Sophrosyne

Sometimes I close my eyes and I see a clear blue sky with cotton candy clouds floating lazily, all fluffy and cute. Those were the good days. I too, have my bad days. On those days, I see storms break inside of me, as if all of my insides were jumbled up, all torn and a wreck. Those were the bad days. Sometimes, I feel nothing. I see nothing I hear nothing. Eyes wide open but everything's a blur. The faces I see I cannot recognise everyone looks the same. Those days were the worst. I lost the only thing I can still call mine. Me.

For the past few days, I have spent hours on youtube drowning in feels as I discovered spoken-word poetry. Instead of studying and doing assignments, I watched people open up and tell their stories, their darkest most scariest nightmare to their mundane life in NYC. To see people so vulnerable but so strong at the same time shows so much a person could do in that tiny little body. I see people fight for their dreams. I see people question their existence. I see people clung on their beliefs. Beautiful. It's just so beautiful what poetry can do to you. It makes you feel a thousand times more than you could ever imagine. Each word, each syllable, with enough stress with enough stutter, you crumble. Hats off to these amazing people who are able to touch hearts through their voices, through their stories. Not only you touch hearts, you aspire and give courage. I guess it's true, changing the world starts with oneself. Kudos!

"Kieran glanced at her with shimmering eyes. Neither looked quite human; The black eye was too dark, the silver too metallic. And yet the overall effect was haunting, inhumanly beautiful."

Lady Midnight, Cassandra Clare

"In a world so chaotic, you were my escape, and I was yours"

What's wrong with being a little different? What's wrong with turning left instead of right? Everyone's a little different and being different is not wrong. We lead different lives, go through different troubles and meet different people, so how could anyone be similar? Yes, no one is ever truly perfect, so what definition of right serves as the base of your judgement? Instead of avoiding differences, embrace it. Get to know the differences in life. People in general are attracted to something they find similar to what or who they are, sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eyes. But deep down, it's something that's foreign and unfamiliar that triggered those attraction. You might find someone that shares the same passion attractive but the things you discovered on how different he is from you might be the reason for you to stay. It's the discovery that excites people. The feeling of being able to feel at home yet out of the ordinary, priceless. So don't be afraid to be different, don't be afraid to be who you are.

"I've learned that the greatest things only happen once; at the right moment and circumstances. Recreating them won't be as great"

One of my twitter friend (Afeeq) tweeted this few weeks ago. That one sentence keep coming back to me and it scares me that it's absolutely true. In fact, I know for sure for I have tried several times to recreate moments but often lead to disappointment. We can't recreate happy moments, nor sad ones. Every single moment is something new, something changes even the littlest detail and that changes everything. I guess it's a good thing, that the same thing won't happen twice, in two same situations. It's also sad, to experience something just once and never again the same way. You might encounter it again, but you won't get the same feeling of experiencing it for the first time. The excitement is still there, but somehow different, with a tug of familiarity. It's like falling in love for the first time. The second or third could also be beautiful and you'll still have butterflies in your stomach but it's not the same feeling. That's the beauty of time I guess, nothing ever stays the same.

So if you feel like the sky is crumbling down on you today, breathe. Breathe. Because it won't last. And if you're happy and you feel like the whole world stops around you, treasure it. You wont get the chance to experience it again. Absorb everything around you; how the leaves sound so melodic brushing against each other, that silly smile on your friends face, the way the wind blows his hair making it a pretty mess. Treasure those moments; meaningless conversations or mean jokes. The way small waves soaked your body with her laughter in your ear, take it all in. You will miss this one day, like I do right now. Sometimes I regret not paying enough attention to the people around me. I'm starting to forget the way her eyes formed creases around it when she smiles. Or how they would say mean words to each other but their eyes says otherwise. I'd give the world to have those moments again, where we're just having fun and the only problem we'd have are silly exams, not life decisions.

"I missed you in a small way. Tiny enough to fold up and slip it in my pocket, and carry that loneliness with me everywhere I went. I'd forget all about you, until my hand accidentally brushed against that slip of memory"

-dearfernweh (via wnq-writers)

And once in a while, I would wake up at night missing you, for no reason at all. Today is one of those days. It felt like it was yesterday you would be there for me whenever I needed you. Today I missed you. I guess it's a habit my heart picks up over the years we've been together, and getting over something you learn to live with for the past 5 years is not easy. I absolutely have no regret in us, because we were happy for quite a long time but now we're better off on our own. Just like the season, people change, feelings fade. The last time we talked was like more than a year ago but somehow we have been keeping tracks of each other. I haven't heard anything from you since the past 5 months and this is probably my fault. I was afraid that my heart would waver so I cut you off, even though we were on good terms. And in return you cut me off too. I was a little bit upset and I have no idea why because that's exactly what I want, for you to forget me. Like I said, I guess old habits die hard. Today, I woke up with tears in my eyes. I didn't remember the dream but what I'm sure of is that it's about you. Sigh. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, BRAIN -.- I've noticed this for quite a while. Every a month or two, I will always be haunted by you in my dreams. It's like something somewhere deep inside of me, despise my decision of leaving what we had. There's a feeling I can't describe every time I woke up from one of those dreams, it's like something is fighting inside of me. My heart hurts thinking that I ruined whatever future we could have. Stupid dreams.

There's no one before you, and there's still no one after you. I'm still learning to open up my heart, to love again. I never knew it's so hard to let people in. I find it hard to actually trust people to the point I trusted you, it felt wrong. Maybe this is why people often say don't love wholeheartedly, don't give it all because at some point there's nothing left. I once love carelessly, wholeheartedly, I shower my partner with so much love the 'me' now is astounded I still have room to love something else. I'm that clingy girlfriend who will always want to talk to you, always want you to tell me that you love me, yeah I once was that type of girlfriend (omg annoying right? I'm so sorry). Right now, the thought of being in a relationship actually scares me. I'm not someone who's good at getting to know people and stuff. I guess no boyfriend for the next few years, at least until I have my life all figured out. And I hope this reoccurring moments where I'd dream of you and start missing you once in while could stop, because I'm honestly tired trying to hold my heart in its place. It's time to grow up and let it all be just memories and memories alone.

Hearing your voice, even in just my dream, broke me. You broke me.