Sophrosyne

There are days when sadness arrives, unannounced and quiet. It knocks on my door, with scraped hands and torn out nails. I find myself opening my door every single time. Made them tea and maybe invite them for a little cuddle, warm blankets,  and pillows. On those days, I disappear. My only company is my guest. Sadness doesn't ask questions, they wrapped me up in their arms and lulled me to sleep. Days after days sadness doesn't leave. I can't remember the last time I picked up pen and paper and just write. Write about sadness, about love, about hope and longing. Maybe sadness is here to remind me that it's okay to cry sometimes in the quiet of your bed, it's okay to want, maybe sadness is telling me to not forget. I have long left the pieces of me in the things scattered around my room. Pieces of me in the book I never finished, or that postcard I never got the chance to send, the reflection in the mirror that I no longer recognise. Sadness comes unannounced, but never unwelcome.

–a little something from #syfqhndiahwrites on twitter with some minor correction. it's a piece i always revisit whenever i feel sad and under the weather. posting this here in conjunction with World Mental Health day, a reminder that the first step towards a better mental health is to acknowledge your feelings.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I didn't, I still don't. Still, fate has a funny way of reuniting people. Fate and feelings buried under years and years of heartbreak. It was always easy to love you, you and your quiet smile and kind eyes. I build myself a castle of grievances and put up walls in the crevices of my heart and yet again you come knocking it into pieces. I've never known heartbreak quite like this, it feels like forever yet everything is still raw. It's so easy to love you, I just love you. I wish I don't anymore.

Hi, we are back to our usual schedule, yepp another post of me making a list. I guess, this will be an updated version, not very original of me but I needed to get this out of my system and I find making lists still works for me and I'm gonna do just that. Been feeling anxious lately, the worst part is me not doing anything about it and wallowing in self pity and loathing mmh fun :)

A little list of things I'm grateful for in the first half of 2019 –

• I may not have the most perfect family but I'm grateful to have very understanding parents, who let me take on life at my own pace and make my own decisions, who trusts me and believe in me.
• I'm very thankful for the friends I have, both near and far. I haven't been the greatest friend lately but I'm still so grateful for these people around me. 
• Being privileged enough to enjoy my hobbies and actually do stuff I'm interested in. 
• Cannot express how thankful I am to be born in this lifetime, with all these people and to experience all these little adventures even though most of the time I wanna give up just disappear. But there are moments when it feels like this is all worth it, this will all be worth it.
• I'm grateful for the health and well being of myself and the people I love
• Thankful that I am equipped and in tuned enough with my body, I've been trying to keep track of my mental health and physical health more closely. Learning new things and unlearn some unhealthy habits. 
• Some days it's hard just waking up and thinking there's a life ahead of me waiting to be lived but that's just how things work for me. Some days it's easier than others and that's okay. 
• Eventho I don't write as much anymore on this blog, writing is still one of my best outlet to express myself. I still write in the privacy of my notes, scribbles on my phone and long forgotten drafts on my twitter. I find that I'm more honest when I write for myself and not the world to see. 
• I'm grateful for my cat, honest to God bless cats and pets in general.

Staying in, books are your best friend, loving your quiet space, animals over people, cancelling plans to stay in bed, small circle of friends etc etc etc

hi, since I can't fall asleep right now I figured why not. These are not by any means lullabies, just a compilation of songs I sometimes love to listen to before sleep or to relax. It's just chill and soft ballads most of the time. I'll post youtube links and spotify links too if I can find them. Some of these are only on soundcloud, so I apologise in advance if that's not your preferred platform.

recently I find that I love making lists, so here's another one yay

1. Donate more – I've recently found the satisfaction in donating stuff I love, it's a little sad at first but then you feel like a weight has been lifted off of you, literally. 
2. Lessen my attachment to material things – I'm a sentimental person I keep everything, EVERYTHING. I'm trying to slowly let things go. My books for example. Never would've thought I'd sell them or give them away but here I am today with a whole box of books to sell and donate (visit my carousell: @pinkskiesblueocean for preloved books)
3. Be a smart consumer – I've starting to differentiate what brand/product deserve my support and what don't. There are so many out there and I'm choosing ones that align with my beliefs and what I stand for. A lipstick is just a lipstick until you see what principle they uphold in their company. 
4. Avoid unnecessary purchase – I've learned this the hard way. Buying unnecessary things doesn't just affect me it's bigger than that. I can't do much on my own but I'll do whatever I can.
5. Be more environmentally conscious – working on this, it's a lot harder in Malaysia than it was in the UK sigh
6. Join a reading challenge again – yay I'm doing 50 books this year (fan fictions excluded sadly) I'll keep y'all posted about this
7. Land my first real job – hopefully some time this year
8. Write more – I think every year, I'll say this. I didn't write more than my average word count in 2018, so far 2017 has been leading. I'd say because I was busy with finishing my final project but then again I spent the last few months of 2018 being a hermit so there's no excuse to be honest.
9. Express myself better – this is such a hard thing for me, but I'll keep trying
10. Stop dwelling on things I couldn't change – I need to stop thinking of 'what if's. I need to realise that I'm in charge of how much space a thought takes up in my life and differentiate what's worthy of my time. 

Exactly what the title said. It's been months and I'm back in Malaysia and missing Cardiff everyday.

I hope everyone's doing great. The year is nearing its end but there's still time for your own little plot twist. As for me, I just hope things stay as they are, I actually can't wait for 2018 to be over. It's been a wonderful year but I feel like I'm stuck and I can't move on. I hope with 2018 gone, all my attachment will go with it. I want to bring only memories I can carry into 2019, memories that doesn't weigh me down and burden me anymore.

At the start of the year I remember wanting to be a better person in 2018.
Looking back, I can't really say I'm a better person, but I did acknowledged certain things about myself and I'm still trying to fix it, to be better. I guess that counts for something right.

I can't wait for 2019.

Lying on the grass, waiting for sunset beside a little fountain in the park, I really love my life in these little moments

I wrote this letter hoping it will never reach you. I'm pouring my heart into an ocean of endless possibilities, singing melodies you didn't know. I hope someday I could love another like I loved you. You came crashing, like waves of saltwater and sea bubbles erasing foot steps others left on my battered heart. I found myself slowly letting go of what ifs and what could've been. I found myself loving you, I found myself loving me. Maybe this isn't love, but I'm grateful still. I learned new ways of loving when I met you, ones where you made me love myself first. Seeing you weave your way through life made me want to be happy and I think that's enough. You inspired me for greater things, simply by holding my hand along the way and telling me you believe. I could never thank you enough for existing. I hope someday I could inspire another like you did to me, such a great honour to watch someone grow into their capacity, finding galaxies in themselves. I wish you well. Wherever you are, I wish you the greatest ending.

Sometimes I feel like a walking contradiction. I could say I'm a very perceptive person, especially to people and their behaviourism. At least I think so. But somehow I'm very oblivious to people's attitudes or feelings towards me. I'm not sure if I'm actually oblivious or I've just learned to tune it all out of my head. Like there's a deeper part of me that knows but an even greater part of me choose to ignore it and just brush it off. People often told me I don't hold grudges and I have very little hate in me. I forgive easily and I don't take things to heart most of the time. I guess it's true but in some twisted way that trait turned me into someone ignorant, I'm not sure if ignorant is the right word but that's all I can come up with at the moment. Insensitive might be more accurate. Yeah, insensitive. I'm already bad with confrontation, what a great combination. Does that make me a bad person? I've been working on trying to be more considerate towards other people's feelings but sometimes certain thing just go by unnoticed. If you think I'm being inconsiderate towards your feelings, please tell me. Whatever you're feeling, it's valid. You're valid.