I was talking with Anas earlier and out of the blue marriage came up. Today, the thought of marriage crossed my mind a lot. Not in a good way, not exactly. Rather, I thought about how would the people around me welcome the idea of me, not getting married.

I was walking home from town this evening and it suddenly crossed my mind. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 8 years? I have so many things I would list out and so many things I wanna do before I reach the age of 30 and it struck me that marriage is not one of them. It's not even at the bottom of the list, it's nonexistent. I am somehow scared. I'm not really the type of person that cares about what people think of me but this particular issue worries me. It's not that I don't want to get married, but I'm scared of it. I'm scared of the idea of marriage, the gist of it, everything. Basically marriage scares me. Growing up scares me.

Long gone the 16 year old girl who dreams of getting married to her boyfriend and lead a happy life. Because lets be real, those stories only exist in the square box of flickering animations and pages of tear stained romance novel, and even those don't always end with happily ever after.  I'm scared of maintaining relationships, I'm scared of communication. I'm scared of the things I'd have to live with, the choices I'd make. I have seen so many broken families because love alone would never be enough. The responsibilities that comes with it, often tears you down if not handled carefully.

I told Anas I'm scared. He said he's scared too. But he's a guy, society doesn't care if he's not married by the age of 30, but me on the other hand have to deal with the whispers around me. Maybe, I just haven't found the one? Who knows. Marriage is so complicated. You don't just marry your husband. His family comes as a package and it's inevitable. That scares me most. I hate when people have expectations on me. Expect me to be the perfect daughter, the perfect mother. At this point, I don't even know if I wanna be a mother, at least not yet. Can his family accept that? Can my family accept that? Oh god I hope my mom won't read this post.

This may seem childish to some people. Some would say I'm irresponsible, immature, ridiculous. But I swear to God if I'm forced into a marriage anytime soon, I'd flee the country. Actually, this says more about me rather than marriage itself. How I'm so lacking in so many aspect of being a wife, a mother even more. I know I should probably somehow mould myself to be more responsible, more mature and compromising. But I too realise, that I should change and be a better person because of me, because I want to, rather than to please others or attract a future spouse. I don't know how I develop this fear, because my past relationship is not really a complete disaster but it ended nevertheless.

I guess that happens, after 6 years of being with the same person, trust doesn't come that easily anymore.