I'm seriously exploring my limits. Doing things out of my comfort zone. I would like to share it here but I don't think it's an appropriate audience. I'm excited nonetheless!
The little things that made you, you. And honestly, I wouldn't change it any other way.
4. Polar opposite.
It's very disturbing that we're so different. You're like a glittering night sky while I on the other hand, a clear cloudless afternoon. We like different things, we listen to different genres of song. You write when you're sad and mellow, and I can only vomit words when I'm happy and jumping on cloud nine. We're like two sides of the same coin. Different but always in each other's need. It's amazing how throughout the years, only recently we started to discover our similarities and differences. Distance really did bring us closer. Despite being an almost contradiction of ourselves I'm always grateful how we fit so well with each other. Thank you for putting up with my weird ass, who sometimes would go MIA for a good few weeks and not talk to you. Thank you for understanding how I'm such a closed off person, I rarely open up to people and you're one of the few that cracked me open even just a little. Thank you for always being the one talking, when we're Facetime-ing sometimes for a solid 5 hour because I prefer listening than talking. Thank you for being the sister I never had.
To my one and only Izz, happy birthday. The little things that made you, you. I love every bit of it no matter how weird and peculiar. We all have our little queer side to ourselves. I feel like I'm writing a love letter oh wow if I have a boyfriend you'd definitely be number one on his list of people to be jealous of, so please feel honoured (let's all pretend I have a boyfriend for a sec ok). Happy 21st birthday you silly little bub. Just know that a lot of people love you, sometimes the little things they did speaks for them. Always remember you're loved by many. Give yourself some credit.
1. You're so different, do you realise this.
A good kind of different. Like a fresh breath of air on a warm summer night, refreshing. You don't see the world like everyone else. I would love to see the world through your eyes, to have a glimpse of a whole new universe that I have yet to grasp. Through the years, you've helped me a lot in exploring myself and my thoughts, as well as how I see everything around me. There's always traces of you in everything I see now. I see you in rainy days and gloomy weather. I see you in the coffee I bought at Starbucks. I see you in an old vintage bookstore. I see you in the booth selling bracelet and rings at the fair. And I guess it's a bad thing because it makes me miss you more :(
A good kind of different. Like a fresh breath of air on a warm summer night, refreshing. You don't see the world like everyone else. I would love to see the world through your eyes, to have a glimpse of a whole new universe that I have yet to grasp. Through the years, you've helped me a lot in exploring myself and my thoughts, as well as how I see everything around me. There's always traces of you in everything I see now. I see you in rainy days and gloomy weather. I see you in the coffee I bought at Starbucks. I see you in an old vintage bookstore. I see you in the booth selling bracelet and rings at the fair. And I guess it's a bad thing because it makes me miss you more :(
2. I know sometimes you hate this, but you're a thinker.
Yes, sometimes you think too much but I find that very unique of you. Every step and decision is well measured and thought of, a total opposite of me. You hate how you can't help but stress over something you know you shouldn't, when your brain keeps on throwing 'what if's and making your life ten times harder. I know, I've been with you through it all and I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry. You should be proud of yourself on where you are now considering the things you've been through. I know you didn't come out of it unscathed, and you're still healing. Take your time because I will be there along the way regardless.
Yes, sometimes you think too much but I find that very unique of you. Every step and decision is well measured and thought of, a total opposite of me. You hate how you can't help but stress over something you know you shouldn't, when your brain keeps on throwing 'what if's and making your life ten times harder. I know, I've been with you through it all and I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry. You should be proud of yourself on where you are now considering the things you've been through. I know you didn't come out of it unscathed, and you're still healing. Take your time because I will be there along the way regardless.
3. I love how you can express yourself freely. You said things that crosses your mind and you're not afraid to voice your thoughts on things. I find it very intriguing that you're able to open up and talk about things that bother you or things that piqued your curiosity. What I envy most is how you could strip all your emotions bare and be naked with your feelings around your closest company. Opening up your heart is not something easy (at least for me) and I feel very honoured to have been the one to witness your laughs and tears throughout the years. I hope you stay the way you are but at the same time keep on climbing to a better Izz. To many more years of finding ourselves and making peace with the demons living inside us.
4. Polar opposite.
It's very disturbing that we're so different. You're like a glittering night sky while I on the other hand, a clear cloudless afternoon. We like different things, we listen to different genres of song. You write when you're sad and mellow, and I can only vomit words when I'm happy and jumping on cloud nine. We're like two sides of the same coin. Different but always in each other's need. It's amazing how throughout the years, only recently we started to discover our similarities and differences. Distance really did bring us closer. Despite being an almost contradiction of ourselves I'm always grateful how we fit so well with each other. Thank you for putting up with my weird ass, who sometimes would go MIA for a good few weeks and not talk to you. Thank you for understanding how I'm such a closed off person, I rarely open up to people and you're one of the few that cracked me open even just a little. Thank you for always being the one talking, when we're Facetime-ing sometimes for a solid 5 hour because I prefer listening than talking. Thank you for being the sister I never had.
To my one and only Izz, happy birthday. The little things that made you, you. I love every bit of it no matter how weird and peculiar. We all have our little queer side to ourselves. I feel like I'm writing a love letter oh wow if I have a boyfriend you'd definitely be number one on his list of people to be jealous of, so please feel honoured (let's all pretend I have a boyfriend for a sec ok). Happy 21st birthday you silly little bub. Just know that a lot of people love you, sometimes the little things they did speaks for them. Always remember you're loved by many. Give yourself some credit.
xx
Hi,
I know, I've been missing and not updating. Well, life happens. School already started two weeks ago and I'm so busy right now. Just dropping by to casually drop THIS here. My boys just dropped a bomb ass MV I'm still shook, just thought I'd share with you guys. I can't write what I felt here it's too much and I don't think words could do the job so feel free to check it out, along with their entire album which you can get on Itunes, legally.
I know, I've been missing and not updating. Well, life happens. School already started two weeks ago and I'm so busy right now. Just dropping by to casually drop THIS here. My boys just dropped a bomb ass MV I'm still shook, just thought I'd share with you guys. I can't write what I felt here it's too much and I don't think words could do the job so feel free to check it out, along with their entire album which you can get on Itunes, legally.
He had his fingers in her hair, fingertips untangling strands of hair and felt her leaning against the palm of his hand. She smelt nice, like strawberry and peach, soft. Just like her. She looked so soft and pretty in the morning with her lips slightly parted and her long lashes a contrast against her glowing skin. The morning light bathing over her figure, making her glistens and he almost believe that this was all a dream, but it's not. It's real. She's real, alive and in his arms. Her slow breathing tells him she's still fast asleep. All the worry wiped clean. He swiftly wrapped his arms around her and pulled closer. He can feel the tickling sensation of her breath on the crook of his neck, where she buries her face comfortably, mumbling something intangible in her sleep. A smile slowly crept on his still sleepy face, and he's already half grinning when he caught himself smiling. His fingers find hers almost on instinct and intertwine them, firm. It's okay. They're both free from everything weighing them down today. Just for today, it's okay. Just for today, everything's okay.
I was talking with Anas earlier and out of the blue marriage came up. Today, the thought of marriage crossed my mind a lot. Not in a good way, not exactly. Rather, I thought about how would the people around me welcome the idea of me, not getting married.
I was walking home from town this evening and it suddenly crossed my mind. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 8 years? I have so many things I would list out and so many things I wanna do before I reach the age of 30 and it struck me that marriage is not one of them. It's not even at the bottom of the list, it's nonexistent. I am somehow scared. I'm not really the type of person that cares about what people think of me but this particular issue worries me. It's not that I don't want to get married, but I'm scared of it. I'm scared of the idea of marriage, the gist of it, everything. Basically marriage scares me. Growing up scares me.
Long gone the 16 year old girl who dreams of getting married to her boyfriend and lead a happy life. Because lets be real, those stories only exist in the square box of flickering animations and pages of tear stained romance novel, and even those don't always end with happily ever after. I'm scared of maintaining relationships, I'm scared of communication. I'm scared of the things I'd have to live with, the choices I'd make. I have seen so many broken families because love alone would never be enough. The responsibilities that comes with it, often tears you down if not handled carefully.
I told Anas I'm scared. He said he's scared too. But he's a guy, society doesn't care if he's not married by the age of 30, but me on the other hand have to deal with the whispers around me. Maybe, I just haven't found the one? Who knows. Marriage is so complicated. You don't just marry your husband. His family comes as a package and it's inevitable. That scares me most. I hate when people have expectations on me. Expect me to be the perfect daughter, the perfect mother. At this point, I don't even know if I wanna be a mother, at least not yet. Can his family accept that? Can my family accept that? Oh god I hope my mom won't read this post.
This may seem childish to some people. Some would say I'm irresponsible, immature, ridiculous. But I swear to God if I'm forced into a marriage anytime soon, I'd flee the country. Actually, this says more about me rather than marriage itself. How I'm so lacking in so many aspect of being a wife, a mother even more. I know I should probably somehow mould myself to be more responsible, more mature and compromising. But I too realise, that I should change and be a better person because of me, because I want to, rather than to please others or attract a future spouse. I don't know how I develop this fear, because my past relationship is not really a complete disaster but it ended nevertheless.
I guess that happens, after 6 years of being with the same person, trust doesn't come that easily anymore.
I was walking home from town this evening and it suddenly crossed my mind. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 8 years? I have so many things I would list out and so many things I wanna do before I reach the age of 30 and it struck me that marriage is not one of them. It's not even at the bottom of the list, it's nonexistent. I am somehow scared. I'm not really the type of person that cares about what people think of me but this particular issue worries me. It's not that I don't want to get married, but I'm scared of it. I'm scared of the idea of marriage, the gist of it, everything. Basically marriage scares me. Growing up scares me.
Long gone the 16 year old girl who dreams of getting married to her boyfriend and lead a happy life. Because lets be real, those stories only exist in the square box of flickering animations and pages of tear stained romance novel, and even those don't always end with happily ever after. I'm scared of maintaining relationships, I'm scared of communication. I'm scared of the things I'd have to live with, the choices I'd make. I have seen so many broken families because love alone would never be enough. The responsibilities that comes with it, often tears you down if not handled carefully.
I told Anas I'm scared. He said he's scared too. But he's a guy, society doesn't care if he's not married by the age of 30, but me on the other hand have to deal with the whispers around me. Maybe, I just haven't found the one? Who knows. Marriage is so complicated. You don't just marry your husband. His family comes as a package and it's inevitable. That scares me most. I hate when people have expectations on me. Expect me to be the perfect daughter, the perfect mother. At this point, I don't even know if I wanna be a mother, at least not yet. Can his family accept that? Can my family accept that? Oh god I hope my mom won't read this post.
This may seem childish to some people. Some would say I'm irresponsible, immature, ridiculous. But I swear to God if I'm forced into a marriage anytime soon, I'd flee the country. Actually, this says more about me rather than marriage itself. How I'm so lacking in so many aspect of being a wife, a mother even more. I know I should probably somehow mould myself to be more responsible, more mature and compromising. But I too realise, that I should change and be a better person because of me, because I want to, rather than to please others or attract a future spouse. I don't know how I develop this fear, because my past relationship is not really a complete disaster but it ended nevertheless.
I guess that happens, after 6 years of being with the same person, trust doesn't come that easily anymore.
it was sunsets that taught me that beauty sometimes only lasts for a couple of moments, and it was sunrises that showed me that all it takes is patience to experience it all over again
a.j. lawless
a.j. lawless
I had a semi-productive day today, if I must say. I went out to have breakfast, the classic way any other British people would define breakfast; poached eggs, with smoked salmon and savoury scones and hollandaise sauce on the side. This is one of the things I'd definitely miss when I leave the country to be honest. If in Malaysia, my fancy breakfast would be nasi lemak or roti canai, here it'd be this. I took my time, enjoying my tea after breakfast and finally head out to go wandering around town.
As expected, I find myself slumped in the corner of the fiction section in Waterstones. My favourite place to just laze around browsing books and well, observe people. It's interesting to see the type of books people choose and often I play this little game in my head where I'd try to guess what type of book a person would choose or what section they'd go to first as soon as they set foot in the store. And I often fail at my own game. It's hard actually because well, you can't really judge a book by its cover right and same goes to people.
I spent two whole hours if not more picking up books from shelves but end up putting them back up. I've been a lot more choosy in my readings lately because I felt like every book basically have the same storyline, it's no longer interesting. Plus, the book I'm looking for is not available in store yet, so devastated. So I just went with my guts and pick one, heading to pay before I can change my mind.
I walked around town a bit more, thinking of getting ice-cream but I'm still quite full from my lavish breakfast I had earlier so I decided against it. On my way home, I stopped by the small park in front of the city hall. I had no intention to stay whatsoever but ended up spending three hours under the baby blue sky with my back on the yellowish grass and the sun in my face.
I could say finally I kinda understand why people like sun-bathing or the sun in general. The feeling of the sun, blazing hot and scorching felt nice, in a way. I hated hot weather back in Malaysia. Okay hate is a strong word, but I definitely didn't like spending my days all wet and sticky with sweat. And now, after almost a year deprived of the heat, I have to admit I love it. The things we take for granted when it's always there, this is one prime example. And not to mention, the park was nice and quiet even though benches in the circular area was packed with people playing pokemon go.
I was planning on spending my time reading the book I just bought but I was never one to start reading a book in the open. I can however, if I'm already halfway deep into the book; in my elements, you can literally talk to my face but I won't hear a thing. Trying to start a new book, I need closed space, just me and my new little adventure in hand. So I ended up watching people, watching the leaves ruffle, watching seagulls fly back and forth, watching a little girl playing with her brother, watching an elderly couple having a picnic, watching a homeless man sleep under the shade of a tree, watching the cloudless sky. I felt lighter. For a moment my mind felt empty except for what my eyes projected into the back of my brain.
Everyone looked so happy around me. Their smiles so honest and I felt I'm being handed pieces of everyone when I see them smile. Even for just that short moment, I believe that these people around me truly feel happy. They might hate their job, or were troubled by unfinished summer assignments, some might even just be waiting to get into college after the summer, all nervous and jittery but right at that moment all I can see is pure happiness. For that short moment, they're happy. And it just struck too close to home. This is what I've been looking for, this is what I've been searching in my impromptu adventures and how ironic I found it in my own town, literally 10 minutes away from home. My heart swells and burst at how content everyone looked, and I can't help but feel a surge of bliss washing over me. It's not just happiness, I found love too.
I found love when I saw a group of friends, high school kids probably, playing together and not on their phones. I found love watching a toddler just learning to walk with her parents on either side of her, holding her hands and whispering words of encouragement. I found love when I see a young lady with her head in her boyfriend's lap eyes never leaving the book at hand, but what she didn't see is the way he looked at her, like she puts the sun in his sky. I found love seeing an elderly couple eating homemade sandwich on a checkered piece of cloth, a definition of true love, maybe? I don't really know but I found love all around me. It's always been around, I just never noticed.
As expected, I find myself slumped in the corner of the fiction section in Waterstones. My favourite place to just laze around browsing books and well, observe people. It's interesting to see the type of books people choose and often I play this little game in my head where I'd try to guess what type of book a person would choose or what section they'd go to first as soon as they set foot in the store. And I often fail at my own game. It's hard actually because well, you can't really judge a book by its cover right and same goes to people.
I spent two whole hours if not more picking up books from shelves but end up putting them back up. I've been a lot more choosy in my readings lately because I felt like every book basically have the same storyline, it's no longer interesting. Plus, the book I'm looking for is not available in store yet, so devastated. So I just went with my guts and pick one, heading to pay before I can change my mind.
I walked around town a bit more, thinking of getting ice-cream but I'm still quite full from my lavish breakfast I had earlier so I decided against it. On my way home, I stopped by the small park in front of the city hall. I had no intention to stay whatsoever but ended up spending three hours under the baby blue sky with my back on the yellowish grass and the sun in my face.
I could say finally I kinda understand why people like sun-bathing or the sun in general. The feeling of the sun, blazing hot and scorching felt nice, in a way. I hated hot weather back in Malaysia. Okay hate is a strong word, but I definitely didn't like spending my days all wet and sticky with sweat. And now, after almost a year deprived of the heat, I have to admit I love it. The things we take for granted when it's always there, this is one prime example. And not to mention, the park was nice and quiet even though benches in the circular area was packed with people playing pokemon go.
I was planning on spending my time reading the book I just bought but I was never one to start reading a book in the open. I can however, if I'm already halfway deep into the book; in my elements, you can literally talk to my face but I won't hear a thing. Trying to start a new book, I need closed space, just me and my new little adventure in hand. So I ended up watching people, watching the leaves ruffle, watching seagulls fly back and forth, watching a little girl playing with her brother, watching an elderly couple having a picnic, watching a homeless man sleep under the shade of a tree, watching the cloudless sky. I felt lighter. For a moment my mind felt empty except for what my eyes projected into the back of my brain.
Everyone looked so happy around me. Their smiles so honest and I felt I'm being handed pieces of everyone when I see them smile. Even for just that short moment, I believe that these people around me truly feel happy. They might hate their job, or were troubled by unfinished summer assignments, some might even just be waiting to get into college after the summer, all nervous and jittery but right at that moment all I can see is pure happiness. For that short moment, they're happy. And it just struck too close to home. This is what I've been looking for, this is what I've been searching in my impromptu adventures and how ironic I found it in my own town, literally 10 minutes away from home. My heart swells and burst at how content everyone looked, and I can't help but feel a surge of bliss washing over me. It's not just happiness, I found love too.
I found love when I saw a group of friends, high school kids probably, playing together and not on their phones. I found love watching a toddler just learning to walk with her parents on either side of her, holding her hands and whispering words of encouragement. I found love when I see a young lady with her head in her boyfriend's lap eyes never leaving the book at hand, but what she didn't see is the way he looked at her, like she puts the sun in his sky. I found love seeing an elderly couple eating homemade sandwich on a checkered piece of cloth, a definition of true love, maybe? I don't really know but I found love all around me. It's always been around, I just never noticed.
P/s: I wrote this yesterday but somehow me being me, I forgot that I actually didn't post this. So yeah, it's not today's story but doesn't make a difference does it? *insert Taehyung's wink face*
Montauk
I am a city girl to my core. the first time my parents took me outside of New York City to visit my uncle in New Jersey, I was standing on the front porch of his lovely suburban home when a fast-moving shadow caused my three-year-old heart to damn near beat out of my chest, and I shouted That's the biggest rat I've ever seen. My uncle calmly responded, That's a cat, sweetie. And I shot back, Oh yeah? Well what's it doing outside then?
My parents figured that there were some things you couldn't learn in New York City. So every summer we migrated to Montauk, Long Island –– the easternmost part of New York State. My father only got two weeks off from work each year, so whenever August rolled around, we packed everything we could into company van and followed that yellow spotted line of highway out until we couldn't go any further.
This is where I learned to swim, where I heard the word shit for the first time from a bunch of surfers down the beach. This is where I learned to ride a bike, swerving around puddles on rainy afternoons. This is where I learned to drive a car in the hardware store parking lot; how to kiss a boy with the sand between my toes.
Time goes to Montauk to take a break. It loosens its belt, takes a seat on the front porch next to my father and his Weber grill. It putters around the kitchen with my mother while she kneads her homemade sourdough bread, and chuckles when it catches her speaking out loud to herself –– telling nobody in particular –– We should roast some peaches tonight. I'll bet oatmeal would be delicious for breakfast tomorrow if we roasted some peaches tonight.
Time stalls in Montauk. I am seven years old. My little brother is three. He splashes in a baby pool, while I brave the full-length Olympic-sized one by myself. Chubby in my one -piece, my thighs brush against each other as I tread water in the shallow end. I look up and see an older girl; perfect in her bikini, tall and tan, and probably on her way to meet her handsome Prince Charming boyfriend.
She glows as she glides past me, tosses her hair like she has all the answers, and I wonder if I will ever be a woman like that. That summer, I learn how to wish on stars.
I am twelve years old. My little brother is eight. He can surf better than I can, and I hate it. I wait until he and all the other surfers are done for the day before paddling my fat sponge of a board out pass the breakers. There is nobody left in the waters. The setting sun makes the ocean glow golden. I tuck my legs up. That summer I learn how to be alone.
I am sixteen. My brother is twelve and at the beach. I am reading magazines on the couch when my mother appears in the living room holding her laptop, the only computer in the house. My brother has downloaded his first porn video, and my mother is trying to decide what should be done about it. That night when I go to check my email, I discovered she has made a new folder on the desktop and labeled it, PK's porn. That summer I learn how to love my parents.
There are some things you cannot learn in New York City. There are places where fishnets do not mean stockings, where the learning happens in between moments, like after a wave passes, and you break the surface gasping for air.
I am twenty-two. The landmarks are the same. The same stretch of beach, same hardware store parking lot. Some of the names changed. The pool hasn't. I make my way to the shallow end and wade slow. In Montauk, I can take my time. I look up to see a little girl, chubby in her one-piece, gripping the wall and watching me enter the water , her eyes the size of summer tomatoes and just as red from all the chlorine-rubbing. I almost speak to her. But before I can, there is a splash behind me. A woman well into her fifties ––chubby in her one-piece––has cannonballed into the deep end. She comes up coughing, flailing, water in her nose. She comes up laughing. The little girl giggles. And me? Well, I am laughing, too.
Montauk. A poem by the lovely and ever so talented Sarah Kay. This poem is included in her book, No Matter the Wreckage, first published in 2014. One of my favourite by Sarah.
Hands, fingers, they all come in different sizes and shapes. I've hold onto hands that are warm, sometimes clammy or just a nice soft tingling against mine. I might have a slight obsession with hands.
I didn't realise this until quite recently, but that actually made sense because I used to remember how my friends' hands felt around mine and how their fingers look, in motion or wrapped around their favourite glass with coffee stains on them. Even back in high school, I recognised my closest friends' fingers and hands. I don't know, it might sound weird to most people but it's true. Like how some people could tell who is who by the way a person walks, I on the other hand recognise their hand gestures.
I remember one friend, who has long slender fingers. When she moves them around, it looks like they're dancing, so graceful and effortlessly poise. Like a ballerina on stage, it moves with precision but also soft. I like her fingers most I think of all the person I've ever hold hands. They're not exactly baby soft, but the callouses on her palms felt comfortable and her grip is somehow reassuring.
I don't know if anybody else notices this but everyone has a unique way of mobilising their fingers and hands. Some look a bit stiff and calculated, others look like they do not have bones beneath those long extensions of joints. Amazing actually. Even when not in motion, static, the way a person's hands and fingers are positioned differently in my eyes.
I have no idea why this minuscule trait caught my eyes, I've never been one into details and shit. I guess I just observe people a lot unconsciously, especially those who are dear to my heart :)
I didn't realise this until quite recently, but that actually made sense because I used to remember how my friends' hands felt around mine and how their fingers look, in motion or wrapped around their favourite glass with coffee stains on them. Even back in high school, I recognised my closest friends' fingers and hands. I don't know, it might sound weird to most people but it's true. Like how some people could tell who is who by the way a person walks, I on the other hand recognise their hand gestures.
I remember one friend, who has long slender fingers. When she moves them around, it looks like they're dancing, so graceful and effortlessly poise. Like a ballerina on stage, it moves with precision but also soft. I like her fingers most I think of all the person I've ever hold hands. They're not exactly baby soft, but the callouses on her palms felt comfortable and her grip is somehow reassuring.
I don't know if anybody else notices this but everyone has a unique way of mobilising their fingers and hands. Some look a bit stiff and calculated, others look like they do not have bones beneath those long extensions of joints. Amazing actually. Even when not in motion, static, the way a person's hands and fingers are positioned differently in my eyes.
I have no idea why this minuscule trait caught my eyes, I've never been one into details and shit. I guess I just observe people a lot unconsciously, especially those who are dear to my heart :)
"I left because I don't deserve her. I've brought nothing but pain in her life and I love her too much to see her get hurt. She deserve the world and everything more. She deserve more than I could offer. I'm not going back, I'm not gonna hurt her anymore," he said with his head buried in his hands.
I've never seen him this disheveled, long gone the glow in his face just a soft smile that didn't reach his eyes.
"Are you fucking serious? Do you hear yourself talking?" I said, a slight anger in my tone, "Let the woman make her own decision for goodness sake. You are in no position to decide what she deserve and what's best for her. Oh my god and I thought she's daft but here you are acting like a walking corpse over a break up neither of you wanted. Why am I friends with you guys again?"
"Because we're the only people who'd willing to tolerate your rotten personality,"he deadpans.
"Cut the sass, I thought you're being miserable right now? One at a time, jeez," a faint smile tugs at the corner of his lips and I am mildly relieved.
"Stop moping around and go get your girl back. Nobody but her should decide who she ends up with. Stop measuring her self worth, she's more than capable to do that herself. She's not freaking 15, and so are you."
He blinked.
"I don't know man. I don't know if I can see her face again after that night. The things I've said, the look on her face. I fucked up," he sighs. "This is not what I had in mind when I asked your advice on how to move on." He looked borderline offended and grateful.
"Well in my defence, you obviously look disgustingly in love with her. I'm just being the nice friend I am. And the last time I bumped into her, she didn't look too great herself. Pretty much a walking corpse like you. Don't live with regret, trust me you don't wanna live with a hole in your heart," I murmured, whispering the last sentence with my eyes never meeting his.
And somehow, in the small space of my heart something crack.
I've never seen him this disheveled, long gone the glow in his face just a soft smile that didn't reach his eyes.
"Are you fucking serious? Do you hear yourself talking?" I said, a slight anger in my tone, "Let the woman make her own decision for goodness sake. You are in no position to decide what she deserve and what's best for her. Oh my god and I thought she's daft but here you are acting like a walking corpse over a break up neither of you wanted. Why am I friends with you guys again?"
"Because we're the only people who'd willing to tolerate your rotten personality,"he deadpans.
"Cut the sass, I thought you're being miserable right now? One at a time, jeez," a faint smile tugs at the corner of his lips and I am mildly relieved.
"Stop moping around and go get your girl back. Nobody but her should decide who she ends up with. Stop measuring her self worth, she's more than capable to do that herself. She's not freaking 15, and so are you."
He blinked.
"I don't know man. I don't know if I can see her face again after that night. The things I've said, the look on her face. I fucked up," he sighs. "This is not what I had in mind when I asked your advice on how to move on." He looked borderline offended and grateful.
"Well in my defence, you obviously look disgustingly in love with her. I'm just being the nice friend I am. And the last time I bumped into her, she didn't look too great herself. Pretty much a walking corpse like you. Don't live with regret, trust me you don't wanna live with a hole in your heart," I murmured, whispering the last sentence with my eyes never meeting his.
And somehow, in the small space of my heart something crack.
It's 6.43pm and here I am looking out to the horizon where the sea meets the sky. I haven't felt this state of tranquility in such a long time. The sun is out, in all its glory, proud and bold in the cloudless sky. The wind is flirty and teasing, kissing my cheeks like a lover's first kiss. Everything feels right. I feel like I belong, my feet in the sand and the salty breeze in my face. I've always loved oceans and seas but this, this is different. It's like falling in love for the first time and today, I remember why I love beaches so much. Maybe I've been deprived of the ocean for so long, which explains this feeling that's washing over me. I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like my heart's just waiting to burst out of pure ecstasy. I've never known it's possible to be so happy and content with just being in the mere presence of salt water and sand granules, and the sun shining over you.
I don't wanna go home. I don't wanna go back to doing nothing in that small city town. I wanna smell like the ocean and have sun kissed skin for all I care. I wanna watch the sun rises and sets by its horizon everyday and bathe in the sound of waves splashing the shore. I don't wanna go home.
It's nice feeling like you're in love with something. Knowing that it'll always be there for you whenever you return. Just like some people, always being there. I know. I know it by heart that even if I crash and burn, these people will always be there, they've always been there. My short trip to the beach today feels like meeting your loved ones after a long separation. That desperate feeling of wanting to absorb everything and anything because you know, they can't stay. They're not here to stay. Trying to touch and feel them as long as you can, every fleeting second counts. I guess I can relate to that so much. These days I've felt so sad and mellow with so much people around me leaving. Graduating, marriage. Those are supposed to be happy things, but I found myself feeling sad for some reason. Having to let go of people in my life. I've always been attached to people, whether I show it or not. Today, the sea reminds me that sometimes those short encounter are so much more meaningful because you learn to appreciate it while it lasts.
I don't wanna go home. I don't wanna go back to doing nothing in that small city town. I wanna smell like the ocean and have sun kissed skin for all I care. I wanna watch the sun rises and sets by its horizon everyday and bathe in the sound of waves splashing the shore. I don't wanna go home.
It's nice feeling like you're in love with something. Knowing that it'll always be there for you whenever you return. Just like some people, always being there. I know. I know it by heart that even if I crash and burn, these people will always be there, they've always been there. My short trip to the beach today feels like meeting your loved ones after a long separation. That desperate feeling of wanting to absorb everything and anything because you know, they can't stay. They're not here to stay. Trying to touch and feel them as long as you can, every fleeting second counts. I guess I can relate to that so much. These days I've felt so sad and mellow with so much people around me leaving. Graduating, marriage. Those are supposed to be happy things, but I found myself feeling sad for some reason. Having to let go of people in my life. I've always been attached to people, whether I show it or not. Today, the sea reminds me that sometimes those short encounter are so much more meaningful because you learn to appreciate it while it lasts.
*pebbles*
This granny is so cute chilling by the beach, reading :)
Literally fell asleep here :/
Hello there, what's your name ;)
