Sophrosyne

She's just an average girl next door, with a little over average dreams. There are times she's squealing with delight watching sappy love stories, the kind that tells how fate can overcome the hardest battle and love would always win. She let her heart flutter at the sight of two people destined for each other treasuring every moment they could possibly have in the name of true love. The times she wished she too could have those kind of love, you have no idea. But she didn't believe in coincidences and destiny, maybe because she never experience it first hand. Truth is, she wanted to believe that someday she too could find her other half. But right now she needs to feel whole. She needs to learn to write her own script. Each of us has a different story, we walk different roads but somehow we cross path along the way. She needs to realise that rather than comparing her story with others, she should appreciate the little things that people contributed for her. Because she will never complete the story alone, the world have never been only about her.

I, solemnly swear that I will love myself first before others. I will love every flaw and every imperfection on me. I will love me regardless.

To love yourself, that's the biggest challenge anyone could face. To realise how flawed you are, and still love yourself is the greatest self achievement one could ever ask for. And here I am, learning to love myself again. Learning to accept each and every part of me that I somehow grow to hate over the years. First, these are the little things I love  about me;

My hair
I am so obsessed with my hair at the moment. It's at a perfect length and I don't mind the messy look anymore because I look freaking hot (oops!). I used to hate my hair. back in the days, I wish I could have pretty hair like the girls on tv etc but having to wear a hijab, I didn't really pay much attention to attend to my hair and it's always a nuisance because I was in boarding school etc (oh the excuses!). Hair, I'm sorry I hated you, not anymore though *winks*

My fingers and nail
I loooove my fingers and nails (well my hand entirely). I have quite long fingers, nice and slender though people would always say that they worry they would break my bones when giving giving me a handshake *rolls eyes* I hated short nails, because I can't hold things properly and it stings. But having long nails are also a pain in the ass, so I usually have them in the perfect length.

My smile
What even...but seriously though I like seeing myself smile or laugh (I have a funny laugh, the ones that makes people laugh not bc of my jokes but bc of my laugh)

My brain (?)
Hahaha this is so overrated, but I like how I can be so clever and so stupid some other time (lol)

Strength
Not physical strength obviously. Sometimes I surprise myself how strong I could be, it's all a matter of trying. I've done things that I would have never expect the old me to do before. I have lived through the heartbreaks and mental breakdown. I am proud that I've come all the way where I am now. Being someone who rarely shares her problem, I don't have anyone I can turn to. Not that they didn't care but I hated it when people sympathises me. It makes me feel weak and helpless of my own  life. But I'm glad certain people still put up with me after all these years *hugs and kisses* As years go by, I've learned not to depend on people and to do the things I wanted to do. To have control over your own life feels so good (omg I kinda sound like Mr Grey). You wanna go on a fancy date alone, do it. You wanna eat something, eat it, you can always cry about how many calories you need to burn later. You feel like taking a walk outside even though it's 8pm and it's freezing cold, why the hell not? Do the small things, you will realise that it's not always the big things that matter.

Loyalty
Heck, I'm loyal as f hahahaha and my name actually means loyal *winks*

whoa, this post is sooo vain???? who cares it's my blog bitch

Love yourself, okay? xoxo

"Once a upon a time, there lived a beautiful girl. She was allowed to do anything, except go to the edge of the cliff, where she could fall. One day, out of curiosity, she went near the cliff. The closer she came to the edge, the more she could hear, the more she could see, the more she could feel. Finally she stood at the very edge and she saw light, then she leaned to touch it. But she slipped, and she flew!"

People lose friends all the time, what's the big deal. But not me, I have never really lose friends until quite recently. Maybe it's because I have very few people I call friends, the rest, acquaintance. I've heard and read numerous stories about people losing friends along the way of growing up and I know sooner or later I'm bound to experience the same situation. But it never occurs to me that it would be this fast, this instance where I haven't even reach 21 yet. And I absolutely have no idea it hurts this much. A whole one year, and I still flinch every time your name pops up.

That's actually a phrase from THG's trilogy, but I slightly change the word 'Panem' to 'happy'.
Have you ever thought of being happy every day? Or do you have a goal, that if you achieve  a certain target you'll be happy? Some people have their happy times set and fixed, for example;  people waited for the weekends where they will be free from work or school. Some people, enjoy whatever they're doing that they're continuously happy throughout the weekdays. What happiness means to you?

What are your thoughts about this? It occurs to me this question when I watched Paper Towns a few weeks back when Margo asked Q;

M: What are your plans? You said you have plans

Q: Well I'm graduating this fall, get in to med school and be a doctor. Then maybe get married and have kids by I'm thirty.

M: And then you'll be happy?

Q: What?

M: When you're thirty? In twelve years, when you have kids, a career, then you'll be happy. Is that what you're actually saying?

Q: Umm yeah I guess. yeah

M: Isn't there anything that could make you happy now? It's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Wow, that's something. Then I realise, I've always anticipate big things, big events, expecting that I'll be happy as soon as I've achieved or reached that, but did I treasure the little things along the way? I didn't realise that I force myself to hold on and suffer by saying;

"It's okay, hang on little bit more, the holidays are near,"

"The weekends are here, how exciting!"

But then it arrives, I admit that I'm happy what I've been waiting or anticipating is actually here, but the joy doesn't last. As soon as the holidays/weekends over, I'm back to suffering and misery. What a way to live your life. So slow down for a while, and take a look around. There's always something to cherish and be glad about your life around you on a daily basis. Try to be happy doing the 'little' things instead of just waiting for the 'big' things. Not that I'm saying you shouldn't anticipate big things, it's always healthy to pamper yourself once in a while.

So let's be happy. Cheers to many more happy days!

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Sayang kau hilang
Menanti biar sampai akhir hayat ku di dunia ini

Kau tahu betapa ku sayang padamu
Hanya bidadari sebagai ganti
Hanya takdir menentukan ia
oh belaian jiwa

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Yang sedih pilu
Terimalah lagu ku jadi teman hidupmu
Untuk selamanya

Hi.

What's the purpose of people blogging? Well I think as a medium to communicate, to express what can't be expressed verbally and to just write. I used to love writing a lot and it's something I enjoy to do. But now I don't really have the time for it anymore. I still write, but essays and articles, the educational stuff. Those are boring I must say. I miss writing without boundaries, without rules and limitations just pouring everything on a blank piece of paper. It's like what I'm doing right now, I don't even have to stop to think of sentences or phrases it just came naturally. It feels good and I feel good. I'm not good at it despite I love writing but I'm okay with it, there's always room for improvement.

I created this blog about three-ish years ago, during my after SPM phase where I've got absolutely nothing to do. I used to like it when people read my blog, but these days not so much because it's rather private to me. This is where I rant and babble about most things, things that are sometimes irrelevant to others but significant to me.  It's like I write for myself to read. A mini love letter from me to me, oh how sweet.

Talking about blogging, I've been wanting to try live blogging where I can blog about the things that are happening right in front of me at that very moment. But sadly, the only time I have my laptop with me is when I'm at the library. And libraries aren't such a place people live blogged about. I wanted to live blog the busy morning of London. Seeing Londoners rushing to work and spilling coffee on another person's shirt, watching the buzzing traffic of the city and surrounded by people, people everywhere. I guess that's the beauty of living in cities, you're never alone even when you are.

To you who stayed when the world left, thank you.
Thank you.

If you read my previous posts, the ones I posted ever since I land my two feet here in the UK for the very first time you'll notice how bitter and little I like living here. Mainly, because my life was surrounded by the things I'm not willing to do. I hate how I don't have my close friends with me, I hate the course I was studying, I hate that I can't do the things I liked anymore. It was so hard, so full of restrictions and I was miserable. God knows how much I wanted to go home and return to where things fit into place. Let's just say things didn't go exactly as I planned (well it was expected nonetheless). Long story short, I had a major breakdown during my summer break. It's impossible to recover in a short amount of time but I manage. Honestly, the reason for my 'end-of-the-world-shenanigan' was mainly because I feel like I've crushed everyone's hope and expectation of me. I feel like I've let everyone down, especially my parents who have been there for me all these times. But deep down I'm relieved. I know that it's not for me and if given another chance to do it all over again and fix it, I wouldn't. I'm glad that it's all over.

hey-ho. Today marks the start of a new semester of my new journey here in Cardiff. Also means that you can kiss that 3 months holiday good bye Nad. Haven't been writing anything since I went back to Malaysia during the summer, I guess I was too busy doing nothing. Seriously I did nothing back home aside from sleeping and eating. Wrote a few blog entries but it all went down the drain.

For this new start, I'm honestly scared and excited all at once. The excitement of learning something new but also the fear of not being able to fully excel in it is really driving me crazy and it's only been one day of class! But above all, I'm relieved to be free from Optometry! Since I've got what I wanted, might as well make use of it, and I am forever grateful. Indeed His plans are the best :)

I guess there's a part of me that still hold on to him. A part of my unconsciousness still want him though I believe I've moved on completely. He often appears in my dreams, and mind you I don't usually dream and even if I do I won't remember them.