I'm trying to be brave this time, I'm trying to hold on to the hand you reached out to mine. Your fingers are cold from the rain, I'll hold you I'll hold you. Let me be brave for once and don't let go. Let me hold onto this hope a little bit longer, breathe this sacred air a little bit more. I'm trying to be brave, so don't let go and hold my hand. This echo of my heart beating next to yours, I'll remember it forever.
Open wide seas and borderless blue skies, of infinite possibilities and endless dreams. There is calmness in the vast space. To open your eyes and look up and feel insignificant in the grand scheme of things. A lost wandering soul trying to navigate the rush of time and people and memories. Look up, look up, the sky is always there to keep your feet grounded below. And the sea a loyal friend, with its wrecked ships and abandoned vessels it's still a place I'd go back to. Open wide seas and borderless blue skies. Infinite possibilities and endless dreams.
This post is dedicated to the person deserving of everything good the world has to offer.
May is here once again, a whole rotation around the sun. Of rebirth and healing. Of spring blooms and warmth, oh how I've missed spring.
Being 27 feels a little surreal to me. I have never been one to obsess about the future or have solid expectations of where I'd be at certain age but being 27 whoa who would've thought. Life feels like it's just starting for me. I'm still learning to navigate through my emotions and feelings (yes it's still a long ongoing tedious process) amidst adulthood. It's funny to think when I was younger 27 meant being a real adult but now that I'm 27 what's even an adult? A question I ask every passing birthday I guess.
If you ask me how I'm doing right now? I'd say I'm doing okay, good even. Most of my time are occupied with work and then consuming media that interests me. Though I must admit there are times when I feel helpless, empty, these feelings are not unfamiliar to me. They come and go, not as often as it used to but often enough that I'm actively looking for ways to get out of this endless cycle. But despite that, I still think I'm doing relatively good mentally. Career wise, things are moving for me. It's gonna be a year soon and it has honestly been an experience. Working with kids in this field specifically too, opened my eyes to a lot of things. I've learned a lot in this short time and I hope to be able to continue to equip myself with amazing knowledge in the future as well. It's a tough job, so I always need to remind myself why I'm doing this. It's so crazy where life takes you.
I'm still taking life one day at a time. I didn't think I changed a lot since the past year but after a lot of reflection I'm actually not the same person as I was and maybe that's a good thing as well. Manifesting a lot of good things my way this month and hopefully for the upcoming months too. Being 27 feels a little crazy to me, seeing my friends get married, bought a house and some quit their jobs and prioritising their mental health. We're all living and surviving in each of our own capacity, at our own pace. Though I will admit there's a still a sense of societal pressure reaching a certain age but I'm glad to be surrounded by supportive people around me. I'm always inspired by my circle of friends and my family to always be a better person, the best version of myself and I'm forever grateful. Looking back, I've lived a good life despite my lowest days or a horrible year, I've lived it and I'm here right now so that must've count for something right? I used to dread turning 30 like whenever I think of it I'll get so depressed and I feel like I'm running out of time. Time for what? I don't even know, it's not like I have some grand plan I gotta execute before I turn 30 I don't even know what I was so afraid of. It has been a little easier to welcome my birthdays now.
I love birthdays, it's a time for me to look back how was my year and revisit my new year resolutions, if there's any. I love my birthday, I love May, the month of spring, rebirth and reset. May May always bring you blooms and sunshine all year long.
hi
Wow I haven't been on this space in so long, I hope everyone's doing well. A little life update (a lot actually haha)
I've moved to a different state. I've gotten a new permanent job. I can drive a fucking car now!!
Kinda crazy but also kinda exciting to feel like life is moving again for me. It's been a month and I've been adjusting well. A friend said to me once that I'm good at adapting to new places / situations and at the time I'm like eh idk i think im just okay – because I think everyone knows how introverted I am and I'm bad with new people in general so it's harder for me to break out of that "first impression persona" I call it lmao. But things at work is not as bad as I expected it to be, so I'm really glad for that.
Work was tough but it's kinda fun, I do and encounter new things everyday. I live for routine and I think it's one of my comfort even though it can be stifling sometimes but this new work requires me to be different every single day. It's a challenge and I'm still learning new stuff every day. It's tiring as all work is, and my body is still adjusting to the physical aspect of it. Hopefully in the coming months I'm more comfortable in my role and more confident in handling things.
These days, I'm living life one day at a time and I find it easier for me to navigate and get through my days. I hope everyone is doing well too, and is coping life with any way that works for you. Till next time!
Hi,
It seems I only come on here whenever I'm in a bad headspace. It's a shame when I used to love writing here when I'm happy. I've been feeling empty lately, like I'm not really living. The days pass by and I'm rooted in one place unable to move. I cannot decipher my feelings anymore. I thought I've come to learn and identify my emotions but apparently it's a lot harder than I expected. It happens, bad days happen. But it's so hard to look forward to tomorrow when you know nothing awaits you. Maybe I need to make one of those lists again, the things I'm grateful for, I haven't done that yet in 2021.
Life feels so bleak to me. I wanna do something I love again, something that makes me feel alive. I talked to some friends and funny enough they all asked me the same question,
"What do you actually enjoy doing?"
It breaks my heart that I do not have a definite answer for that. What do I actually enjoy doing now? What do I look forward to? The things I used to love all seems to be slipping through my fingers. They no longer bring me joy or comfort, sometimes it feels like a chore. As we cruise through life, it's normal that our interests change. To grow out of certain hobbies, to let go of certain pastime but then what if nothing new comes? Nothing sparks that fire inside you again? I've missed the thrill of being interested in something.
I've never dreamed of big things. Living a quite and fulfilling life is fine for me, as long as I'm content, doing the things I love. But now I no longer know what they are? What am I supposed to do? It's a weird phase right now, at this age it's very confusing you're still discovering life. Unlearning and relearning yourself does that to you but I can't help feeling so helpless and empty. I've always told myself to find happiness in the little things. To see the most mundane of life as little specks of happiness, then you will learn to appreciate galaxies and a whole new universe but even that feels so exhausting right now. I hope tomorrow's sunrise brings me calmness, body and mind.
Heart made of a thousand folded paper planes, each a love letter written for you. It's a language we both knew so well. Something sacred we once shared. People often talk about soulmates, of a connection that feels almost cosmic. You've always known me best, I wonder if you still do. I wonder if people know soulmates don't exist.
I hope tomorrow or sometime in the future if I see this, I want you to know that your bad days don't last. This feeling will eventually pass and you won't even remember that one night in June that felt like hell. But for now, your feelings are valid. It's hard right now, it feels like there won't be a tomorrow. Writing this helps, practising your breathing helps. You are always in control of your life, no matter how many times you feel like you're lost and the wheels are turning the other way, you will always gain back control. It doesn't matter if the track has changed, you still get to decide where you're going and how you're gonna reach there. Good luck future me! Hopefully, you don't have days as bad as this often.
Paint me yellow, bright and glimmering in the sun. Yellow like daffodils in spring. Paint me yellow, with streaks of sunlight on my skin. There is a kind of stillness in the air you breathe, in the songs you sing to me sometimes. The world seems so unreachable from where we are. Just two souls orbiting each other’s axis. The sun rises and sets again, yellow. I let you paint my nails, yellow. The pages of poetry we read to each other, yellow. If love is a colour, ours would be yellow. It glows like the morning sun. Soft like a lady dancing so gracefully in her pretty sundress. Soft, just like your hand in mine on days where the moon shines the brightest. Flowers in my hair, you twirl me around and around and the world disappears. With sunset in the horizon and your hand in mine, I thought to myself, 'this is it, this love will stay with me forever'.
Now that I’m a little older, I wonder why my younger self was filled with so much anger. I remember being irritated and angry at the pettiest things and honestly it messed with my energy a lot. It made me unsettled and always ready to strike. As if, everything and anything could tick me off any minute. I’m not a confrontational person, but I still harbour those angry feelings even if I kept it to myself. And it’s the stupidest thing. Now looking back, it was so dumb and so emotionally tiring. I’ve learned to pick my battles and not be so bitter at everything, especially things I couldn’t change. It felt freeing to not hold onto those negative energy anymore.
Now, I always ask myself every time I’m upset. Why am I feeling like this? Is it justifiable? What can I do to fix it? What can I change? I sit back and reevaluate what I feel and I’ve found that by doing so I minimised my outbursts or unnecessary complaints. Of course, it still happens, but I can control it better now. I hate it whenever I’m angry. It makes me upset and when I’m upset I’ll put a damper on other people’s mood too. There’s just so much negative energy going on. Anger is so volatile, often it makes people irrational. I've made so many stupid decisions and said a lot of hurtful things when I was angry, and I hate myself for it. I'm learning to not be so angry at the world anymore. Nothing is ever fair out there and if I spend my whole life being angry at everything, imagine how miserable I'd be. I'm learning to differentiate what's worth it and what's not. To be comfortable in acknowledging my feelings and understanding them better.
I know a lot of people have issues with their anger and I hope someday you will find that middle ground that works for you. I'm not saying to turn a blind eye on everything but it's time you learn to pick your battles. I think managing your anger is something everyone goes through. It's not something to achieve but rather worked through as we go. This is a reminder for myself more than anything.
Hi,
I'm writing this just a little past midnight on my birthday. If this is posted, it'll be my first post on this blog this year. I haven't been on here in so long it feels a little awkward doing this, but I wanna keep this blog up. I've been writing on here since 2012, that's 8 years. Isn't it crazy how time works? You feel like it's stretched out so long, other times you wonder where it went. In between those moments, we've all changed. We grow and we lived, and throughout all that I've always had this blog with me. This is the closest thing to a journal I've ever had. Back in high school, I used to write diaries. I still have them I think. Countless books filled with littering song lyrics and bits and pieces of that naive teenage girl I was back then. Life was so simple, I wish 15 year old Nadia knew that.
I'm 25 now and I'm still learning about myself everyday. When I was young, I imagined 25 year old Nadia would be married, have a stable life, an adult. Basically nothing like where I am right now. But I'm not sad about it. My views on marriage has changed and it'll probably change again in the next few years. Maybe in the future I'll read this again and laugh at how stupid 25 year old me was. For now I'm grateful for everything I have.
My life is far from perfect, I still have things I need to do and want to do. 2020 might be a glitch in the system but our life is not, it's still ongoing and our time is still ticking. May always feels like half of the year has gone by, at least for me. My birthday has always been a reflection of what I've done for the past half of the year. Nothing much changed, but that's okay too. I might not have a lifetime to live, but if I wake up tomorrow I'm grateful to be given another day. I know most of us are going through tough times right now. With everything that's going on I hope we're all a little kinder, to other people and to ourselves!
Happy birthday to me, and I'm wishing everyone a great ending, let's kick 2020's butt!
There are days when sadness arrives, unannounced and quiet. It knocks on my door, with scraped hands and torn out nails. I find myself opening my door every single time. Made them tea and maybe invite them for a little cuddle, warm blankets, and pillows. On those days, I disappear. My only company is my guest. Sadness doesn't ask questions, they wrapped me up in their arms and lulled me to sleep. Days after days sadness doesn't leave. I can't remember the last time I picked up pen and paper and just write. Write about sadness, about love, about hope and longing. Maybe sadness is here to remind me that it's okay to cry sometimes in the quiet of your bed, it's okay to want, maybe sadness is telling me to not forget. I have long left the pieces of me in the things scattered around my room. Pieces of me in the book I never finished, or that postcard I never got the chance to send, the reflection in the mirror that I no longer recognise. Sadness comes unannounced, but never unwelcome.
–a little something from #syfqhndiahwrites on twitter with some minor correction. it's a piece i always revisit whenever i feel sad and under the weather. posting this here in conjunction with World Mental Health day, a reminder that the first step towards a better mental health is to acknowledge your feelings.
–a little something from #syfqhndiahwrites on twitter with some minor correction. it's a piece i always revisit whenever i feel sad and under the weather. posting this here in conjunction with World Mental Health day, a reminder that the first step towards a better mental health is to acknowledge your feelings.
