colours in the world, of all the shades artists could name, not one would suffice to embody you. For you are all the colours at once, bursting at its full intensity. You are your own light. And me? I am your deep dark secret. Always in the shadow. Always there for you, even if you can't always see me.
I'm seriously exploring my limits. Doing things out of my comfort zone. I would like to share it here but I don't think it's an appropriate audience. I'm excited nonetheless!
The little things that made you, you. And honestly, I wouldn't change it any other way.
4. Polar opposite.
It's very disturbing that we're so different. You're like a glittering night sky while I on the other hand, a clear cloudless afternoon. We like different things, we listen to different genres of song. You write when you're sad and mellow, and I can only vomit words when I'm happy and jumping on cloud nine. We're like two sides of the same coin. Different but always in each other's need. It's amazing how throughout the years, only recently we started to discover our similarities and differences. Distance really did bring us closer. Despite being an almost contradiction of ourselves I'm always grateful how we fit so well with each other. Thank you for putting up with my weird ass, who sometimes would go MIA for a good few weeks and not talk to you. Thank you for understanding how I'm such a closed off person, I rarely open up to people and you're one of the few that cracked me open even just a little. Thank you for always being the one talking, when we're Facetime-ing sometimes for a solid 5 hour because I prefer listening than talking. Thank you for being the sister I never had.
To my one and only Izz, happy birthday. The little things that made you, you. I love every bit of it no matter how weird and peculiar. We all have our little queer side to ourselves. I feel like I'm writing a love letter oh wow if I have a boyfriend you'd definitely be number one on his list of people to be jealous of, so please feel honoured (let's all pretend I have a boyfriend for a sec ok). Happy 21st birthday you silly little bub. Just know that a lot of people love you, sometimes the little things they did speaks for them. Always remember you're loved by many. Give yourself some credit.
1. You're so different, do you realise this.
A good kind of different. Like a fresh breath of air on a warm summer night, refreshing. You don't see the world like everyone else. I would love to see the world through your eyes, to have a glimpse of a whole new universe that I have yet to grasp. Through the years, you've helped me a lot in exploring myself and my thoughts, as well as how I see everything around me. There's always traces of you in everything I see now. I see you in rainy days and gloomy weather. I see you in the coffee I bought at Starbucks. I see you in an old vintage bookstore. I see you in the booth selling bracelet and rings at the fair. And I guess it's a bad thing because it makes me miss you more :(
A good kind of different. Like a fresh breath of air on a warm summer night, refreshing. You don't see the world like everyone else. I would love to see the world through your eyes, to have a glimpse of a whole new universe that I have yet to grasp. Through the years, you've helped me a lot in exploring myself and my thoughts, as well as how I see everything around me. There's always traces of you in everything I see now. I see you in rainy days and gloomy weather. I see you in the coffee I bought at Starbucks. I see you in an old vintage bookstore. I see you in the booth selling bracelet and rings at the fair. And I guess it's a bad thing because it makes me miss you more :(
2. I know sometimes you hate this, but you're a thinker.
Yes, sometimes you think too much but I find that very unique of you. Every step and decision is well measured and thought of, a total opposite of me. You hate how you can't help but stress over something you know you shouldn't, when your brain keeps on throwing 'what if's and making your life ten times harder. I know, I've been with you through it all and I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry. You should be proud of yourself on where you are now considering the things you've been through. I know you didn't come out of it unscathed, and you're still healing. Take your time because I will be there along the way regardless.
Yes, sometimes you think too much but I find that very unique of you. Every step and decision is well measured and thought of, a total opposite of me. You hate how you can't help but stress over something you know you shouldn't, when your brain keeps on throwing 'what if's and making your life ten times harder. I know, I've been with you through it all and I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry. You should be proud of yourself on where you are now considering the things you've been through. I know you didn't come out of it unscathed, and you're still healing. Take your time because I will be there along the way regardless.
3. I love how you can express yourself freely. You said things that crosses your mind and you're not afraid to voice your thoughts on things. I find it very intriguing that you're able to open up and talk about things that bother you or things that piqued your curiosity. What I envy most is how you could strip all your emotions bare and be naked with your feelings around your closest company. Opening up your heart is not something easy (at least for me) and I feel very honoured to have been the one to witness your laughs and tears throughout the years. I hope you stay the way you are but at the same time keep on climbing to a better Izz. To many more years of finding ourselves and making peace with the demons living inside us.
4. Polar opposite.
It's very disturbing that we're so different. You're like a glittering night sky while I on the other hand, a clear cloudless afternoon. We like different things, we listen to different genres of song. You write when you're sad and mellow, and I can only vomit words when I'm happy and jumping on cloud nine. We're like two sides of the same coin. Different but always in each other's need. It's amazing how throughout the years, only recently we started to discover our similarities and differences. Distance really did bring us closer. Despite being an almost contradiction of ourselves I'm always grateful how we fit so well with each other. Thank you for putting up with my weird ass, who sometimes would go MIA for a good few weeks and not talk to you. Thank you for understanding how I'm such a closed off person, I rarely open up to people and you're one of the few that cracked me open even just a little. Thank you for always being the one talking, when we're Facetime-ing sometimes for a solid 5 hour because I prefer listening than talking. Thank you for being the sister I never had.
To my one and only Izz, happy birthday. The little things that made you, you. I love every bit of it no matter how weird and peculiar. We all have our little queer side to ourselves. I feel like I'm writing a love letter oh wow if I have a boyfriend you'd definitely be number one on his list of people to be jealous of, so please feel honoured (let's all pretend I have a boyfriend for a sec ok). Happy 21st birthday you silly little bub. Just know that a lot of people love you, sometimes the little things they did speaks for them. Always remember you're loved by many. Give yourself some credit.
xx
Hi,
I know, I've been missing and not updating. Well, life happens. School already started two weeks ago and I'm so busy right now. Just dropping by to casually drop THIS here. My boys just dropped a bomb ass MV I'm still shook, just thought I'd share with you guys. I can't write what I felt here it's too much and I don't think words could do the job so feel free to check it out, along with their entire album which you can get on Itunes, legally.
I know, I've been missing and not updating. Well, life happens. School already started two weeks ago and I'm so busy right now. Just dropping by to casually drop THIS here. My boys just dropped a bomb ass MV I'm still shook, just thought I'd share with you guys. I can't write what I felt here it's too much and I don't think words could do the job so feel free to check it out, along with their entire album which you can get on Itunes, legally.
He had his fingers in her hair, fingertips untangling strands of hair and felt her leaning against the palm of his hand. She smelt nice, like strawberry and peach, soft. Just like her. She looked so soft and pretty in the morning with her lips slightly parted and her long lashes a contrast against her glowing skin. The morning light bathing over her figure, making her glistens and he almost believe that this was all a dream, but it's not. It's real. She's real, alive and in his arms. Her slow breathing tells him she's still fast asleep. All the worry wiped clean. He swiftly wrapped his arms around her and pulled closer. He can feel the tickling sensation of her breath on the crook of his neck, where she buries her face comfortably, mumbling something intangible in her sleep. A smile slowly crept on his still sleepy face, and he's already half grinning when he caught himself smiling. His fingers find hers almost on instinct and intertwine them, firm. It's okay. They're both free from everything weighing them down today. Just for today, it's okay. Just for today, everything's okay.
I was talking with Anas earlier and out of the blue marriage came up. Today, the thought of marriage crossed my mind a lot. Not in a good way, not exactly. Rather, I thought about how would the people around me welcome the idea of me, not getting married.
I was walking home from town this evening and it suddenly crossed my mind. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 8 years? I have so many things I would list out and so many things I wanna do before I reach the age of 30 and it struck me that marriage is not one of them. It's not even at the bottom of the list, it's nonexistent. I am somehow scared. I'm not really the type of person that cares about what people think of me but this particular issue worries me. It's not that I don't want to get married, but I'm scared of it. I'm scared of the idea of marriage, the gist of it, everything. Basically marriage scares me. Growing up scares me.
Long gone the 16 year old girl who dreams of getting married to her boyfriend and lead a happy life. Because lets be real, those stories only exist in the square box of flickering animations and pages of tear stained romance novel, and even those don't always end with happily ever after. I'm scared of maintaining relationships, I'm scared of communication. I'm scared of the things I'd have to live with, the choices I'd make. I have seen so many broken families because love alone would never be enough. The responsibilities that comes with it, often tears you down if not handled carefully.
I told Anas I'm scared. He said he's scared too. But he's a guy, society doesn't care if he's not married by the age of 30, but me on the other hand have to deal with the whispers around me. Maybe, I just haven't found the one? Who knows. Marriage is so complicated. You don't just marry your husband. His family comes as a package and it's inevitable. That scares me most. I hate when people have expectations on me. Expect me to be the perfect daughter, the perfect mother. At this point, I don't even know if I wanna be a mother, at least not yet. Can his family accept that? Can my family accept that? Oh god I hope my mom won't read this post.
This may seem childish to some people. Some would say I'm irresponsible, immature, ridiculous. But I swear to God if I'm forced into a marriage anytime soon, I'd flee the country. Actually, this says more about me rather than marriage itself. How I'm so lacking in so many aspect of being a wife, a mother even more. I know I should probably somehow mould myself to be more responsible, more mature and compromising. But I too realise, that I should change and be a better person because of me, because I want to, rather than to please others or attract a future spouse. I don't know how I develop this fear, because my past relationship is not really a complete disaster but it ended nevertheless.
I guess that happens, after 6 years of being with the same person, trust doesn't come that easily anymore.
I was walking home from town this evening and it suddenly crossed my mind. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 8 years? I have so many things I would list out and so many things I wanna do before I reach the age of 30 and it struck me that marriage is not one of them. It's not even at the bottom of the list, it's nonexistent. I am somehow scared. I'm not really the type of person that cares about what people think of me but this particular issue worries me. It's not that I don't want to get married, but I'm scared of it. I'm scared of the idea of marriage, the gist of it, everything. Basically marriage scares me. Growing up scares me.
Long gone the 16 year old girl who dreams of getting married to her boyfriend and lead a happy life. Because lets be real, those stories only exist in the square box of flickering animations and pages of tear stained romance novel, and even those don't always end with happily ever after. I'm scared of maintaining relationships, I'm scared of communication. I'm scared of the things I'd have to live with, the choices I'd make. I have seen so many broken families because love alone would never be enough. The responsibilities that comes with it, often tears you down if not handled carefully.
I told Anas I'm scared. He said he's scared too. But he's a guy, society doesn't care if he's not married by the age of 30, but me on the other hand have to deal with the whispers around me. Maybe, I just haven't found the one? Who knows. Marriage is so complicated. You don't just marry your husband. His family comes as a package and it's inevitable. That scares me most. I hate when people have expectations on me. Expect me to be the perfect daughter, the perfect mother. At this point, I don't even know if I wanna be a mother, at least not yet. Can his family accept that? Can my family accept that? Oh god I hope my mom won't read this post.
This may seem childish to some people. Some would say I'm irresponsible, immature, ridiculous. But I swear to God if I'm forced into a marriage anytime soon, I'd flee the country. Actually, this says more about me rather than marriage itself. How I'm so lacking in so many aspect of being a wife, a mother even more. I know I should probably somehow mould myself to be more responsible, more mature and compromising. But I too realise, that I should change and be a better person because of me, because I want to, rather than to please others or attract a future spouse. I don't know how I develop this fear, because my past relationship is not really a complete disaster but it ended nevertheless.
I guess that happens, after 6 years of being with the same person, trust doesn't come that easily anymore.
it was sunsets that taught me that beauty sometimes only lasts for a couple of moments, and it was sunrises that showed me that all it takes is patience to experience it all over again
a.j. lawless
a.j. lawless
I had a semi-productive day today, if I must say. I went out to have breakfast, the classic way any other British people would define breakfast; poached eggs, with smoked salmon and savoury scones and hollandaise sauce on the side. This is one of the things I'd definitely miss when I leave the country to be honest. If in Malaysia, my fancy breakfast would be nasi lemak or roti canai, here it'd be this. I took my time, enjoying my tea after breakfast and finally head out to go wandering around town.
As expected, I find myself slumped in the corner of the fiction section in Waterstones. My favourite place to just laze around browsing books and well, observe people. It's interesting to see the type of books people choose and often I play this little game in my head where I'd try to guess what type of book a person would choose or what section they'd go to first as soon as they set foot in the store. And I often fail at my own game. It's hard actually because well, you can't really judge a book by its cover right and same goes to people.
I spent two whole hours if not more picking up books from shelves but end up putting them back up. I've been a lot more choosy in my readings lately because I felt like every book basically have the same storyline, it's no longer interesting. Plus, the book I'm looking for is not available in store yet, so devastated. So I just went with my guts and pick one, heading to pay before I can change my mind.
I walked around town a bit more, thinking of getting ice-cream but I'm still quite full from my lavish breakfast I had earlier so I decided against it. On my way home, I stopped by the small park in front of the city hall. I had no intention to stay whatsoever but ended up spending three hours under the baby blue sky with my back on the yellowish grass and the sun in my face.
I could say finally I kinda understand why people like sun-bathing or the sun in general. The feeling of the sun, blazing hot and scorching felt nice, in a way. I hated hot weather back in Malaysia. Okay hate is a strong word, but I definitely didn't like spending my days all wet and sticky with sweat. And now, after almost a year deprived of the heat, I have to admit I love it. The things we take for granted when it's always there, this is one prime example. And not to mention, the park was nice and quiet even though benches in the circular area was packed with people playing pokemon go.
I was planning on spending my time reading the book I just bought but I was never one to start reading a book in the open. I can however, if I'm already halfway deep into the book; in my elements, you can literally talk to my face but I won't hear a thing. Trying to start a new book, I need closed space, just me and my new little adventure in hand. So I ended up watching people, watching the leaves ruffle, watching seagulls fly back and forth, watching a little girl playing with her brother, watching an elderly couple having a picnic, watching a homeless man sleep under the shade of a tree, watching the cloudless sky. I felt lighter. For a moment my mind felt empty except for what my eyes projected into the back of my brain.
Everyone looked so happy around me. Their smiles so honest and I felt I'm being handed pieces of everyone when I see them smile. Even for just that short moment, I believe that these people around me truly feel happy. They might hate their job, or were troubled by unfinished summer assignments, some might even just be waiting to get into college after the summer, all nervous and jittery but right at that moment all I can see is pure happiness. For that short moment, they're happy. And it just struck too close to home. This is what I've been looking for, this is what I've been searching in my impromptu adventures and how ironic I found it in my own town, literally 10 minutes away from home. My heart swells and burst at how content everyone looked, and I can't help but feel a surge of bliss washing over me. It's not just happiness, I found love too.
I found love when I saw a group of friends, high school kids probably, playing together and not on their phones. I found love watching a toddler just learning to walk with her parents on either side of her, holding her hands and whispering words of encouragement. I found love when I see a young lady with her head in her boyfriend's lap eyes never leaving the book at hand, but what she didn't see is the way he looked at her, like she puts the sun in his sky. I found love seeing an elderly couple eating homemade sandwich on a checkered piece of cloth, a definition of true love, maybe? I don't really know but I found love all around me. It's always been around, I just never noticed.
As expected, I find myself slumped in the corner of the fiction section in Waterstones. My favourite place to just laze around browsing books and well, observe people. It's interesting to see the type of books people choose and often I play this little game in my head where I'd try to guess what type of book a person would choose or what section they'd go to first as soon as they set foot in the store. And I often fail at my own game. It's hard actually because well, you can't really judge a book by its cover right and same goes to people.
I spent two whole hours if not more picking up books from shelves but end up putting them back up. I've been a lot more choosy in my readings lately because I felt like every book basically have the same storyline, it's no longer interesting. Plus, the book I'm looking for is not available in store yet, so devastated. So I just went with my guts and pick one, heading to pay before I can change my mind.
I walked around town a bit more, thinking of getting ice-cream but I'm still quite full from my lavish breakfast I had earlier so I decided against it. On my way home, I stopped by the small park in front of the city hall. I had no intention to stay whatsoever but ended up spending three hours under the baby blue sky with my back on the yellowish grass and the sun in my face.
I could say finally I kinda understand why people like sun-bathing or the sun in general. The feeling of the sun, blazing hot and scorching felt nice, in a way. I hated hot weather back in Malaysia. Okay hate is a strong word, but I definitely didn't like spending my days all wet and sticky with sweat. And now, after almost a year deprived of the heat, I have to admit I love it. The things we take for granted when it's always there, this is one prime example. And not to mention, the park was nice and quiet even though benches in the circular area was packed with people playing pokemon go.
I was planning on spending my time reading the book I just bought but I was never one to start reading a book in the open. I can however, if I'm already halfway deep into the book; in my elements, you can literally talk to my face but I won't hear a thing. Trying to start a new book, I need closed space, just me and my new little adventure in hand. So I ended up watching people, watching the leaves ruffle, watching seagulls fly back and forth, watching a little girl playing with her brother, watching an elderly couple having a picnic, watching a homeless man sleep under the shade of a tree, watching the cloudless sky. I felt lighter. For a moment my mind felt empty except for what my eyes projected into the back of my brain.
Everyone looked so happy around me. Their smiles so honest and I felt I'm being handed pieces of everyone when I see them smile. Even for just that short moment, I believe that these people around me truly feel happy. They might hate their job, or were troubled by unfinished summer assignments, some might even just be waiting to get into college after the summer, all nervous and jittery but right at that moment all I can see is pure happiness. For that short moment, they're happy. And it just struck too close to home. This is what I've been looking for, this is what I've been searching in my impromptu adventures and how ironic I found it in my own town, literally 10 minutes away from home. My heart swells and burst at how content everyone looked, and I can't help but feel a surge of bliss washing over me. It's not just happiness, I found love too.
I found love when I saw a group of friends, high school kids probably, playing together and not on their phones. I found love watching a toddler just learning to walk with her parents on either side of her, holding her hands and whispering words of encouragement. I found love when I see a young lady with her head in her boyfriend's lap eyes never leaving the book at hand, but what she didn't see is the way he looked at her, like she puts the sun in his sky. I found love seeing an elderly couple eating homemade sandwich on a checkered piece of cloth, a definition of true love, maybe? I don't really know but I found love all around me. It's always been around, I just never noticed.
P/s: I wrote this yesterday but somehow me being me, I forgot that I actually didn't post this. So yeah, it's not today's story but doesn't make a difference does it? *insert Taehyung's wink face*
Montauk
I am a city girl to my core. the first time my parents took me outside of New York City to visit my uncle in New Jersey, I was standing on the front porch of his lovely suburban home when a fast-moving shadow caused my three-year-old heart to damn near beat out of my chest, and I shouted That's the biggest rat I've ever seen. My uncle calmly responded, That's a cat, sweetie. And I shot back, Oh yeah? Well what's it doing outside then?
My parents figured that there were some things you couldn't learn in New York City. So every summer we migrated to Montauk, Long Island –– the easternmost part of New York State. My father only got two weeks off from work each year, so whenever August rolled around, we packed everything we could into company van and followed that yellow spotted line of highway out until we couldn't go any further.
This is where I learned to swim, where I heard the word shit for the first time from a bunch of surfers down the beach. This is where I learned to ride a bike, swerving around puddles on rainy afternoons. This is where I learned to drive a car in the hardware store parking lot; how to kiss a boy with the sand between my toes.
Time goes to Montauk to take a break. It loosens its belt, takes a seat on the front porch next to my father and his Weber grill. It putters around the kitchen with my mother while she kneads her homemade sourdough bread, and chuckles when it catches her speaking out loud to herself –– telling nobody in particular –– We should roast some peaches tonight. I'll bet oatmeal would be delicious for breakfast tomorrow if we roasted some peaches tonight.
Time stalls in Montauk. I am seven years old. My little brother is three. He splashes in a baby pool, while I brave the full-length Olympic-sized one by myself. Chubby in my one -piece, my thighs brush against each other as I tread water in the shallow end. I look up and see an older girl; perfect in her bikini, tall and tan, and probably on her way to meet her handsome Prince Charming boyfriend.
She glows as she glides past me, tosses her hair like she has all the answers, and I wonder if I will ever be a woman like that. That summer, I learn how to wish on stars.
I am twelve years old. My little brother is eight. He can surf better than I can, and I hate it. I wait until he and all the other surfers are done for the day before paddling my fat sponge of a board out pass the breakers. There is nobody left in the waters. The setting sun makes the ocean glow golden. I tuck my legs up. That summer I learn how to be alone.
I am sixteen. My brother is twelve and at the beach. I am reading magazines on the couch when my mother appears in the living room holding her laptop, the only computer in the house. My brother has downloaded his first porn video, and my mother is trying to decide what should be done about it. That night when I go to check my email, I discovered she has made a new folder on the desktop and labeled it, PK's porn. That summer I learn how to love my parents.
There are some things you cannot learn in New York City. There are places where fishnets do not mean stockings, where the learning happens in between moments, like after a wave passes, and you break the surface gasping for air.
I am twenty-two. The landmarks are the same. The same stretch of beach, same hardware store parking lot. Some of the names changed. The pool hasn't. I make my way to the shallow end and wade slow. In Montauk, I can take my time. I look up to see a little girl, chubby in her one-piece, gripping the wall and watching me enter the water , her eyes the size of summer tomatoes and just as red from all the chlorine-rubbing. I almost speak to her. But before I can, there is a splash behind me. A woman well into her fifties ––chubby in her one-piece––has cannonballed into the deep end. She comes up coughing, flailing, water in her nose. She comes up laughing. The little girl giggles. And me? Well, I am laughing, too.
Montauk. A poem by the lovely and ever so talented Sarah Kay. This poem is included in her book, No Matter the Wreckage, first published in 2014. One of my favourite by Sarah.
Hands, fingers, they all come in different sizes and shapes. I've hold onto hands that are warm, sometimes clammy or just a nice soft tingling against mine. I might have a slight obsession with hands.
I didn't realise this until quite recently, but that actually made sense because I used to remember how my friends' hands felt around mine and how their fingers look, in motion or wrapped around their favourite glass with coffee stains on them. Even back in high school, I recognised my closest friends' fingers and hands. I don't know, it might sound weird to most people but it's true. Like how some people could tell who is who by the way a person walks, I on the other hand recognise their hand gestures.
I remember one friend, who has long slender fingers. When she moves them around, it looks like they're dancing, so graceful and effortlessly poise. Like a ballerina on stage, it moves with precision but also soft. I like her fingers most I think of all the person I've ever hold hands. They're not exactly baby soft, but the callouses on her palms felt comfortable and her grip is somehow reassuring.
I don't know if anybody else notices this but everyone has a unique way of mobilising their fingers and hands. Some look a bit stiff and calculated, others look like they do not have bones beneath those long extensions of joints. Amazing actually. Even when not in motion, static, the way a person's hands and fingers are positioned differently in my eyes.
I have no idea why this minuscule trait caught my eyes, I've never been one into details and shit. I guess I just observe people a lot unconsciously, especially those who are dear to my heart :)
I didn't realise this until quite recently, but that actually made sense because I used to remember how my friends' hands felt around mine and how their fingers look, in motion or wrapped around their favourite glass with coffee stains on them. Even back in high school, I recognised my closest friends' fingers and hands. I don't know, it might sound weird to most people but it's true. Like how some people could tell who is who by the way a person walks, I on the other hand recognise their hand gestures.
I remember one friend, who has long slender fingers. When she moves them around, it looks like they're dancing, so graceful and effortlessly poise. Like a ballerina on stage, it moves with precision but also soft. I like her fingers most I think of all the person I've ever hold hands. They're not exactly baby soft, but the callouses on her palms felt comfortable and her grip is somehow reassuring.
I don't know if anybody else notices this but everyone has a unique way of mobilising their fingers and hands. Some look a bit stiff and calculated, others look like they do not have bones beneath those long extensions of joints. Amazing actually. Even when not in motion, static, the way a person's hands and fingers are positioned differently in my eyes.
I have no idea why this minuscule trait caught my eyes, I've never been one into details and shit. I guess I just observe people a lot unconsciously, especially those who are dear to my heart :)
"I left because I don't deserve her. I've brought nothing but pain in her life and I love her too much to see her get hurt. She deserve the world and everything more. She deserve more than I could offer. I'm not going back, I'm not gonna hurt her anymore," he said with his head buried in his hands.
I've never seen him this disheveled, long gone the glow in his face just a soft smile that didn't reach his eyes.
"Are you fucking serious? Do you hear yourself talking?" I said, a slight anger in my tone, "Let the woman make her own decision for goodness sake. You are in no position to decide what she deserve and what's best for her. Oh my god and I thought she's daft but here you are acting like a walking corpse over a break up neither of you wanted. Why am I friends with you guys again?"
"Because we're the only people who'd willing to tolerate your rotten personality,"he deadpans.
"Cut the sass, I thought you're being miserable right now? One at a time, jeez," a faint smile tugs at the corner of his lips and I am mildly relieved.
"Stop moping around and go get your girl back. Nobody but her should decide who she ends up with. Stop measuring her self worth, she's more than capable to do that herself. She's not freaking 15, and so are you."
He blinked.
"I don't know man. I don't know if I can see her face again after that night. The things I've said, the look on her face. I fucked up," he sighs. "This is not what I had in mind when I asked your advice on how to move on." He looked borderline offended and grateful.
"Well in my defence, you obviously look disgustingly in love with her. I'm just being the nice friend I am. And the last time I bumped into her, she didn't look too great herself. Pretty much a walking corpse like you. Don't live with regret, trust me you don't wanna live with a hole in your heart," I murmured, whispering the last sentence with my eyes never meeting his.
And somehow, in the small space of my heart something crack.
I've never seen him this disheveled, long gone the glow in his face just a soft smile that didn't reach his eyes.
"Are you fucking serious? Do you hear yourself talking?" I said, a slight anger in my tone, "Let the woman make her own decision for goodness sake. You are in no position to decide what she deserve and what's best for her. Oh my god and I thought she's daft but here you are acting like a walking corpse over a break up neither of you wanted. Why am I friends with you guys again?"
"Because we're the only people who'd willing to tolerate your rotten personality,"he deadpans.
"Cut the sass, I thought you're being miserable right now? One at a time, jeez," a faint smile tugs at the corner of his lips and I am mildly relieved.
"Stop moping around and go get your girl back. Nobody but her should decide who she ends up with. Stop measuring her self worth, she's more than capable to do that herself. She's not freaking 15, and so are you."
He blinked.
"I don't know man. I don't know if I can see her face again after that night. The things I've said, the look on her face. I fucked up," he sighs. "This is not what I had in mind when I asked your advice on how to move on." He looked borderline offended and grateful.
"Well in my defence, you obviously look disgustingly in love with her. I'm just being the nice friend I am. And the last time I bumped into her, she didn't look too great herself. Pretty much a walking corpse like you. Don't live with regret, trust me you don't wanna live with a hole in your heart," I murmured, whispering the last sentence with my eyes never meeting his.
And somehow, in the small space of my heart something crack.
It's 6.43pm and here I am looking out to the horizon where the sea meets the sky. I haven't felt this state of tranquility in such a long time. The sun is out, in all its glory, proud and bold in the cloudless sky. The wind is flirty and teasing, kissing my cheeks like a lover's first kiss. Everything feels right. I feel like I belong, my feet in the sand and the salty breeze in my face. I've always loved oceans and seas but this, this is different. It's like falling in love for the first time and today, I remember why I love beaches so much. Maybe I've been deprived of the ocean for so long, which explains this feeling that's washing over me. I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like my heart's just waiting to burst out of pure ecstasy. I've never known it's possible to be so happy and content with just being in the mere presence of salt water and sand granules, and the sun shining over you.
I don't wanna go home. I don't wanna go back to doing nothing in that small city town. I wanna smell like the ocean and have sun kissed skin for all I care. I wanna watch the sun rises and sets by its horizon everyday and bathe in the sound of waves splashing the shore. I don't wanna go home.
It's nice feeling like you're in love with something. Knowing that it'll always be there for you whenever you return. Just like some people, always being there. I know. I know it by heart that even if I crash and burn, these people will always be there, they've always been there. My short trip to the beach today feels like meeting your loved ones after a long separation. That desperate feeling of wanting to absorb everything and anything because you know, they can't stay. They're not here to stay. Trying to touch and feel them as long as you can, every fleeting second counts. I guess I can relate to that so much. These days I've felt so sad and mellow with so much people around me leaving. Graduating, marriage. Those are supposed to be happy things, but I found myself feeling sad for some reason. Having to let go of people in my life. I've always been attached to people, whether I show it or not. Today, the sea reminds me that sometimes those short encounter are so much more meaningful because you learn to appreciate it while it lasts.
I don't wanna go home. I don't wanna go back to doing nothing in that small city town. I wanna smell like the ocean and have sun kissed skin for all I care. I wanna watch the sun rises and sets by its horizon everyday and bathe in the sound of waves splashing the shore. I don't wanna go home.
It's nice feeling like you're in love with something. Knowing that it'll always be there for you whenever you return. Just like some people, always being there. I know. I know it by heart that even if I crash and burn, these people will always be there, they've always been there. My short trip to the beach today feels like meeting your loved ones after a long separation. That desperate feeling of wanting to absorb everything and anything because you know, they can't stay. They're not here to stay. Trying to touch and feel them as long as you can, every fleeting second counts. I guess I can relate to that so much. These days I've felt so sad and mellow with so much people around me leaving. Graduating, marriage. Those are supposed to be happy things, but I found myself feeling sad for some reason. Having to let go of people in my life. I've always been attached to people, whether I show it or not. Today, the sea reminds me that sometimes those short encounter are so much more meaningful because you learn to appreciate it while it lasts.
*pebbles*
This granny is so cute chilling by the beach, reading :)
Literally fell asleep here :/
Hello there, what's your name ;)
I've always been the girl who lives in the moment rather than pondering over my future. I guess it's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. Why worry about what's to come when you should enjoy each and every moment you have right now. It's a good thing when you live a life not having to worry about what kind of disaster awaits. But sometimes it makes you reckless and well, stupid.
I know in 5 years or maybe in a few months, I might not enjoy or even like whatever I'm obsessed with right now. I might even hate it, oh what are the odds. But before that day comes, I'm gonna live in the moment. I'm gonna love what I love now. I'm gonna wore my heart on my sleeve, I'm gonna make decisions I might regret later on. I'm gonna make memories so unbelievably ridiculous I'll cringe thinking about it when I'm old and gray. These simple little things are the ones that makes me, me. Sometimes, you don't need a reason to do things. I guess I let my heart makes most of the decisions in life; most of the time, I do something because I feel like doing it, no particular reason.
"Life was never worse but never better"
Lately, I'm enjoying my own company so much it scares me. It scares me that I'm content with being alone and doing things alone. I've always been a little bit on the introverted side but it's gotten a lot worse. I can't go shopping with people anymore, I can't watch movies on the laptop with people anymore, I can't do the things I'm used to do alone with people without it being awkward. I think I can still tolerate most things but the shopping or just going out part is the most obvious. It's weird as fuck to go out with people and do some shopping together, unless we're really close. I mean really really close that I can go out with you and not run out of things to talk about. There's like only few of those people, I can count them with one hand, which most of them are not here in the UK. This year alone, I can count how many times I haven't gone out by myself.
I love going out on my own because I don't have to rush anything I can walk as slow as I want or got lost in the crowd for fun. Not many people can understand the way my mind works, not many people can follow me into every shop looking at ridiculous things which I won't buy, without questioning it. I like spending my time like that, with no worries, not many people can understand that. And I hate when people question my fashion sense when I'm shopping for clothes hahahaha I know my taste is weird shut up. Usually when I'm out shopping with people, I'll just follow them around and silently wishing they'd finish faster so I can go home. I don't have the motivation to actually go around and go to the places I wanna go because I know my type of shopping differs from most people. Like who'd follow me spend half an hour looking at cute postcards and birthday cards at Paper Chase?! Maybe Anas, because he started the postcard hunting shit I've been doing for the past year or so smh. When I go out, I eat a lot. Like seriously I went to Starbucks then singgah Auntie Anne's before balik I'll go lepak Krispy Kreme, sometimes if I'm hungry I'll go to Crepe Affair. My friends here are definitely NOT a food junkie, at least not as much as I am. I enjoy having lazy "coffee shop hopping" around town or having ice cream whenever I feel like, even in winter (especially in winter!).
It's not like they're bad friends, no. Definitely not. They're great to be honest but we don't share the same interest and I find it hard to let people into my life. I love them regardless, we've been through a lot together for the past two years abroad and I'm always thankful. It's just there are certain things I don't feel comfortable to share or to express around them; I'm a very closed and secretive person, always have been. Sometimes I feel sorry because I know it seems like I'm distancing myself from everyone here but I can't help it comfort can't be enforced and I appreciate it if people respect my space, literally and figuratively. There's a thin line between being yourself or a perfected version of yourself and I think I've mastered the art of knowing whom I can let go and be myself. That doesn't make anyone any less of a friend, just a different bond of friendship.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to terms that what I'm doing now is unhealthy. It's unhealthy to be so immersed in yourself, no matter how much important it is to enjoy your own company, too much is pretty concerning. I don't know how to spend more time with people because it's nice being alone though sometimes loneliness bites you in the back. I'm worried that I enjoy my time alone rather than with people. I'm seriously worried. Spending the summer alone here in the UK is definitely not helping smh fix this Nadiah!
I love going out on my own because I don't have to rush anything I can walk as slow as I want or got lost in the crowd for fun. Not many people can understand the way my mind works, not many people can follow me into every shop looking at ridiculous things which I won't buy, without questioning it. I like spending my time like that, with no worries, not many people can understand that. And I hate when people question my fashion sense when I'm shopping for clothes hahahaha I know my taste is weird shut up. Usually when I'm out shopping with people, I'll just follow them around and silently wishing they'd finish faster so I can go home. I don't have the motivation to actually go around and go to the places I wanna go because I know my type of shopping differs from most people. Like who'd follow me spend half an hour looking at cute postcards and birthday cards at Paper Chase?! Maybe Anas, because he started the postcard hunting shit I've been doing for the past year or so smh. When I go out, I eat a lot. Like seriously I went to Starbucks then singgah Auntie Anne's before balik I'll go lepak Krispy Kreme, sometimes if I'm hungry I'll go to Crepe Affair. My friends here are definitely NOT a food junkie, at least not as much as I am. I enjoy having lazy "coffee shop hopping" around town or having ice cream whenever I feel like, even in winter (especially in winter!).
It's not like they're bad friends, no. Definitely not. They're great to be honest but we don't share the same interest and I find it hard to let people into my life. I love them regardless, we've been through a lot together for the past two years abroad and I'm always thankful. It's just there are certain things I don't feel comfortable to share or to express around them; I'm a very closed and secretive person, always have been. Sometimes I feel sorry because I know it seems like I'm distancing myself from everyone here but I can't help it comfort can't be enforced and I appreciate it if people respect my space, literally and figuratively. There's a thin line between being yourself or a perfected version of yourself and I think I've mastered the art of knowing whom I can let go and be myself. That doesn't make anyone any less of a friend, just a different bond of friendship.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to terms that what I'm doing now is unhealthy. It's unhealthy to be so immersed in yourself, no matter how much important it is to enjoy your own company, too much is pretty concerning. I don't know how to spend more time with people because it's nice being alone though sometimes loneliness bites you in the back. I'm worried that I enjoy my time alone rather than with people. I'm seriously worried. Spending the summer alone here in the UK is definitely not helping smh fix this Nadiah!
You're like a high school crush. The one who I can only admire and gawked from afar, never near. Where I know every nook and cranny of your dramatic "first world problem" any 17 year old could possibly have and yet chances are you didn't even know my name. My existence would be deemed oblivious to your everyday laugh with your small group of friends, lounging around the cafe during recess. But this time around, the difference is we're both no longer in school and you're a thousand miles away from me living your dreams and here I am watching you achieve them. I could never be happier. You're like a high school crush, but we're not in high school.
How can anybody not love the spiral of colours painting the sky as the sun descent the stretching horizon. The best things in life are free, some says and in my book, this is it. This is what people meant when they say the best things in life are free. I wouldn't say free, but rather priceless. You can't buy it with money anyway for it to be free.
Just look at those mixture of various shades of pink and purple. How amazing to think that each day, it differs. No same pattern or shade appears twice, there's always new streaks of red, sometimes more orange then usual sometimes just a pale yellow shimmering the skyline. It's a masterpiece of its own. No matter how many times I've witnessed the sun slowly sets, it never fails to take my breath away. I will never get tired of how the colours blend to create ripples of shattered rainbows bathed in gold, right before my eyes, before the faint blackness of dusk swallows them whole.
The thing about sunsets, it didn't last and it never will. You're lucky to witness such beauty in mere seconds. However short, I'm always burning with anticipation to see such majestic view. Again and again. It doesn't last, but it leaves me breathless, spreading warmth inside of me; keeping me away from the cold wind of chilly summer nights. At least that's what I felt. I've said this and I'm gonna say it again; sunsets are the best.
Shoutout to the people who have been there for me,
Regardless of distance or time zones,
Regardless of 5 hour phone calls or a single snapchat message,
I am forever grateful to be blessed with such people,
You guys are the family I got to choose,
A bond stronger than any marriage or relationships,
Thank you for the days when you made everything better,
When my days are stormy and chaotic,
You pull my hands and dance in the rain with me,
When it's bright and sunny,
You never forget to tuck a handful of rays in your pocket,
So that when my storms return you'd shower me with sunshine,
We'd have messy hair during windy days and still laugh at each other's ugly look,
But I know behind those insults you actually think I'm still pretty /winks/
I'd give you the stars if I could,
But you're already shining so bright,
Blinding any star known to men
You are your star, you are my star.
Have you ever experience an out of body situation, where everything felt so surreal and you kept telling yourself that this must be a dream, it must be, it can't be real. Reality seemed like a faraway galaxy, stretched in the open and you don't know what's real and what's not anymore. That's exactly how I felt when I get to meet these 7 amazing and beautiful people last week. I'm still recovering from the shock and adrenaline of the concert.
I don't think I could ever form coherent words how to describe what I felt, let alone write about it. What I know is, everything I've felt seeing them through my teeny-weeny phone screen are nothing compared to seeing them perform live. Everything is enhanced tenfolds, maybe more, I don't even know. I've been to concerts before so this is not something new to me but to attend and be in the presence of artists/performers that I have a slight obsession with is so overwhelming.
You might have seen me rant on twitter how ethereal I thought these guys are but seeing them with my own eyes, 'ethereal' won't do much justice. They look so good and so full of life and energy I literally drown in them. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THEIR STAGE PRESENCE LIKE OMG????? *cries in French*
Taehyung. It's obvious how much I adore Tae and his quirky bouncy personality. When I saw him on stage I was literally blown away. He's glowing, radiating his own aura I felt shivers down my spine as his voice echoes the arena. Ahhhh his voice makes me weak. I hate the fact that he have this much effect on me omg help me I'm Taehyung-ed.
Jungkook. Bias wrecker #1 smh I have nothing to say about Jungkook other than FREAKING RUDE. I'm trying to stay loyal to Tae here dude stay on your lane! Now I understand why he's the ultimate bias wrecker. When they're on stage, you can't seem to take your eyes off of this lil bunny. He's dripping with everything, sass, melodic voice, killer moves, and a body to die for *cough* thighs *cough*
Jimin. Bias wrecker #2 smh my head hurts. I've seen enough fancams to know how Jimin interacts with his audience when he performs but somehow I'm still taken aback at how flirty and teasing he is, I hate him JIMIN stay away from me hahahaha. Yes, he hit those high notes effortlessly, I have goosebumps.
Hobi. A standing ovation to this dude here, he slayed! Whoever doubted your talent should have their ears checked I swear to god. And the fact that he sounds ten times better in live performances speaks volume. He's flowing with energy, I sometimes wonder if he's high on something. I love you Jung Hoseok!
Jin. Holy freaking shit. That blond hair tho *cries* this dude smh he improved so much I'm so proud of him. Young Forever era is definitely Seokjin's, hands down. People have been sweeping him under the rug for so long he deserves the spotlight and recognition after all the hard work. And not to mention at the concert, despite being injured he still performed and did his best, throwing smiles all around for fans. I'm gonna start a movement #AppreciateJin2k16 and yall better support me!!
Namjoon. Okay this is when shits get real. Namjoon looked so good my heart hurts I can't handle him with his blond-ish silver hair fuck I don't even know how to describe the actual colour. AND THE BOY SPITS FIRE GODDAMN. I have no words for you Namjoon, good bye.
Yoongi. The fierce fluffball aww hahaha there's a thing about Yoongi that makes people lose their minds. I don't know if it's the aggressiveness in his rap, his stage presence or simply because he is Min Yoongi but you can't deny he owns the stage, grumpy-grandpa or not. He's like a walking contradiction, you can't really expect anything from him because he'd surprise you regardless.
Writing this post alone this drains me. I haven't even edited the videos from my camcoder I dont know if I can survive watching those again, reliving the concert again.
dear diary,
I think today, I've met the love of my life
Is it possible to love two people at the same time? If you ask me this question two or three years back, I'd say no. How can you possibly love two people at the same time? I used to think that love is something so sacred and you can't just love people randomly. Love for me, was something I cannot give so easily. There is no easy access no, no secret formula but once I love, I love with everything I have, every drop of blood, every vein and bones, every breath of my lungs, I love them with utmost passion. Maybe, that's why I thought loving two people at the same time seems rather ridiculous. My insides burn from loving one person, how can you survive two? That's suicide, or so I thought.
But then as I grow, I learn that loving someone doesn't always have to be like that. It doesn't have to be fireworks and explosions. You don't have to be burnt aflame, engulfing everything along the way. Sometimes, it can be soft, like how the breeze kisses your cheeks by the beach as the sun sets. Like the soft pads of his thumb caressing your palm. Love doesn't always sets butterflies in your stomach because it could also be the sweet sweet pain as your muscles twist, head thrown back laughing at some silly joke. Love could be many things.
So ask me that question again, is it possible to love two people at the same time? Yes, I would answer yes. You can never love different people the same way. Maybe not everyone agrees with me on this but I believe, each and every one of us loves differently and are loved differently. So loving two people at the same time? Why not. But no, I'm not saying you can have two girlfriends or cheat on your wife ffs. I'm saying that do not limit yourself of love and compassion. In relationships, love alone is not gonna work. You have to want to make it work, you have to put in efforts and determination. Your love is what drives you to accomplish all these for a better relationship/marriage. Relationship is a social exchange, you weigh the cost and benefit and love is what makes you stay even though at times, the cost outweighs. Apparently, love makes people take ridiculous risks and make stupid decisions. You can find yourself in love with 10 different people at the same time, but there will always be that one person who'd tell you to jump only to have you replying how high.
And when someone says you can never love anyone as much as you love them, don't be surprised. Because you can't. You can never love two people the same way. The reason you love them aren't the same. They aren't the same. So what makes you think you can love him like you love her? Your memories of them aren't the same. Just because you'll never love the same way doesn't mean that you won't love better.
But then as I grow, I learn that loving someone doesn't always have to be like that. It doesn't have to be fireworks and explosions. You don't have to be burnt aflame, engulfing everything along the way. Sometimes, it can be soft, like how the breeze kisses your cheeks by the beach as the sun sets. Like the soft pads of his thumb caressing your palm. Love doesn't always sets butterflies in your stomach because it could also be the sweet sweet pain as your muscles twist, head thrown back laughing at some silly joke. Love could be many things.
So ask me that question again, is it possible to love two people at the same time? Yes, I would answer yes. You can never love different people the same way. Maybe not everyone agrees with me on this but I believe, each and every one of us loves differently and are loved differently. So loving two people at the same time? Why not. But no, I'm not saying you can have two girlfriends or cheat on your wife ffs. I'm saying that do not limit yourself of love and compassion. In relationships, love alone is not gonna work. You have to want to make it work, you have to put in efforts and determination. Your love is what drives you to accomplish all these for a better relationship/marriage. Relationship is a social exchange, you weigh the cost and benefit and love is what makes you stay even though at times, the cost outweighs. Apparently, love makes people take ridiculous risks and make stupid decisions. You can find yourself in love with 10 different people at the same time, but there will always be that one person who'd tell you to jump only to have you replying how high.
And when someone says you can never love anyone as much as you love them, don't be surprised. Because you can't. You can never love two people the same way. The reason you love them aren't the same. They aren't the same. So what makes you think you can love him like you love her? Your memories of them aren't the same. Just because you'll never love the same way doesn't mean that you won't love better.
So I'm finally back after weeks of fucked up sleeping pattern (let's just pretend I have a normal sleeping pattern) and endless cry of agony of how much I hate studying for finals. Well glad that one is over. I really should be glad I'm free from the shackles of all things academic but the thing is, I don't really feel anything. Should I be worried? After my last paper yesterday I'd be lying if I say I don't feel happy but that's as far as it goes. Finished my exam at 1pm then I went for some grocery shopping because we literally have nothing to cook at home. I mean literally nothing, not even rice lol everyone's busy with exams nobody bother to go out and fill up the refrigerator. Got home, laid on my bed scrolling twitter, instagram etc and I somehow felt empty, not having to think and worry about anything. It's not even 8pm yet but I was bored, can you believe it?! ME. BORED.
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THE EXAM PERIOD TO BE OVER AND YET HERE I AM DREADING THE IDEA THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO DO (joke, I have sooo many things to do but I don't feel like doing anything). I've been planning shitload of things and stuff I wanna do as soon as I'm done with finals but here I am on my bed eating Haagen-Dazs' strawberry cheesecake ice-cream. Ridiculous, smh.
I guess that's what happens when you anticipate big things. I've talked about this before, about waiting for the big things in life expecting we'd be happy when it comes. But it really doesn't do much justice. I'm relieved, not entirely happy. I guess I can say I feel suffice, not quite happy but not sad either. Okay I'm rambling, whatever.
But heeeeyy, summer is just around the corner! Lets not be all sappy and shit. It's my first summer in the UK and I'm nervous. Partly because of Ramadhan (have to fast for 15 hours oh god give me strength!) and partly because I have no idea what to do and I don't want to just spend 3 months rotting in my house doing nothing. And then there's that spoken poetry thingy I promised I'd do (yikes!)
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THE EXAM PERIOD TO BE OVER AND YET HERE I AM DREADING THE IDEA THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO DO (joke, I have sooo many things to do but I don't feel like doing anything). I've been planning shitload of things and stuff I wanna do as soon as I'm done with finals but here I am on my bed eating Haagen-Dazs' strawberry cheesecake ice-cream. Ridiculous, smh.
I guess that's what happens when you anticipate big things. I've talked about this before, about waiting for the big things in life expecting we'd be happy when it comes. But it really doesn't do much justice. I'm relieved, not entirely happy. I guess I can say I feel suffice, not quite happy but not sad either. Okay I'm rambling, whatever.
But heeeeyy, summer is just around the corner! Lets not be all sappy and shit. It's my first summer in the UK and I'm nervous. Partly because of Ramadhan (have to fast for 15 hours oh god give me strength!) and partly because I have no idea what to do and I don't want to just spend 3 months rotting in my house doing nothing. And then there's that spoken poetry thingy I promised I'd do (yikes!)
If there's one thing I could instil in myself and every living soul I encounter, it's confidence.
My blog's a mess. Just like my life. Oh how tragic. I wanna tidy it up but I don't really have the motivation right now. I'm tired being turned up by "Fire" lmao soooooo I'll just let it scatter and all jumbled up for now but I swear to god I'll sort out my posts etc after finals
I have this habit of being sad and gloomy out of the blue. I'm pretty sure I have my life together to some extend and I think I'm doing great right now, minus the part that I have finals in 10 days. But I don't know, I'm exceptionally grumpy today. Maybe it's the hormones? I don't think so, it's way pass that time of the month. It happens tho, regularly. This. This feeling. Like my entire existence is nothing but a speck of dust floating on the milky way, aimlessly, without cause. And you know what's worse? All I just said is legit true. I cannot even describe what I'm feeling. Maybe, empty? It's not quite sad because obviously I don't have anything particular to be sad about. Frustrated? Yes but I don't know why. As I'm writing this I'm fighting the urge to scream my lungs out but I can't, it's 2.21am. My neighbours would freak out and I'd probably scare my housemates. It'll get messy and I hate dealing with anything messy it messes with my head. I screamed with my head buried in my pillow. It's still there, the suffocated feeling I have in my chest, it doesn't go away. What's wrong with me?
Sometimes I close my eyes and I see a clear blue sky with cotton candy clouds floating lazily, all fluffy and cute. Those were the good days. I too, have my bad days. On those days, I see storms break inside of me, as if all of my insides were jumbled up, all torn and a wreck. Those were the bad days. Sometimes, I feel nothing. I see nothing I hear nothing. Eyes wide open but everything's a blur. The faces I see I cannot recognise everyone looks the same. Those days were the worst. I lost the only thing I can still call mine. Me.
For the past few days, I have spent hours on youtube drowning in feels as I discovered spoken-word poetry. Instead of studying and doing assignments, I watched people open up and tell their stories, their darkest most scariest nightmare to their mundane life in NYC. To see people so vulnerable but so strong at the same time shows so much a person could do in that tiny little body. I see people fight for their dreams. I see people question their existence. I see people clung on their beliefs. Beautiful. It's just so beautiful what poetry can do to you. It makes you feel a thousand times more than you could ever imagine. Each word, each syllable, with enough stress with enough stutter, you crumble. Hats off to these amazing people who are able to touch hearts through their voices, through their stories. Not only you touch hearts, you aspire and give courage. I guess it's true, changing the world starts with oneself. Kudos!
"Kieran glanced at her with shimmering eyes. Neither looked quite human; The black eye was too dark, the silver too metallic. And yet the overall effect was haunting, inhumanly beautiful."
Lady Midnight, Cassandra Clare
Lady Midnight, Cassandra Clare
"In a world so chaotic, you were my escape, and I was yours"
Imagine living in a world where you stop ageing at the age of 18, young and carefree. Your beauty remains ethereal, somehow immortal and unaffected by the number of sunsets and sunrises. But these people don't want that, they do not wish for eternal youth because it means living a life so lonely and alone. It is a world where everyone's wish is to age and get older, because it means spending the remaining days with that one person meant for them, their soulmate, their other half. Imagine having all the time in the world, not having to worry and rush anything but deep down a piece of you is missing, gone. Would you rather live forever without that one person who completes you or live a life you know would end, but having your missing puzzle piece beside you along the way?
Naddy's guide on how to get through a bad day
1. Sleep, it's the cheapest (temporary) solution to almost everything.
2. Make yourself a nice warm cup of tea/coffee, whichever. I swear it helps.
3. If you feel like crying, cry. Cry your fucking eyes out, let it all out but make sure everything's out and promise to never cry for the same reason again.
4. Talk to someone. It's always great to vent it all out. But if you're like me (who hates sharing sometimes even to my best friends) then write or talk to your cat.
5. EAT. EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT, REGARDLESS OF HOW EXPENSIVE IT IS. Okay this one's over exaggerated.
6. Invest a little time for a nice warm bath, with soothing music and some scented candle if you prefer. Put on a comfy pyjama afterwards and a pair of socks to keep you warm.
7. Blast some good music. I listen to music at full volume and sing until my throat hurts but you can always play some nice and slow jam to relax your mind off of things, whichever you prefer.
8. Cuddle. Doesn't matter with people or your teddy bear. It makes you feel secure and loved, the best feeling.
9. Breathe. In and out. Just breathe. Slowly.
10. You are your greatest motivation and also your own destruction. Remember to let the motivation outweighs the destruction as much as you can. With this, you can overcome any bad day that comes your way.
What's wrong with being a little different? What's wrong with turning left instead of right? Everyone's a little different and being different is not wrong. We lead different lives, go through different troubles and meet different people, so how could anyone be similar? Yes, no one is ever truly perfect, so what definition of right serves as the base of your judgement? Instead of avoiding differences, embrace it. Get to know the differences in life. People in general are attracted to something they find similar to what or who they are, sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eyes. But deep down, it's something that's foreign and unfamiliar that triggered those attraction. You might find someone that shares the same passion attractive but the things you discovered on how different he is from you might be the reason for you to stay. It's the discovery that excites people. The feeling of being able to feel at home yet out of the ordinary, priceless. So don't be afraid to be different, don't be afraid to be who you are.
I have my moments.
Moments when I feel I am most happy on my own, the world can say anything to bring me down and I couldn't care less.
I have my moments.
Moments when I am most fragile. Even a tug of memory could make me crumble.
No happy day lasts, but neither are sad ones.
And today, I'm emotionally wrecked.
"I've learned that the greatest things only happen once; at the right moment and circumstances. Recreating them won't be as great"
One of my twitter friend (Afeeq) tweeted this few weeks ago. That one sentence keep coming back to me and it scares me that it's absolutely true. In fact, I know for sure for I have tried several times to recreate moments but often lead to disappointment. We can't recreate happy moments, nor sad ones. Every single moment is something new, something changes even the littlest detail and that changes everything. I guess it's a good thing, that the same thing won't happen twice, in two same situations. It's also sad, to experience something just once and never again the same way. You might encounter it again, but you won't get the same feeling of experiencing it for the first time. The excitement is still there, but somehow different, with a tug of familiarity. It's like falling in love for the first time. The second or third could also be beautiful and you'll still have butterflies in your stomach but it's not the same feeling. That's the beauty of time I guess, nothing ever stays the same.
So if you feel like the sky is crumbling down on you today, breathe. Breathe. Because it won't last. And if you're happy and you feel like the whole world stops around you, treasure it. You wont get the chance to experience it again. Absorb everything around you; how the leaves sound so melodic brushing against each other, that silly smile on your friends face, the way the wind blows his hair making it a pretty mess. Treasure those moments; meaningless conversations or mean jokes. The way small waves soaked your body with her laughter in your ear, take it all in. You will miss this one day, like I do right now. Sometimes I regret not paying enough attention to the people around me. I'm starting to forget the way her eyes formed creases around it when she smiles. Or how they would say mean words to each other but their eyes says otherwise. I'd give the world to have those moments again, where we're just having fun and the only problem we'd have are silly exams, not life decisions.
One of my twitter friend (Afeeq) tweeted this few weeks ago. That one sentence keep coming back to me and it scares me that it's absolutely true. In fact, I know for sure for I have tried several times to recreate moments but often lead to disappointment. We can't recreate happy moments, nor sad ones. Every single moment is something new, something changes even the littlest detail and that changes everything. I guess it's a good thing, that the same thing won't happen twice, in two same situations. It's also sad, to experience something just once and never again the same way. You might encounter it again, but you won't get the same feeling of experiencing it for the first time. The excitement is still there, but somehow different, with a tug of familiarity. It's like falling in love for the first time. The second or third could also be beautiful and you'll still have butterflies in your stomach but it's not the same feeling. That's the beauty of time I guess, nothing ever stays the same.
So if you feel like the sky is crumbling down on you today, breathe. Breathe. Because it won't last. And if you're happy and you feel like the whole world stops around you, treasure it. You wont get the chance to experience it again. Absorb everything around you; how the leaves sound so melodic brushing against each other, that silly smile on your friends face, the way the wind blows his hair making it a pretty mess. Treasure those moments; meaningless conversations or mean jokes. The way small waves soaked your body with her laughter in your ear, take it all in. You will miss this one day, like I do right now. Sometimes I regret not paying enough attention to the people around me. I'm starting to forget the way her eyes formed creases around it when she smiles. Or how they would say mean words to each other but their eyes says otherwise. I'd give the world to have those moments again, where we're just having fun and the only problem we'd have are silly exams, not life decisions.
"I missed you in a small way. Tiny enough to fold up and slip it in my pocket, and carry that loneliness with me everywhere I went. I'd forget all about you, until my hand accidentally brushed against that slip of memory"
-dearfernweh (via wnq-writers)
And once in a while, I would wake up at night missing you, for no reason at all. Today is one of those days. It felt like it was yesterday you would be there for me whenever I needed you. Today I missed you. I guess it's a habit my heart picks up over the years we've been together, and getting over something you learn to live with for the past 5 years is not easy. I absolutely have no regret in us, because we were happy for quite a long time but now we're better off on our own. Just like the season, people change, feelings fade. The last time we talked was like more than a year ago but somehow we have been keeping tracks of each other. I haven't heard anything from you since the past 5 months and this is probably my fault. I was afraid that my heart would waver so I cut you off, even though we were on good terms. And in return you cut me off too. I was a little bit upset and I have no idea why because that's exactly what I want, for you to forget me. Like I said, I guess old habits die hard. Today, I woke up with tears in my eyes. I didn't remember the dream but what I'm sure of is that it's about you. Sigh. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, BRAIN -.- I've noticed this for quite a while. Every a month or two, I will always be haunted by you in my dreams. It's like something somewhere deep inside of me, despise my decision of leaving what we had. There's a feeling I can't describe every time I woke up from one of those dreams, it's like something is fighting inside of me. My heart hurts thinking that I ruined whatever future we could have. Stupid dreams.
There's no one before you, and there's still no one after you. I'm still learning to open up my heart, to love again. I never knew it's so hard to let people in. I find it hard to actually trust people to the point I trusted you, it felt wrong. Maybe this is why people often say don't love wholeheartedly, don't give it all because at some point there's nothing left. I once love carelessly, wholeheartedly, I shower my partner with so much love the 'me' now is astounded I still have room to love something else. I'm that clingy girlfriend who will always want to talk to you, always want you to tell me that you love me, yeah I once was that type of girlfriend (omg annoying right? I'm so sorry). Right now, the thought of being in a relationship actually scares me. I'm not someone who's good at getting to know people and stuff. I guess no boyfriend for the next few years, at least until I have my life all figured out. And I hope this reoccurring moments where I'd dream of you and start missing you once in while could stop, because I'm honestly tired trying to hold my heart in its place. It's time to grow up and let it all be just memories and memories alone.
Hearing your voice, even in just my dream, broke me. You broke me.
