I hope tomorrow or sometime in the future if I see this, I want you to know that your bad days don't last. This feeling will eventually pass and you won't even remember that one night in June that felt like hell. But for now, your feelings are valid. It's hard right now, it feels like there won't be a tomorrow. Writing this helps, practising your breathing helps. You are always in control of your life, no matter how many times you feel like you're lost and the wheels are turning the other way, you will always gain back control. It doesn't matter if the track has changed, you still get to decide where you're going and how you're gonna reach there. Good luck future me! Hopefully, you don't have days as bad as this often.
Paint me yellow, bright and glimmering in the sun. Yellow like daffodils in spring. Paint me yellow, with streaks of sunlight on my skin. There is a kind of stillness in the air you breathe, in the songs you sing to me sometimes. The world seems so unreachable from where we are. Just two souls orbiting each other’s axis. The sun rises and sets again, yellow. I let you paint my nails, yellow. The pages of poetry we read to each other, yellow. If love is a colour, ours would be yellow. It glows like the morning sun. Soft like a lady dancing so gracefully in her pretty sundress. Soft, just like your hand in mine on days where the moon shines the brightest. Flowers in my hair, you twirl me around and around and the world disappears. With sunset in the horizon and your hand in mine, I thought to myself, 'this is it, this love will stay with me forever'.
Now that I’m a little older, I wonder why my younger self was filled with so much anger. I remember being irritated and angry at the pettiest things and honestly it messed with my energy a lot. It made me unsettled and always ready to strike. As if, everything and anything could tick me off any minute. I’m not a confrontational person, but I still harbour those angry feelings even if I kept it to myself. And it’s the stupidest thing. Now looking back, it was so dumb and so emotionally tiring. I’ve learned to pick my battles and not be so bitter at everything, especially things I couldn’t change. It felt freeing to not hold onto those negative energy anymore.
Now, I always ask myself every time I’m upset. Why am I feeling like this? Is it justifiable? What can I do to fix it? What can I change? I sit back and reevaluate what I feel and I’ve found that by doing so I minimised my outbursts or unnecessary complaints. Of course, it still happens, but I can control it better now. I hate it whenever I’m angry. It makes me upset and when I’m upset I’ll put a damper on other people’s mood too. There’s just so much negative energy going on. Anger is so volatile, often it makes people irrational. I've made so many stupid decisions and said a lot of hurtful things when I was angry, and I hate myself for it. I'm learning to not be so angry at the world anymore. Nothing is ever fair out there and if I spend my whole life being angry at everything, imagine how miserable I'd be. I'm learning to differentiate what's worth it and what's not. To be comfortable in acknowledging my feelings and understanding them better.
I know a lot of people have issues with their anger and I hope someday you will find that middle ground that works for you. I'm not saying to turn a blind eye on everything but it's time you learn to pick your battles. I think managing your anger is something everyone goes through. It's not something to achieve but rather worked through as we go. This is a reminder for myself more than anything.
Hi,
I'm writing this just a little past midnight on my birthday. If this is posted, it'll be my first post on this blog this year. I haven't been on here in so long it feels a little awkward doing this, but I wanna keep this blog up. I've been writing on here since 2012, that's 8 years. Isn't it crazy how time works? You feel like it's stretched out so long, other times you wonder where it went. In between those moments, we've all changed. We grow and we lived, and throughout all that I've always had this blog with me. This is the closest thing to a journal I've ever had. Back in high school, I used to write diaries. I still have them I think. Countless books filled with littering song lyrics and bits and pieces of that naive teenage girl I was back then. Life was so simple, I wish 15 year old Nadia knew that.
I'm 25 now and I'm still learning about myself everyday. When I was young, I imagined 25 year old Nadia would be married, have a stable life, an adult. Basically nothing like where I am right now. But I'm not sad about it. My views on marriage has changed and it'll probably change again in the next few years. Maybe in the future I'll read this again and laugh at how stupid 25 year old me was. For now I'm grateful for everything I have.
My life is far from perfect, I still have things I need to do and want to do. 2020 might be a glitch in the system but our life is not, it's still ongoing and our time is still ticking. May always feels like half of the year has gone by, at least for me. My birthday has always been a reflection of what I've done for the past half of the year. Nothing much changed, but that's okay too. I might not have a lifetime to live, but if I wake up tomorrow I'm grateful to be given another day. I know most of us are going through tough times right now. With everything that's going on I hope we're all a little kinder, to other people and to ourselves!
Happy birthday to me, and I'm wishing everyone a great ending, let's kick 2020's butt!
There are days when sadness arrives, unannounced and quiet. It knocks on my door, with scraped hands and torn out nails. I find myself opening my door every single time. Made them tea and maybe invite them for a little cuddle, warm blankets, and pillows. On those days, I disappear. My only company is my guest. Sadness doesn't ask questions, they wrapped me up in their arms and lulled me to sleep. Days after days sadness doesn't leave. I can't remember the last time I picked up pen and paper and just write. Write about sadness, about love, about hope and longing. Maybe sadness is here to remind me that it's okay to cry sometimes in the quiet of your bed, it's okay to want, maybe sadness is telling me to not forget. I have long left the pieces of me in the things scattered around my room. Pieces of me in the book I never finished, or that postcard I never got the chance to send, the reflection in the mirror that I no longer recognise. Sadness comes unannounced, but never unwelcome.
–a little something from #syfqhndiahwrites on twitter with some minor correction. it's a piece i always revisit whenever i feel sad and under the weather. posting this here in conjunction with World Mental Health day, a reminder that the first step towards a better mental health is to acknowledge your feelings.
–a little something from #syfqhndiahwrites on twitter with some minor correction. it's a piece i always revisit whenever i feel sad and under the weather. posting this here in conjunction with World Mental Health day, a reminder that the first step towards a better mental health is to acknowledge your feelings.
Do you believe in love at first sight? I didn't, I still don't. Still, fate has a funny way of reuniting people. Fate and feelings buried under years and years of heartbreak. It was always easy to love you, you and your quiet smile and kind eyes. I build myself a castle of grievances and put up walls in the crevices of my heart and yet again you come knocking it into pieces. I've never known heartbreak quite like this, it feels like forever yet everything is still raw. It's so easy to love you, I just love you. I wish I don't anymore.
Hi, we are back to our usual schedule, yepp another post of me making a list. I guess, this will be an updated version, not very original of me but I needed to get this out of my system and I find making lists still works for me and I'm gonna do just that. Been feeling anxious lately, the worst part is me not doing anything about it and wallowing in self pity and loathing mmh fun :)
A little list of things I'm grateful for in the first half of 2019 –
A little list of things I'm grateful for in the first half of 2019 –
- I may not have the most perfect family but I'm grateful to have very understanding parents, who let me take on life at my own pace and make my own decisions, who trusts me and believe in me.
- I'm very thankful for the friends I have, both near and far. I haven't been the greatest friend lately but I'm still so grateful for these people around me.
- Being privileged enough to enjoy my hobbies and actually do stuff I'm interested in.
- Cannot express how thankful I am to be born in this lifetime, with all these people and to experience all these little adventures even though most of the time I wanna give up just disappear. But there are moments when it feels like this is all worth it, this will all be worth it.
- I'm grateful for the health and well being of myself and the people I love
- Thankful that I am equipped and in tuned enough with my body, I've been trying to keep track of my mental health and physical health more closely. Learning new things and unlearn some unhealthy habits.
- Some days it's hard just waking up and thinking there's a life ahead of me waiting to be lived but that's just how things work for me. Some days it's easier than others and that's okay.
- Eventho I don't write as much anymore on this blog, writing is still one of my best outlet to express myself. I still write in the privacy of my notes, scribbles on my phone and long forgotten drafts on my twitter. I find that I'm more honest when I write for myself and not the world to see.
- I'm grateful for my cat, honest to God bless cats and pets in general.
Staying in, books are your best friend, loving your quiet space, animals over people, cancelling plans to stay in bed, small circle of friends etc etc etc
Maybe those are the things you've come to associate with introverts. The internet has created this pretty little aesthetic of introverted people. Making it seems easy dealing with life, like everyone would just understand why suddenly you're tired and less talkative in the middle of conversation, wanting to see your friends but you've used up all your social energy for the week. It all seems trivial and like something everyone goes through. Being on the internet makes you feel like you're valid and people understand you, but in real life they often don't and you're more often than not will be disappointed.
In real life, it sucks. Bad time. You can't help feeling guilty over something you cannot control. It sucks when you love going out, love seeing your friends but you can't, simply because you'd hate being there having to force a conversation and pretend like it doesn't exhaust your mind and body. Spending time with the same person again and again for a week straight 24/7 makes you uncomfortable and want to run away. Sometimes you go missing for weeks and don't reply to people's text unless necessary, refusing to talk more than three words to people and you feel bad about it. Meeting new people is hard. Having to form new relationships are the hardest. It's tiring. Certain people think you're just obnoxious, selfish, arrogant, I've heard it all. People often assume introverts in general hate people. No, some really love people and most enjoy social events and gatherings to some extend. It just sucks that your life is limited to these battery like shit where you ran out of power faster than the average person and takes longer time to recharge it back full.
It sucks it just sucks all around.
hi, since I can't fall asleep right now I figured why not. These are not by any means lullabies, just a compilation of songs I sometimes love to listen to before sleep or to relax. It's just chill and soft ballads most of the time. I'll post youtube links and spotify links too if I can find them. Some of these are only on soundcloud, so I apologise in advance if that's not your preferred platform.
- Blue Side – Jhope [spotify]
- 4 o'clock – RM&V [soundcloud]
- Nap of a star – TXT [spotify]
- Butterfly (prologue mix) – BTS [spotify]
- Holiday – MoonMoon [spotify]
- Museum – MoonMoon [spotify]
- The good side – Troye Sivan [spotify]
- Nana – The 1975 [spotify]
- Malibu Nights – LANY [youtube | spotify]
- Scenery – Taehyung [soundcloud]
- Tokyo – RM [spotify]
- Song request (ft. SUGA) – Lee Sora [youtube | spotify]
- Hericane – LANY [spotify]
- OUTRO: Crack – BTS [spotify]
- You, clouds, rain (ft. Shin Yong Jae) – HEIZE [youtube | spotify]
- Only Then – JK cover [soundcloud]
- In front of the post office in autumn – JIN cover [soundcloud]
- Japanese denim – Daniel Caesar [spotify]
- If you – BIGBANG [spotify]
- Can't help falling in love – Haley Reinhart [spotify]
- Forget me not – HONNE [spotify]
Good night!
recently I find that I love making lists, so here's another one yay
- Donate more – I've recently found the satisfaction in donating stuff I love, it's a little sad at first but then you feel like a weight has been lifted off of you, literally.
- Lessen my attachment to material things – I'm a sentimental person I keep everything, EVERYTHING. I'm trying to slowly let things go. My books for example. Never would've thought I'd sell them or give them away but here I am today with a whole box of books to sell and donate (visit my carousell: @pinkskiesblueocean for preloved books)
- Be a smart consumer – I've starting to differentiate what brand/product deserve my support and what don't. There are so many out there and I'm choosing ones that align with my beliefs and what I stand for. A lipstick is just a lipstick until you see what principle they uphold in their company.
- Avoid unnecessary purchase – I've learned this the hard way. Buying unnecessary things doesn't just affect me it's bigger than that. I can't do much on my own but I'll do whatever I can.
- Be more environmentally conscious – working on this, it's a lot harder in Malaysia than it was in the UK sigh
- Join a reading challenge again – yay I'm doing 50 books this year (fan fictions excluded sadly) I'll keep y'all posted about this
- Land my first real job – hopefully some time this year
- Write more – I think every year, I'll say this. I didn't write more than my average word count in 2018, so far 2017 has been leading. I'd say because I was busy with finishing my final project but then again I spent the last few months of 2018 being a hermit so there's no excuse to be honest.
- Express myself better – this is such a hard thing for me, but I'll keep trying
- Stop dwelling on things I couldn't change – I need to stop thinking of 'what if's. I need to realise that I'm in charge of how much space a thought takes up in my life and differentiate what's worthy of my time.
A little list I made for when things get a little overwhelming sometimes. Even if one of these things helped, I'm glad it could lessen your burden. Some days, even getting out of bed is an achievement and that's okay. Small steps. Taking a shower and remembering to eat, those little things are sometimes big things. Know that you're not alone and I am proud of you for being able to fight your demons no matter how small you think the action is.
1 – Breathing exercises– inhale, exhale
2 – Remember to eat, maybe drink some tea too if it helps
3 – Listen to your favourite songs
4 – Talk to someone you can trust
5 – Binge watch your favourite tv shows/music videos
6 – Pet a cat/dog
7 – Write yourself a letter
8 – Spend at least half an hour a day under the sun
9 – Take a day off work
10 – Make a list of things you love
11 – Organise a playlist
12 – Take a relaxing warm bath (extra points with bath bombs)
13 – Visit a favourite place
14 – Declutter your wardrobe/makeup collection
15 – Put on makeup
16 – Make a list of things that makes you sad/down and figure out ways to tackle it
17 – Set up a reminder to sleep early
18 – Take some time off social media
19 – Meditate
20 – Pick up a favourite book
21 – Write a little appreciation text to someone you love and value (you can either send it or not)
22 – Take a walk as often as possible if not every day
23 – Surround yourself with the people you love, it's important not to stay alone when you feel like you're not in a great mental state
24 – Try out something new and fun
25 – Put on scented lotion before bed
26 – Listen to the sound of raindrops or flowing river
27 – Do simple exercises whenever you can
28 – Drink plenty of water
29– Paint your nails
30 – Hug a pillow/soft toys or cuddle with your loved ones
Cry if it helps. Cry
