Heart made of a thousand folded paper planes, each a love letter written for you. It's a language we both knew so well. Something sacred we once shared. People often talk about soulmates, of a connection that feels almost cosmic. You've always known me best, I wonder if you still do. I wonder if people know soulmates don't exist.
I hope tomorrow or sometime in the future if I see this, I want you to know that your bad days don't last. This feeling will eventually pass and you won't even remember that one night in June that felt like hell. But for now, your feelings are valid. It's hard right now, it feels like there won't be a tomorrow. Writing this helps, practising your breathing helps. You are always in control of your life, no matter how many times you feel like you're lost and the wheels are turning the other way, you will always gain back control. It doesn't matter if the track has changed, you still get to decide where you're going and how you're gonna reach there. Good luck future me! Hopefully, you don't have days as bad as this often.
Paint me yellow, bright and glimmering in the sun. Yellow like daffodils in spring. Paint me yellow, with streaks of sunlight on my skin. There is a kind of stillness in the air you breathe, in the songs you sing to me sometimes. The world seems so unreachable from where we are. Just two souls orbiting each other’s axis. The sun rises and sets again, yellow. I let you paint my nails, yellow. The pages of poetry we read to each other, yellow. If love is a colour, ours would be yellow. It glows like the morning sun. Soft like a lady dancing so gracefully in her pretty sundress. Soft, just like your hand in mine on days where the moon shines the brightest. Flowers in my hair, you twirl me around and around and the world disappears. With sunset in the horizon and your hand in mine, I thought to myself, 'this is it, this love will stay with me forever'.
Now that I’m a little older, I wonder why my younger self was filled with so much anger. I remember being irritated and angry at the pettiest things and honestly it messed with my energy a lot. It made me unsettled and always ready to strike. As if, everything and anything could tick me off any minute. I’m not a confrontational person, but I still harbour those angry feelings even if I kept it to myself. And it’s the stupidest thing. Now looking back, it was so dumb and so emotionally tiring. I’ve learned to pick my battles and not be so bitter at everything, especially things I couldn’t change. It felt freeing to not hold onto those negative energy anymore.
Now, I always ask myself every time I’m upset. Why am I feeling like this? Is it justifiable? What can I do to fix it? What can I change? I sit back and reevaluate what I feel and I’ve found that by doing so I minimised my outbursts or unnecessary complaints. Of course, it still happens, but I can control it better now. I hate it whenever I’m angry. It makes me upset and when I’m upset I’ll put a damper on other people’s mood too. There’s just so much negative energy going on. Anger is so volatile, often it makes people irrational. I've made so many stupid decisions and said a lot of hurtful things when I was angry, and I hate myself for it. I'm learning to not be so angry at the world anymore. Nothing is ever fair out there and if I spend my whole life being angry at everything, imagine how miserable I'd be. I'm learning to differentiate what's worth it and what's not. To be comfortable in acknowledging my feelings and understanding them better.
I know a lot of people have issues with their anger and I hope someday you will find that middle ground that works for you. I'm not saying to turn a blind eye on everything but it's time you learn to pick your battles. I think managing your anger is something everyone goes through. It's not something to achieve but rather worked through as we go. This is a reminder for myself more than anything.
Hi,
I'm writing this just a little past midnight on my birthday. If this is posted, it'll be my first post on this blog this year. I haven't been on here in so long it feels a little awkward doing this, but I wanna keep this blog up. I've been writing on here since 2012, that's 8 years. Isn't it crazy how time works? You feel like it's stretched out so long, other times you wonder where it went. In between those moments, we've all changed. We grow and we lived, and throughout all that I've always had this blog with me. This is the closest thing to a journal I've ever had. Back in high school, I used to write diaries. I still have them I think. Countless books filled with littering song lyrics and bits and pieces of that naive teenage girl I was back then. Life was so simple, I wish 15 year old Nadia knew that.
I'm 25 now and I'm still learning about myself everyday. When I was young, I imagined 25 year old Nadia would be married, have a stable life, an adult. Basically nothing like where I am right now. But I'm not sad about it. My views on marriage has changed and it'll probably change again in the next few years. Maybe in the future I'll read this again and laugh at how stupid 25 year old me was. For now I'm grateful for everything I have.
My life is far from perfect, I still have things I need to do and want to do. 2020 might be a glitch in the system but our life is not, it's still ongoing and our time is still ticking. May always feels like half of the year has gone by, at least for me. My birthday has always been a reflection of what I've done for the past half of the year. Nothing much changed, but that's okay too. I might not have a lifetime to live, but if I wake up tomorrow I'm grateful to be given another day. I know most of us are going through tough times right now. With everything that's going on I hope we're all a little kinder, to other people and to ourselves!
Happy birthday to me, and I'm wishing everyone a great ending, let's kick 2020's butt!
