It's the first day of spring. Sprouts of little yellow flowers covering vast green meadows. New beginning of a beautiful life. Short-lived yet so worthwhile. Have you ever thought of how flowers have a really short lifespan? They bloom and flourish only to be plucked to their death. Even in their last moments, they give so much joy to people. Beautiful and delicate, pretty little flowers. They come and go, living and dying. I wish I could live like flowers too, bringing joy to people even in my last breath. Some people want to be remembered after their death, a tale passed down generation after generation. Maybe, to be told in history books and biographies. And me? Maybe I just want to make the people around me happy.
She cradled your pretty little heart in flowering vines, tender and loving
Kissed your fingertips with the first rays of sunrise
Perhaps loving you is magic
It brought joy to sorrow hearts
Sewing smiles on faceless souls
Your hand might be empty but your heart is full
Love will always be a lesson
To the people who gives and the people who receives
The sky is beautiful
Perhaps it reminds her of you
Of endless beauty your heart carries
Make no apologies for the way your voice cracked whenever it gets a little too much. You are human, as real as the touch of your skin on mine. Do not feel ashamed of the things that make you human. We're all scared in different ways, hiding behind perfect lined teeth and nonchalant laughs. It's perfectly okay to want to vomit your guts out seconds before you go up on that stage, rehearsing your words before speaking up in class or that little pep talk in your head standing in line for coffee. It's okay, you're okay. You are your own strength. People will always have something to say about how you live your life but it's important that you yourself know where you stand. Learning to love oneself is a never ending journey. You will come to realise at one point, when you think you've accepted your flaws and insecurities, it comes back in merciless waves, catching you off guard and you're back to where you started. It happens and it's okay. It's okay. Loving the little pieces that we have grown to despise all our lives does not happen in a day, it's okay. Make no apologies for loving the pieces of you that needed loving.
In that split second, nothing mattered anymore. You painted my sky blue and sculptured my heart with gold. You give me hope that tomorrow the sun will still rise, brighter better days ahead. In that moment I know God sent me an angel. In that moment I know where my tomorrow lies. We're both lying on soft blanket of grass, your hand brushing mine. The night sky mirroring our non existing conversation, quiet. Perhaps, God sent me an angel, but I know no angel is as beautiful and flawed as you. The eerie black blanketing me whenever night falls no longer scares me. You remind me of sunrises and a new beginning, a new breath of air after staying under the water for too long. In that moment I know what I want.
hello,
So this is my first post in my 30 days 30 minutes blogpost challenge! Basically what I'm gonna do is write something everyday in 30 minutes for 30 days (or however long I manage to keep up). I'm really nervous about this. I don't usually commit to this kind of stuff but I really wanna try this time around, need to get my life together somehow.
I'm gonna talk a little about what's been going on in my life in this post. I'm in my final year of university already and it has been hectic. I don't know if it's the final year pressure or what but I've been really stressed about graduating and exams etc. It's starting to feel scary as I realise shits about to get real. Work, adulting, all the no fun things you know. It's nearing and I'm a little scared.
It's fine to be scared I guess. At some point in life, transitions happens. Migrating from one way of life to another, adjusting to new environment and adapting to new survival skills, it happens. Those are the things I keep trying to remind myself whenever I feel like it's too much and too stressful. Life has been fast paced for me. I'm really thinking about taking a little break after graduation. Stay at home, be with my family. God knows how long it's been since I've really spend time with my family, what with being away from home since I was 13. So I guess I kind of need that little break. I really don't have a solid plan yet after graduation, and that's one of the many I have in mind. Maybe I'll stay at home and try to actually write my book that I've been wanting to write, I don't know. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Also, I'm a little (a lot) sad about leaving Cardiff. For the past 4 years, this little town has been a home to me. It's always gonna be a part of me now. Never in my wildest dream would I expect to see Cardiff covered in snow, it's been 10 years since the last time it really snowed here. But it did it snowed! All the classes were cancelled and we had a four day weekend. The snow was really thick, nothing compared to the ones in the US or Canada, but by UK standard it's pretty heavy. I had so much fun in the snow, and I'm glad we got to experience this before going home for good.
Yikes, my 30 minute is almost up! That's all for today I guess. Next posts will be random excerpts of writing or if you guys have any request, feel free to drop by my curiouscat/twitter I'd be happy to try and write for you or talk about anything you want me to talk about. I've always been writing for myself on this blog, and for once I want to try and write for people. Thank you if you've read my posts, you have no idea how much it means to me,
So this is my first post in my 30 days 30 minutes blogpost challenge! Basically what I'm gonna do is write something everyday in 30 minutes for 30 days (or however long I manage to keep up). I'm really nervous about this. I don't usually commit to this kind of stuff but I really wanna try this time around, need to get my life together somehow.
I'm gonna talk a little about what's been going on in my life in this post. I'm in my final year of university already and it has been hectic. I don't know if it's the final year pressure or what but I've been really stressed about graduating and exams etc. It's starting to feel scary as I realise shits about to get real. Work, adulting, all the no fun things you know. It's nearing and I'm a little scared.
It's fine to be scared I guess. At some point in life, transitions happens. Migrating from one way of life to another, adjusting to new environment and adapting to new survival skills, it happens. Those are the things I keep trying to remind myself whenever I feel like it's too much and too stressful. Life has been fast paced for me. I'm really thinking about taking a little break after graduation. Stay at home, be with my family. God knows how long it's been since I've really spend time with my family, what with being away from home since I was 13. So I guess I kind of need that little break. I really don't have a solid plan yet after graduation, and that's one of the many I have in mind. Maybe I'll stay at home and try to actually write my book that I've been wanting to write, I don't know. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Also, I'm a little (a lot) sad about leaving Cardiff. For the past 4 years, this little town has been a home to me. It's always gonna be a part of me now. Never in my wildest dream would I expect to see Cardiff covered in snow, it's been 10 years since the last time it really snowed here. But it did it snowed! All the classes were cancelled and we had a four day weekend. The snow was really thick, nothing compared to the ones in the US or Canada, but by UK standard it's pretty heavy. I had so much fun in the snow, and I'm glad we got to experience this before going home for good.
Yikes, my 30 minute is almost up! That's all for today I guess. Next posts will be random excerpts of writing or if you guys have any request, feel free to drop by my curiouscat/twitter I'd be happy to try and write for you or talk about anything you want me to talk about. I've always been writing for myself on this blog, and for once I want to try and write for people. Thank you if you've read my posts, you have no idea how much it means to me,
Sand castles and foot print trails, all your life you've witnessed the sun rises by the horizon where ocean meets sky. It's a cloudless sky on most days, stars coating empty black canvas. Beautiful, always so easy to forget how something so exquisite from afar might not be as magnificent up close. You grew up wishing on stars, forgetting they've long died, a wishful wish perhaps. Listen, the sound of waves hitting cold damp sand. A lullaby, in careful calculated intervals. Nature is such a beautiful thing. Some nights, it's the sound of barefooted feet padding in between waves, the wind a perfect harmony to your sighing. Restless. Nature can do so much, until it can't anymore. Wishes on dead stars don't come true, you wished someone could've told you that sooner.
And it wasn't love that brought us back together, it was heartbreak. It was going through sleepless nights thinking what went wrong, it was reading old conversations and scrolling old photos. It was heartbreak that brought us back, sitting across each other in that dimly lit diner. You looked as good as ever, a smile never leaving your face. You looked happier now, I'm glad. We talked about everything and anything, it felt like those years of not seeing each other never existed. Comfortable. We laid our heartbreaks on the table, knives and forks poking our battered heart. We didn't come here to put it back together and we both knew that. I showed you my scars, ones you left behind and in return you showed me bloodied hands and bruised skin, my fingerprints all over your bones. We laid our battles before us. One by one. We should've done this ages ago but I'm glad we did now. I'm glad to see you again. That night, we part ways with pieces of our hearts in each other's palm, safe and home. That night, I said good bye and actually mean it.
Quiet little morning with sun rays just peeking by the horizon, I hope you wake up on the right side of bed today. A new start of a beautiful day. Exchanged hellos and smiles along the street, soft buzzing of the city coming to life. I hope you feel better today. I hope you like how your coffee is made today. Sky as clear as ever, a nice weather for a perfect day. A perfect time to make that phone call to the one person you haven't heard in a while. Take some nice photos of yourself. Post them online don't post them online, you choose. It's a great day, I hope you had a great day.
hello 2018,
I wish everyone a happy new year, a new beginning for some and a turning point for others. I wish for a kinder world and a happier Nadiah. Every change starts with oneself and I think I'm gonna hold on to that.
I don't really believe the new year new me bullshit, it never worked for me. Maybe I just don't have enough motivation to commit, me and my commitment issue. For people with new year resolutions and new goals, kudos to you! I wish 2018 is the year you achieve your goals and tick off those resolution one by one. For me, I just wanna be happy. It's the same as the years before but I don't think I did anything phenomenal that would take me closer to it. Don't get me wrong, 2017 has been one of my greatest year, it holds some of my happiest memories in life. A lot has happened in a year. I've overcome some of my biggest insecurities, did things I would've never thought I'd be able to. I've learned so many new things in 2017, seeing the world from a different perspective. I've met so many lovely souls, loving me and being with me throughout the year and I appreciate these people so much. But there's still something that's keeping me held back, from doing more, being happier. And I realised that's something I've never really tried to change because it comes and goes. I want this year to be different, I gotta start somewhere so I'm doing one right now, talking about my problems. This post is more for me to read instead of the general public so I'm not sure if I'm gonna post this.
I've been feeling shitty for the last few weeks of 2017, everything just feels too much. One thing led to another and suddenly it's an endless cycle, what initially started off small got blown into this one big mess inside my head. This chain reaction that I couldn't stop, day after day. I just feel sad most of the time. I went to sleep when the sun was already peeking by the horizon and wake up when it sets. I didn't do anything but it's so tiring, just living. Eating feels like a chore, everything just takes so much energy. I'm aware of my condition, this is not the first time it happened and I've gone through worst, but I feel like I need to talk about it this time. I've never talked about it, to anyone not even to my silent canvas I don't think I've ever addressed this issue even to myself. Just silent acknowledgment. For someone very private, having my feelings laid bare like this is a huge step. Writing this feels wrong, like I'm intruding my own consciousness which I know doesn't make sense at all. It was hard. I've got a lot of repressed emotion inside of me. I've lost a few people in 2017, people I've grown up with, someone very close to me and people I look up to. One I was prepared for and one that hit me like a truck and let me tell you, being prepared doesn't mean it hurts any less, in fact those pent up sadness builds over time making this all worse. Sometimes silence
could be so loud, it's deafening.
I figured I need to channel these feelings somewhere and I usually write but lately I just couldn't and I guess I've seen this coming, me spiralling back into this whirlpool of not just pent up sadness but everything all at once, anger, hopelessness, disappointment. It was a dark time but I've manage to break this cycle all thanks to the people around me. Talking really helps, and I don't mean talking about my problems just talking in general. Being there means a lot, especially when all I wanna do is not talk or engage in anything. And one thing I realised, everything points back to ourselves. Forcing a conversation with me won't help because I will only shut people down. I'm glad I pull myself together and actually get out of my room, distract myself with people around me. I realised nobody could help me other than myself. I'm glad I always have people around me, someone I could talk to about the weather, funny videos or a meme, random things. It doesn't go away all at once, but baby steps. People cope in different ways and my way doesn't necessarily work on you but remember you're not alone. If you're waiting for a sign, this is it. I am your sign, I am here, I care. You can talk to me if you need to, I'll listen.
I cracked myself open just a little, baby steps, baby steps. Things aren't gonna be easy in the blink of an eye, it's not that simple, never was. Here's to loving ourselves, here's to a better 2018.
I wish everyone a happy new year, a new beginning for some and a turning point for others. I wish for a kinder world and a happier Nadiah. Every change starts with oneself and I think I'm gonna hold on to that.
I don't really believe the new year new me bullshit, it never worked for me. Maybe I just don't have enough motivation to commit, me and my commitment issue. For people with new year resolutions and new goals, kudos to you! I wish 2018 is the year you achieve your goals and tick off those resolution one by one. For me, I just wanna be happy. It's the same as the years before but I don't think I did anything phenomenal that would take me closer to it. Don't get me wrong, 2017 has been one of my greatest year, it holds some of my happiest memories in life. A lot has happened in a year. I've overcome some of my biggest insecurities, did things I would've never thought I'd be able to. I've learned so many new things in 2017, seeing the world from a different perspective. I've met so many lovely souls, loving me and being with me throughout the year and I appreciate these people so much. But there's still something that's keeping me held back, from doing more, being happier. And I realised that's something I've never really tried to change because it comes and goes. I want this year to be different, I gotta start somewhere so I'm doing one right now, talking about my problems. This post is more for me to read instead of the general public so I'm not sure if I'm gonna post this.
I've been feeling shitty for the last few weeks of 2017, everything just feels too much. One thing led to another and suddenly it's an endless cycle, what initially started off small got blown into this one big mess inside my head. This chain reaction that I couldn't stop, day after day. I just feel sad most of the time. I went to sleep when the sun was already peeking by the horizon and wake up when it sets. I didn't do anything but it's so tiring, just living. Eating feels like a chore, everything just takes so much energy. I'm aware of my condition, this is not the first time it happened and I've gone through worst, but I feel like I need to talk about it this time. I've never talked about it, to anyone not even to my silent canvas I don't think I've ever addressed this issue even to myself. Just silent acknowledgment. For someone very private, having my feelings laid bare like this is a huge step. Writing this feels wrong, like I'm intruding my own consciousness which I know doesn't make sense at all. It was hard. I've got a lot of repressed emotion inside of me. I've lost a few people in 2017, people I've grown up with, someone very close to me and people I look up to. One I was prepared for and one that hit me like a truck and let me tell you, being prepared doesn't mean it hurts any less, in fact those pent up sadness builds over time making this all worse. Sometimes silence
could be so loud, it's deafening.
I figured I need to channel these feelings somewhere and I usually write but lately I just couldn't and I guess I've seen this coming, me spiralling back into this whirlpool of not just pent up sadness but everything all at once, anger, hopelessness, disappointment. It was a dark time but I've manage to break this cycle all thanks to the people around me. Talking really helps, and I don't mean talking about my problems just talking in general. Being there means a lot, especially when all I wanna do is not talk or engage in anything. And one thing I realised, everything points back to ourselves. Forcing a conversation with me won't help because I will only shut people down. I'm glad I pull myself together and actually get out of my room, distract myself with people around me. I realised nobody could help me other than myself. I'm glad I always have people around me, someone I could talk to about the weather, funny videos or a meme, random things. It doesn't go away all at once, but baby steps. People cope in different ways and my way doesn't necessarily work on you but remember you're not alone. If you're waiting for a sign, this is it. I am your sign, I am here, I care. You can talk to me if you need to, I'll listen.
I cracked myself open just a little, baby steps, baby steps. Things aren't gonna be easy in the blink of an eye, it's not that simple, never was. Here's to loving ourselves, here's to a better 2018.
He might be magic. Maybe there's stardust flowing in his veins, making him glow from the inside out. There is a refined grace in him, how he sees the world from a different lens. A random glitch in the system, an anomaly. Among thousands shade of grey he is that one little sparkle of red, the last colour of the spectrum, fierce and bold. He is beautiful on his own proud and uncaring. I find comfort in knowing you exist, little darling.
You are neither soft or hard but you are both, you are strong in the gentlest way and that's absolutely amazing. You are wonderful and I love you in every sense of the word. I love you in between laughter and tear stained cheeks, I love you when the sky bleeds purple and pink, fighting for that flicker of eminence before the night sky swallows it whole. Have you ever noticed how sunset differs, no same shade of yellow or streaks of pink ever appears twice coating the sky. It's different, everyday it's a different mixture. The same routine day by day but always changing, always as magnificent as the last one. You're like sunsets too I guess, a constant change but still so beautiful in every form. You're the next best thing after sunsets.
Little darling, you have so much love in you I wonder how your tiny little heart carry such power. Maybe that's why every time you smile, people feel the warmth of your soul, maybe instead of eyes, your smiles are you window. I have read countless times of eyes that carry the universe, of constellations mapped in between crevices of irises and I never truly believed in romance novel until I met you. I believe if I look hard enough I can name every star known to men and still have a handful left when I look into your eyes. All these cheap metaphors suddenly make perfect sense.
Happy birthday little darling. Another year to tackle, another year to grow into best versions of ourselves. I wish you all the happiness the world could offer and more. I wish you'll go to places you've never been, meeting people you've always wanted to meet, seeing things you've never seen. I wish you continue to be kind and selfless regardless of how cold and harsh the world is. I wish you'd overcome challenges and grow from it. I wish you health and prosperity, longevity and resilience. I wish you can sleep with a clear and head more often and wake up with an even clearer goal. I wish you'd take joy in the things you love, making music or photography I wish the best of luck. I wish you'd receive all the love you've ever given tenfold, maybe even a hundredfold, you deserve so much more than you could ever imagine. I hope when you're sad you'll remember that you are not alone in this journey and there's a whole community out here cheering you on alongside you family and friends. I hope we can give you comfort even just a little. I wish you would stop apologising for being you, for your silliness, for your tender little heart, for being human. I don't need you to be anything that you are not, little darling. I love you and I want you (to be happy).
I did a thread on twitter on the my best memories of 2017 and I figured why not do it here too with a little tweak, so here's my 2017's worst memories/things that have happened to me during the course of the year in no particular order. Let's see which one outweighs the other.
- I lost my grandfather to cancer
- I drifted away from some people
- Basically everything that's got to do with dealing with my landlady and our rented house
- MARA cut off my allowance
- I still have no clue about my future
- I hated myself for the things I couldn't change
- I let people project their feelings and expectations onto me
- I've lost so much weight I think I'm sick
- I cried a lot this year (surprisingly more than 2014)
- I wasted so much money on unnecessary things
- I'm back to not wanting to talk to people and wallowing in sadness for days sometimes weeks
- People I trusted lied to me
- Jonghyun's death
- I didn't read as much as I used to
- I stopped doing the things I liked
- I'm in a very long writing slump, I hate everything I write
- I didn't go out to see sunsets as much I used to anymore
- Toxic people
- I drifted away from God
- I didn't keep in contact with my parents that often
- Growing up
- Still haven't learn to talk to people about my problems
- Didn't spend as much time with myself
- Too busy attending to other people and forgetting to take care of myself
- I expected people to love me the way I love them but wow when will you learn Nadiah :')
2017 has been the best and worst year for me and though I am beyond grateful for some things, I wish no one would have to go through half of the things I've been through this year. It's a year of self discovery, filled with hatred and love all the same. But I am thankful for everyone that's been with me in flesh or in memory, you made a difference even just a little. May we all grow into a better version of ourselves in 2018, learning to love not only the people around us but ourselves most importantly.
