Sophrosyne

"I've learned that the greatest things only happen once; at the right moment and circumstances. Recreating them won't be as great"

One of my twitter friend (Afeeq) tweeted this few weeks ago. That one sentence keep coming back to me and it scares me that it's absolutely true. In fact, I know for sure for I have tried several times to recreate moments but often lead to disappointment. We can't recreate happy moments, nor sad ones. Every single moment is something new, something changes even the littlest detail and that changes everything. I guess it's a good thing, that the same thing won't happen twice, in two same situations. It's also sad, to experience something just once and never again the same way. You might encounter it again, but you won't get the same feeling of experiencing it for the first time. The excitement is still there, but somehow different, with a tug of familiarity. It's like falling in love for the first time. The second or third could also be beautiful and you'll still have butterflies in your stomach but it's not the same feeling. That's the beauty of time I guess, nothing ever stays the same.

So if you feel like the sky is crumbling down on you today, breathe. Breathe. Because it won't last. And if you're happy and you feel like the whole world stops around you, treasure it. You wont get the chance to experience it again. Absorb everything around you; how the leaves sound so melodic brushing against each other, that silly smile on your friends face, the way the wind blows his hair making it a pretty mess. Treasure those moments; meaningless conversations or mean jokes. The way small waves soaked your body with her laughter in your ear, take it all in. You will miss this one day, like I do right now. Sometimes I regret not paying enough attention to the people around me. I'm starting to forget the way her eyes formed creases around it when she smiles. Or how they would say mean words to each other but their eyes says otherwise. I'd give the world to have those moments again, where we're just having fun and the only problem we'd have are silly exams, not life decisions.

"I missed you in a small way. Tiny enough to fold up and slip it in my pocket, and carry that loneliness with me everywhere I went. I'd forget all about you, until my hand accidentally brushed against that slip of memory"

-dearfernweh (via wnq-writers)

And once in a while, I would wake up at night missing you, for no reason at all. Today is one of those days. It felt like it was yesterday you would be there for me whenever I needed you. Today I missed you. I guess it's a habit my heart picks up over the years we've been together, and getting over something you learn to live with for the past 5 years is not easy. I absolutely have no regret in us, because we were happy for quite a long time but now we're better off on our own. Just like the season, people change, feelings fade. The last time we talked was like more than a year ago but somehow we have been keeping tracks of each other. I haven't heard anything from you since the past 5 months and this is probably my fault. I was afraid that my heart would waver so I cut you off, even though we were on good terms. And in return you cut me off too. I was a little bit upset and I have no idea why because that's exactly what I want, for you to forget me. Like I said, I guess old habits die hard. Today, I woke up with tears in my eyes. I didn't remember the dream but what I'm sure of is that it's about you. Sigh. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, BRAIN -.- I've noticed this for quite a while. Every a month or two, I will always be haunted by you in my dreams. It's like something somewhere deep inside of me, despise my decision of leaving what we had. There's a feeling I can't describe every time I woke up from one of those dreams, it's like something is fighting inside of me. My heart hurts thinking that I ruined whatever future we could have. Stupid dreams.

There's no one before you, and there's still no one after you. I'm still learning to open up my heart, to love again. I never knew it's so hard to let people in. I find it hard to actually trust people to the point I trusted you, it felt wrong. Maybe this is why people often say don't love wholeheartedly, don't give it all because at some point there's nothing left. I once love carelessly, wholeheartedly, I shower my partner with so much love the 'me' now is astounded I still have room to love something else. I'm that clingy girlfriend who will always want to talk to you, always want you to tell me that you love me, yeah I once was that type of girlfriend (omg annoying right? I'm so sorry). Right now, the thought of being in a relationship actually scares me. I'm not someone who's good at getting to know people and stuff. I guess no boyfriend for the next few years, at least until I have my life all figured out. And I hope this reoccurring moments where I'd dream of you and start missing you once in while could stop, because I'm honestly tired trying to hold my heart in its place. It's time to grow up and let it all be just memories and memories alone.

Hearing your voice, even in just my dream, broke me. You broke me.

She's just an average girl next door, with a little over average dreams. There are times she's squealing with delight watching sappy love stories, the kind that tells how fate can overcome the hardest battle and love would always win. She let her heart flutter at the sight of two people destined for each other treasuring every moment they could possibly have in the name of true love. The times she wished she too could have those kind of love, you have no idea. But she didn't believe in coincidences and destiny, maybe because she never experience it first hand. Truth is, she wanted to believe that someday she too could find her other half. But right now she needs to feel whole. She needs to learn to write her own script. Each of us has a different story, we walk different roads but somehow we cross path along the way. She needs to realise that rather than comparing her story with others, she should appreciate the little things that people contributed for her. Because she will never complete the story alone, the world have never been only about her.

I, solemnly swear that I will love myself first before others. I will love every flaw and every imperfection on me. I will love me regardless.

To love yourself, that's the biggest challenge anyone could face. To realise how flawed you are, and still love yourself is the greatest self achievement one could ever ask for. And here I am, learning to love myself again. Learning to accept each and every part of me that I somehow grow to hate over the years. First, these are the little things I love  about me;

My hair
I am so obsessed with my hair at the moment. It's at a perfect length and I don't mind the messy look anymore because I look freaking hot (oops!). I used to hate my hair. back in the days, I wish I could have pretty hair like the girls on tv etc but having to wear a hijab, I didn't really pay much attention to attend to my hair and it's always a nuisance because I was in boarding school etc (oh the excuses!). Hair, I'm sorry I hated you, not anymore though *winks*

My fingers and nail
I loooove my fingers and nails (well my hand entirely). I have quite long fingers, nice and slender though people would always say that they worry they would break my bones when giving giving me a handshake *rolls eyes* I hated short nails, because I can't hold things properly and it stings. But having long nails are also a pain in the ass, so I usually have them in the perfect length.

My smile
What even...but seriously though I like seeing myself smile or laugh (I have a funny laugh, the ones that makes people laugh not bc of my jokes but bc of my laugh)

My brain (?)
Hahaha this is so overrated, but I like how I can be so clever and so stupid some other time (lol)

Strength
Not physical strength obviously. Sometimes I surprise myself how strong I could be, it's all a matter of trying. I've done things that I would have never expect the old me to do before. I have lived through the heartbreaks and mental breakdown. I am proud that I've come all the way where I am now. Being someone who rarely shares her problem, I don't have anyone I can turn to. Not that they didn't care but I hated it when people sympathises me. It makes me feel weak and helpless of my own  life. But I'm glad certain people still put up with me after all these years *hugs and kisses* As years go by, I've learned not to depend on people and to do the things I wanted to do. To have control over your own life feels so good (omg I kinda sound like Mr Grey). You wanna go on a fancy date alone, do it. You wanna eat something, eat it, you can always cry about how many calories you need to burn later. You feel like taking a walk outside even though it's 8pm and it's freezing cold, why the hell not? Do the small things, you will realise that it's not always the big things that matter.

Loyalty
Heck, I'm loyal as f hahahaha and my name actually means loyal *winks*

whoa, this post is sooo vain???? who cares it's my blog bitch

Love yourself, okay? xoxo

"Once a upon a time, there lived a beautiful girl. She was allowed to do anything, except go to the edge of the cliff, where she could fall. One day, out of curiosity, she went near the cliff. The closer she came to the edge, the more she could hear, the more she could see, the more she could feel. Finally she stood at the very edge and she saw light, then she leaned to touch it. But she slipped, and she flew!"

People lose friends all the time, what's the big deal. But not me, I have never really lose friends until quite recently. Maybe it's because I have very few people I call friends, the rest, acquaintance. I've heard and read numerous stories about people losing friends along the way of growing up and I know sooner or later I'm bound to experience the same situation. But it never occurs to me that it would be this fast, this instance where I haven't even reach 21 yet. And I absolutely have no idea it hurts this much. A whole one year, and I still flinch every time your name pops up.

That's actually a phrase from THG's trilogy, but I slightly change the word 'Panem' to 'happy'.
Have you ever thought of being happy every day? Or do you have a goal, that if you achieve  a certain target you'll be happy? Some people have their happy times set and fixed, for example;  people waited for the weekends where they will be free from work or school. Some people, enjoy whatever they're doing that they're continuously happy throughout the weekdays. What happiness means to you?

What are your thoughts about this? It occurs to me this question when I watched Paper Towns a few weeks back when Margo asked Q;

M: What are your plans? You said you have plans

Q: Well I'm graduating this fall, get in to med school and be a doctor. Then maybe get married and have kids by I'm thirty.

M: And then you'll be happy?

Q: What?

M: When you're thirty? In twelve years, when you have kids, a career, then you'll be happy. Is that what you're actually saying?

Q: Umm yeah I guess. yeah

M: Isn't there anything that could make you happy now? It's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Wow, that's something. Then I realise, I've always anticipate big things, big events, expecting that I'll be happy as soon as I've achieved or reached that, but did I treasure the little things along the way? I didn't realise that I force myself to hold on and suffer by saying;

"It's okay, hang on little bit more, the holidays are near,"

"The weekends are here, how exciting!"

But then it arrives, I admit that I'm happy what I've been waiting or anticipating is actually here, but the joy doesn't last. As soon as the holidays/weekends over, I'm back to suffering and misery. What a way to live your life. So slow down for a while, and take a look around. There's always something to cherish and be glad about your life around you on a daily basis. Try to be happy doing the 'little' things instead of just waiting for the 'big' things. Not that I'm saying you shouldn't anticipate big things, it's always healthy to pamper yourself once in a while.

So let's be happy. Cheers to many more happy days!

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Untuk selamanya

Hi.

What's the purpose of people blogging? Well I think as a medium to communicate, to express what can't be expressed verbally and to just write. I used to love writing a lot and it's something I enjoy to do. But now I don't really have the time for it anymore. I still write, but essays and articles, the educational stuff. Those are boring I must say. I miss writing without boundaries, without rules and limitations just pouring everything on a blank piece of paper. It's like what I'm doing right now, I don't even have to stop to think of sentences or phrases it just came naturally. It feels good and I feel good. I'm not good at it despite I love writing but I'm okay with it, there's always room for improvement.

I created this blog about three-ish years ago, during my after SPM phase where I've got absolutely nothing to do. I used to like it when people read my blog, but these days not so much because it's rather private to me. This is where I rant and babble about most things, things that are sometimes irrelevant to others but significant to me.  It's like I write for myself to read. A mini love letter from me to me, oh how sweet.

Talking about blogging, I've been wanting to try live blogging where I can blog about the things that are happening right in front of me at that very moment. But sadly, the only time I have my laptop with me is when I'm at the library. And libraries aren't such a place people live blogged about. I wanted to live blog the busy morning of London. Seeing Londoners rushing to work and spilling coffee on another person's shirt, watching the buzzing traffic of the city and surrounded by people, people everywhere. I guess that's the beauty of living in cities, you're never alone even when you are.

To you who stayed when the world left, thank you.
Thank you.