Sophrosyne

I had a semi-productive day today, if I must say. I went out to have breakfast, the classic way any other British people would define breakfast; poached eggs, with smoked salmon and savoury scones and hollandaise sauce on the side. This is one of the things I'd definitely miss when I leave the country to be honest. If in Malaysia, my fancy breakfast would be nasi lemak or roti canai, here it'd be this. I took my time, enjoying my tea after breakfast and finally head out to go wandering around town.

As expected, I find myself slumped in the corner of the fiction section in Waterstones. My favourite place to just laze around browsing books and well, observe people. It's interesting to see the type of books people choose and often I play this little game in my head where I'd try to guess what type of book a person would choose or what section they'd go to first as soon as they set foot in the store. And I often fail at my own game. It's hard actually because well, you can't really judge a book by its cover right and same goes to people.

I spent two whole hours if not more picking up books from shelves but end up putting them back up. I've been a lot more choosy in my readings lately because I felt like every book basically have the same storyline, it's no longer interesting. Plus, the book I'm looking for is not available in store yet, so devastated. So I just went with my guts and pick one, heading to pay before I can change my mind.

I walked around town a bit more, thinking of getting ice-cream but I'm still quite full from my lavish breakfast I had earlier so I decided against it. On my way home, I stopped by the small park in front of the city hall. I had no intention to stay whatsoever but ended up spending three hours under the baby blue sky with my back on the yellowish grass and the sun in my face.

I could say finally I kinda understand why people like sun-bathing or the sun in general. The feeling of the sun, blazing hot and scorching felt nice, in a way. I hated hot weather back in Malaysia. Okay hate is a strong word, but I definitely didn't like spending my days all wet and sticky with sweat. And now, after almost a year deprived of the heat, I have to admit I love it. The things we take for granted when it's always there, this is one prime example. And not to mention, the park was nice and quiet even though benches in the circular area was packed with people playing pokemon go.

I was planning on spending my time reading the book I just bought but I was never one to start reading a book in the open. I can however, if I'm already halfway deep into the book; in my elements, you can literally talk to my face but I won't hear a thing. Trying to start a new book, I need closed space, just me and my new little adventure in hand. So I ended up watching people, watching the leaves ruffle, watching seagulls fly back and forth, watching a little girl playing with her brother, watching an elderly couple having a picnic, watching a homeless man sleep under the shade of a tree, watching the cloudless sky. I felt lighter. For a moment my mind felt empty except for what my eyes projected into the back of my brain.

Everyone looked so happy around me. Their smiles so honest and I felt I'm being handed pieces of everyone when I see them smile. Even for just that short moment, I believe that these people around me truly feel happy. They might hate their job, or were troubled by unfinished summer assignments, some might even just be waiting to get into college after the summer, all nervous and jittery but right at that moment all I can see is pure happiness. For that short moment, they're happy. And it just struck too close to home. This is what I've been looking for, this is what I've been searching in my impromptu adventures and how ironic I found it in my own town, literally 10 minutes away from home. My heart swells and burst at how content everyone looked, and I can't help but feel a surge of bliss washing over me. It's not just happiness, I found love too.

I found love when I saw a group of friends, high school kids probably, playing together and not on their phones. I found love watching a toddler just learning to walk with her parents on either side of her, holding her hands and whispering words of encouragement. I found love when I see a young lady with her head in her boyfriend's lap eyes never leaving the book at hand, but what she didn't see is the way he looked at her, like she puts the sun in his sky. I found love seeing an elderly couple eating homemade sandwich on a checkered piece of cloth, a definition of true love, maybe? I don't really know but I found love all around me. It's always been around, I just never noticed.

Montauk

Montauk. A poem by the lovely and ever so talented Sarah Kay. This poem is included in her book, No Matter the Wreckage, first published in 2014. One of my favourite by Sarah. 

Hands, fingers, they all come in different sizes and shapes. I've hold onto hands that are warm, sometimes clammy or just a nice soft tingling against mine. I might have a slight obsession with hands.

I didn't realise this until quite recently, but that actually made sense because I used to remember how my friends' hands felt around mine and how their fingers look, in motion or wrapped around their favourite glass with coffee stains on them. Even back in high school, I recognised my closest friends' fingers and hands. I don't know, it might sound weird to most people but it's true. Like how some people could tell who is who by the way a person walks, I on the other hand recognise their hand gestures.

I remember one friend, who has long slender fingers. When she moves them around, it looks like they're dancing, so graceful and effortlessly poise. Like a ballerina on stage, it moves with precision but also soft. I like her fingers most I think of all the person I've ever hold hands. They're not exactly baby soft, but the callouses on her palms felt comfortable and her grip is somehow reassuring.

I don't know if anybody else notices this but everyone has a unique way of mobilising their fingers and hands. Some look a bit stiff and calculated, others look like they do not have bones beneath those long extensions of joints. Amazing actually. Even when not in motion, static, the way a person's hands and fingers are positioned differently in my eyes.

I have no idea why this minuscule trait caught my eyes, I've never been one into details and shit. I guess I just observe people a lot unconsciously, especially those who are dear to my heart :)

"I left because I don't deserve her. I've brought nothing but pain in her life and I love her too much to see her get hurt. She deserve the world and everything more. She deserve more than I could offer. I'm not going back, I'm not gonna hurt her anymore," he said with his head buried in his hands.
I've never seen him this disheveled, long gone the glow in his face just a soft smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"Are you fucking serious? Do you hear yourself talking?" I said, a slight anger in my tone, "Let the woman make her own decision for goodness sake. You are in no position to decide what she deserve and what's best for her. Oh my god and I thought she's daft but here you are acting like a walking corpse over a break up neither of you wanted. Why am I friends with you guys again?"

"Because we're the only people who'd willing to tolerate your rotten personality,"he deadpans.

"Cut the sass, I thought you're being miserable right now? One at a time, jeez," a faint smile tugs at the corner of his lips and I am mildly relieved.

"Stop moping around and go get your girl back. Nobody but her should decide who she ends up with. Stop measuring her self worth, she's more than capable to do that herself. She's not freaking 15, and so are you."

He blinked.

"I don't know man. I don't know if I can see her face again after that night. The things I've said, the look on her face. I fucked up," he sighs. "This is not what I had in mind when I asked your advice on how to move on." He looked borderline offended and grateful.

"Well in my defence, you obviously look disgustingly in love with her. I'm just being the nice friend I am. And the last time I bumped into her, she didn't look too great herself. Pretty much a walking corpse like you. Don't live with regret, trust me you don't wanna live with a hole in your heart," I murmured, whispering the last sentence with my eyes never meeting his.

And somehow, in the small space of my heart something crack.

It's 6.43pm and here I am looking out to the horizon where the sea meets the sky. I haven't felt this state of tranquility in such a long time. The sun is out, in all its glory, proud and bold in the cloudless sky. The wind is flirty and teasing, kissing my cheeks like a lover's first kiss. Everything feels right. I feel like I belong, my feet in the sand and the salty breeze in my face. I've always loved oceans and seas but this, this is different. It's like falling in love for the first time and today, I remember why I love beaches so much. Maybe I've been deprived of the ocean for so long, which explains this feeling that's washing over me. I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like my heart's just waiting to burst out of pure ecstasy. I've never known it's possible to be so happy and content with just being in the mere presence of salt water and sand granules, and the sun shining over you.

I don't wanna go home. I don't wanna go back to doing nothing in that small city town. I wanna smell like the ocean and have sun kissed skin for all I care. I wanna watch the sun rises and sets by its horizon everyday and bathe in the sound of waves splashing the shore. I don't wanna go home.

It's nice feeling like you're in love with something. Knowing that it'll always be there for you whenever you return. Just like some people, always being there. I know. I know it by heart that even if I crash and burn, these people will always be there, they've always been there. My short trip to the beach today feels like meeting your loved ones after a long separation. That desperate feeling of wanting to absorb everything and anything because you know, they can't stay. They're not here to stay. Trying to touch and feel them as long as you can, every fleeting second counts. I guess I can relate to that so much. These days I've felt so sad and mellow with so much people around me leaving. Graduating, marriage. Those are supposed to be happy things, but I found myself feeling sad for some reason. Having to let go of people in my life. I've always been attached to people, whether I show it or not. Today, the sea reminds me that sometimes those short encounter are so much more meaningful because you learn to appreciate it while it lasts.

I've always been the girl who lives in the moment rather than pondering over my future. I guess it's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. Why worry about what's to come when you should enjoy each and every moment you have right now. It's a good thing when you live a life not having to worry about what kind of disaster awaits. But sometimes it makes you reckless and well, stupid.

"Life was never worse but never better"

Lately, I'm enjoying my own company so much it scares me. It scares me that I'm content with being alone and doing things alone. I've always been a little bit on the introverted side but it's gotten a lot worse. I can't go shopping with people anymore, I can't watch movies on the laptop with people anymore, I can't do the things I'm used to do alone with people without it being awkward. I think I can still tolerate most things but the shopping or just going out part is the most obvious. It's weird as fuck to go out with people and do some shopping together, unless we're really close. I mean really really close that I can go out with you and not run out of things to talk about. There's like only few of those people, I can count them with one hand, which most of them are not here in the UK. This year alone, I can count how many times I haven't gone out by myself.

I love going out on my own because I don't have to rush anything I can walk as slow as I want or got lost in the crowd for fun. Not many people can understand the way my mind works, not many people can follow me into every shop looking at ridiculous things which I won't buy, without questioning it. I like spending my time like that, with no worries, not many people can understand that. And I hate when people question my fashion sense when I'm shopping for clothes hahahaha I know my taste is weird shut up. Usually when I'm out shopping with people, I'll just follow them around and silently wishing they'd finish faster so I can go home. I don't have the motivation to actually go around and go to the places I wanna go because I know my type of shopping differs from most people. Like who'd follow me spend half an hour looking at cute postcards and birthday cards at Paper Chase?! Maybe Anas, because he started the postcard hunting shit I've been doing for the past year or so smh. When I go out, I eat a lot. Like seriously I went to Starbucks then singgah Auntie Anne's before balik I'll go lepak Krispy Kreme, sometimes if I'm hungry I'll go to Crepe Affair. My friends here are definitely NOT a food junkie, at least not as much as I am. I enjoy having lazy "coffee shop hopping" around town or having ice cream whenever I feel like, even in winter (especially in winter!).

It's not like they're bad friends, no. Definitely not. They're great to be honest but we don't share the same interest and I find it hard to let people into my life. I love them regardless, we've been through a lot together for the past two years abroad and I'm always thankful. It's just there are certain things I don't feel comfortable to share or to express around them; I'm a very closed and secretive person, always have been. Sometimes I feel sorry because I know it seems like I'm distancing myself from everyone here but I can't help it comfort can't be enforced and I appreciate it if people respect my space, literally and figuratively. There's a thin line between being yourself or a perfected version of yourself and I think I've mastered the art of knowing whom I can let go and be myself. That doesn't make anyone any less of a friend, just a different bond of friendship.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to terms that what I'm doing now is unhealthy. It's unhealthy to be so immersed in yourself, no matter how much important it is to enjoy your own company, too much is pretty concerning. I don't know how to spend more time with people because it's nice being alone though sometimes loneliness bites you in the back. I'm worried that I enjoy my time alone rather than with people. I'm seriously worried. Spending the summer alone here in the UK is definitely not helping smh fix this Nadiah!

You're like a high school crush. The one who I can only admire and gawked from afar, never near. Where I know every nook and cranny of your dramatic "first world problem" any 17 year old could possibly have and yet chances are you didn't even know my name. My existence would  be deemed oblivious to your everyday laugh with your small group of friends, lounging around the cafe during recess. But this time around, the difference is we're both no longer in school and you're a thousand miles away from me living your dreams and here I am watching you achieve them. I could never be happier. You're like a high school crush, but we're not in high school.