"I missed you in a small way. Tiny enough to fold up and slip it in my pocket, and carry that loneliness with me everywhere I went. I'd forget all about you, until my hand accidentally brushed against that slip of memory"

-dearfernweh (via wnq-writers)

And once in a while, I would wake up at night missing you, for no reason at all. Today is one of those days. It felt like it was yesterday you would be there for me whenever I needed you. Today I missed you. I guess it's a habit my heart picks up over the years we've been together, and getting over something you learn to live with for the past 5 years is not easy. I absolutely have no regret in us, because we were happy for quite a long time but now we're better off on our own. Just like the season, people change, feelings fade. The last time we talked was like more than a year ago but somehow we have been keeping tracks of each other. I haven't heard anything from you since the past 5 months and this is probably my fault. I was afraid that my heart would waver so I cut you off, even though we were on good terms. And in return you cut me off too. I was a little bit upset and I have no idea why because that's exactly what I want, for you to forget me. Like I said, I guess old habits die hard. Today, I woke up with tears in my eyes. I didn't remember the dream but what I'm sure of is that it's about you. Sigh. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, BRAIN -.- I've noticed this for quite a while. Every a month or two, I will always be haunted by you in my dreams. It's like something somewhere deep inside of me, despise my decision of leaving what we had. There's a feeling I can't describe every time I woke up from one of those dreams, it's like something is fighting inside of me. My heart hurts thinking that I ruined whatever future we could have. Stupid dreams.

There's no one before you, and there's still no one after you. I'm still learning to open up my heart, to love again. I never knew it's so hard to let people in. I find it hard to actually trust people to the point I trusted you, it felt wrong. Maybe this is why people often say don't love wholeheartedly, don't give it all because at some point there's nothing left. I once love carelessly, wholeheartedly, I shower my partner with so much love the 'me' now is astounded I still have room to love something else. I'm that clingy girlfriend who will always want to talk to you, always want you to tell me that you love me, yeah I once was that type of girlfriend (omg annoying right? I'm so sorry). Right now, the thought of being in a relationship actually scares me. I'm not someone who's good at getting to know people and stuff. I guess no boyfriend for the next few years, at least until I have my life all figured out. And I hope this reoccurring moments where I'd dream of you and start missing you once in while could stop, because I'm honestly tired trying to hold my heart in its place. It's time to grow up and let it all be just memories and memories alone.