Sophrosyne

I did a thread on twitter on the my best memories of 2017 and I figured why not do it here too with a little tweak, so here's my 2017's worst memories/things that have happened to me during the course of the year in no particular order. Let's see which one outweighs the other.

1. I lost my grandfather to cancer
2. I drifted away from some people
3. Basically everything that's got to do with dealing with my landlady and our rented house
4. MARA cut off my allowance 
5. I still have no clue about my future
6. I hated myself for the things I couldn't change
7. I let people project their feelings and expectations onto me
8. I've lost so much weight I think I'm sick
9. I cried a lot this year (surprisingly more than 2014)
10. I wasted so much money on unnecessary things
11. I'm back to not wanting to talk to people and wallowing in sadness for days sometimes weeks
12. People I trusted lied to me
13. Jonghyun's death
14. I didn't read as much as I used to
15. I stopped doing the things I liked
16. I'm in a very long writing slump, I hate everything I write
17. I didn't go out to see sunsets as much I used to anymore
18. Toxic people
19. I drifted away from God
20. I didn't keep in contact with my parents that often
21. Growing up
22. Still haven't learn to talk to people about my problems
23. Didn't spend as much time with myself
24. Too busy attending to other people and forgetting to take care of myself
25. I expected people to love me the way I love them but wow when will you learn Nadiah :')

She isn't lovely like daffodils blooming on a cold December, none of that miracle and magic just waiting to happen around the corner. She's not easy but she is simple, but still so lovely. I find her lovely in the way she holds my hand, walking downtown. She didn't have fireworks in her skin but touch as soft as bubbles at sea. She is everything I am not and everything I wanted. There is nothing poetic about the way she loves me but I love every bit of it. She is lovely in the way that's not demanding, always a constant reminder but never harsh. She is lovely in the way she calls herself mine.

This is a story of what if and what could've been. Two hearts beating as one but never in the same rhythm. Two shadows intertwining and all you can see is one big unreachable void. Two souls dancing and twirling, almost touching but somehow always missing each other.

We grew up to be the person we are today. Meeting and missing, a constant thing in our lives. I didn't grew up with you holding my hand but sometimes, you knocked on my door asking if I'd like to hangout when Christmas break started. We didn't wish each other happy birthday but I've received a letter once and two birthday cards. A few years later I called on your birthday. I'm not sure if you remember. 25 years down the road and we've been a perpetual buzz in each other's life, existing but not always present. Changing but at the same time unvarying.

Do you remember that one summer when we were 16. You took me to the beach and we spent the whole day eating ice cream until our stomach hurts. I didn't remember telling you how I love the ocean but it's you, of course you'd knew. I wonder if you still remember. We went on a ferris wheel ride. You told me you've never been on one and we spent the whole ride making up scenarios for random people we saw from above. That day, I learned to measure my life in laughters.

Growing up, I've received so much love from everyone around me, I hope I've loved enough in return. Family, friends, the people that matters. I hope I'm loving enough I hope I'm giving enough. Amidst the love I've received, yours is something I treasure most. You loving me is the constant reminder that despite anything, we're still in each other's life. You loving me is comforting. Your love doesn't ask reciprocation, your love is endless and drowning.

No matter what path we took, we've always found our way back to each other. I hope we still do because lately I've been missing you a little too much. These days I realise I've been measuring my life in the rising and setting of the sun. I've spent too many sunrises alone since the last time we talked and purple have always been your favourite colour.

Yesterday, I linked Sarah Kay's Table Games to a friend. She was asking for inspiration to write and I happened to really really like this piece from Sarah and this poetry, at different points of my life have inspired a few of my writing. So I gave her the link on her ccat and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning to a whole paragraph of her replying to me. I love that she loved it, I love that she appreciates the little message most people often miss.

I found that this piece has become one of my favourite because of how realistic the story Sarah is trying to convey. People often imagine breakups as this one satisfying scenario, maybe a slap to the face and angry shattering heartbreaks. Even when you're the one being dumped, people imagine tear-stained cheeks, smudged eyeliners and red eyes. Most often than not breakups are simple. It's not one grand scenario, but rather a slow simmer of falling out of love. Most of the time, you can almost feel what's coming your way, a sort of epiphany before the grand revelation. One of the things my friend said in her reply that really tugged my heart is that we imagine walking out of any kind relationship ending with our pride intact but really isn't it more to a soft kind of ending? Nobody notices, nobody bats an eye and you're stuck saying things you didn't mean, words often misused and misunderstood to disguise the hurt and pain we felt at the moment. Endings are always so painful despite knowing, even more painful when it's so sudden. And I think Sarah did a great job conveying that in her poetry. It's realistic and so raw. It could happen right before your eyes and you wouldn't notice.

You had flowers in your hands and a whole universe in your eyes. I bid you farewell, you are in a better place. You showed me loving doesn't always mean money spent and but rather time invested. I love you. You have been there since the beginning and I am a bit taken aback that you will no longer be with me for the rest of my journey. I bid you farewell albeit a little too late but I've always dealt with loss in a peculiar way.
I loved you. I love you.

1. The taste of food after you've been starving for quite  some time
2. The smell of freshly washed laundry
3. Hugs, the kind that tell you how much the person misses you
4. When you laugh until your stomach hurts
5. Lying on your own bed after a tiring day
6. Warm and fluffy socks on cold days
7. Seeing your best friend smile
8. Eating ice cream for breakfast
9. Snuggling in bed with your cat
10. A cold shower on a hot summer day
11. Changing into your pjs 
12. Sleeping with no pants on
13. The smell of freshly baked cookies
14. The long walk home on a sunny day
15. The smell of the sea
16. A favourite song
17. A stray cat stopping by to say hi
18. When a stranger returns your smile
19. Iced coffee (all season, especially winter)
20. Waking up 10 minutes before your alarm goes off
21. The smell of books
22. Soft sweaters
23. Watching people walking their dogs
24. Write
25. Taking off your makeup at the end of the day
26.  Hushed conversation and whispered secrets in the dark
27. The morning rays on a Sunday
28. Breakfast at midnight
29. Walking barefooted on the grass
30. A perfect winged eyeliner
31. Singing in the shower
32. Going to the park
33. Buying yourself birthday presents
34. Concerts
35. Random calls from people you haven't talked in a while
36. Random museum date/tour
37. Soft plushies and teddy bears
38. Going to your favourite sports game
39. Sleeping before your usual bed time
40. Cooking your favourite dish
41. Learning a new language
42. Take a good picture of yourself
43. Reread your favourite books
44. Buy a friend coffee
45. Wear your favourite jacket
46. Calling home
47. Postcards
48. Enamel pins
49. The colour of the sky at sunset/sunrise
50. Waking up breathing, alive

It's 6pm on a Tuesday. I'm sitting on the old brown couch in the living room, with slow songs softly playing from Eizza's laptop. My housemates are cooking for dinner and this is our first proper dinner since everyone got back in the UK, our first proper dinner after our house is all cleared up and tidied, our first dinner which doesn't consist of lazy fried rice or plain rice with scrambled eggs. It's nice.

The world stops the moment my feet touched damp sand, drowned in the sound of waves kissing my toes, my shoes soaked wet. It's uncomfortable but so nice. The sparkling shades of blue and green stretched in front of me, as far as eyes can see as far as I want it to be. And a sense of worthlessness wash over me. It's so easy to forget your worries when you feel so little so insignificant to the world, the sea does that to you. The sea makes you forget. A kind of drug to numb your pain away, comforting. The sea makes you forget. And forget you will, again and again until it's addictive, until it's done more damage than good. It started with ankle buried deep in salty murky water to barely gasping for air and all you can see is black, a soft blanket of waves drawing you in with the promise of a calm storm.