hello 2018,

I wish everyone a happy new year, a new beginning for some and a turning point for others. I wish for a kinder world and a happier Nadiah. Every change starts with oneself and I think I'm gonna hold on to that.

I don't really believe the new year new me bullshit, it never worked for me. Maybe I just don't have enough motivation to commit, me and my commitment issue. For people with new year resolutions and new goals, kudos to you! I wish 2018 is the year you achieve your goals and tick off those resolution one by one. For me, I just wanna be happy. It's the same as the years before but I don't think I did anything phenomenal that would take me closer to it. Don't get me wrong, 2017 has been one of my greatest year, it holds some of my happiest memories in life. A lot has happened in a year. I've overcome some of my biggest insecurities, did things I would've never thought I'd be able to. I've learned so many new things in 2017, seeing the world from a different perspective. I've met so many lovely souls, loving me and being with me throughout the year and I appreciate these people so much. But there's still something that's keeping me held back, from doing more, being happier. And I realised that's something I've never really tried to change because it comes and goes. I want this year to be different, I gotta start somewhere so I'm doing one right now, talking about my problems. This post is more for me to read instead of the general public so I'm not sure if I'm gonna post this.

I've been feeling shitty for the last few weeks of 2017, everything just feels too much. One thing led to another and suddenly it's an endless cycle, what initially started off small got blown into this one big mess inside my head. This chain reaction that I couldn't stop, day after day. I just feel sad most of the time. I went to sleep when the sun was already peeking by the horizon and wake up when it sets. I didn't do anything but it's so tiring, just living. Eating feels like a chore, everything just takes so much energy. I'm aware of my condition, this is not the first time it happened and I've gone through worst, but I feel like I need to talk about it this time. I've never talked about it, to anyone not even to my silent canvas I don't think I've ever addressed this issue even to myself. Just silent acknowledgment. For someone very private, having my feelings laid bare like this is a huge step. Writing this feels wrong, like I'm intruding my own consciousness which I know doesn't make sense at all. It was hard. I've got a lot of repressed emotion inside of me. I've lost a few people in 2017, people I've grown up with, someone very close to me and people I look up to. One I was prepared for and one that hit me like a truck and let me tell you, being prepared doesn't mean it hurts any less, in fact those pent up sadness builds over time making this all worse. Sometimes silence
could be so loud, it's deafening.

I figured I need to channel these feelings somewhere and I usually write but lately I just couldn't and I guess I've seen this coming, me spiralling back into this whirlpool of not just pent up sadness but everything all at once, anger, hopelessness, disappointment. It was a dark time but I've manage to break this cycle all thanks to the people around me. Talking really helps, and I don't mean talking about my problems just talking in general. Being there means a lot, especially when all I wanna do is not talk or engage in anything. And one thing I realised, everything points back to ourselves. Forcing a conversation with me won't help because I will only shut people down. I'm glad I pull myself together and actually get out of my room, distract myself with people around me. I realised nobody could help me other than myself. I'm glad I always have people around me, someone I could talk to about the weather, funny videos or a meme, random things. It doesn't go away all at once, but baby steps. People cope in different ways and my way doesn't necessarily work on you but remember you're not alone. If you're waiting for a sign, this is it. I am your sign, I am here, I care. You can talk to me if you need to, I'll listen.


I cracked myself open just a little, baby steps, baby steps. Things aren't gonna be easy in the blink of an eye, it's not that simple, never was. Here's to loving ourselves, here's to a better 2018.