Sophrosyne

Soft cotton dancing in the wind, a colour so white contrasting the night. Hair tied back, eyes sharp and maybe the cotton white dress isn't supposed to look soft after all. She is part maiden part siren, a folklore told in between flickering candle lights and hushed whispers. A fairytale told through generations, of viscous creatures luring out men and killing them at sea, a tale to scare the little ones, a warning to the sailors who've ventured far away from land. She roams the ocean and rules the coves, singing sweet lullabies across seven seas. Her beauty is said to rival that of a goddess, skin glittering with scales of blue and green. She is graceful in the most dangerous way. It is believed that if she tells you her name, the sea will swallow you whole and you are forever bound. A mortal life in exchange for eternity, living alongside the undead. Of course, nobody has ever lived to tell, but those lost at sea, if lucky, will be offered her name.

Black jeans, poetry books, 5 a.m. sunrise, screaming in the rain, colourful neck ties, vintage photos, desserts, pancake for dinner, iced coffee all year long, slow Jazz and RnB, ferris wheels at sunset, hugs, that white dress of mine you loved, coke, long car rides with the windows down, red velvet cake, forehead kisses, sleeping without our shirts on, chocolate ice cream, rainbows in the rain, video games, movie dates, good morning kisses, striped shirt, painting, the moon, long walks, walking on the grass barefooted, goldfish shaped clouds, summer, red lips, long distance, sugar, babydoll, cities, ghost town, clear cloudless night sky, maple leaves, footprints along the beach, love

I often wonder, did I ever love you? Was it love or was it purely infatuation? I didn't know if I loved you or the image of you I made up in my mind. As the years go by the blind starts to fade, the perfect person I created inside my head slowly turning against me. I forgot the person didn't exist, I forgot that people are flawed in nature. 16 year old me was eager to fall in love she forgot that love alone wasn't enough, I hope someone would've told her that. Love alone wasn't enough, no communication, no tolerance no patience, love alone wasn't enough. I'm sorry I was such a horrible person. I'm still trying to learn. Loving myself and people in return.

It's the first day of spring. Sprouts of little yellow flowers covering vast green meadows. New beginning of a beautiful life. Short-lived yet so worthwhile. Have you ever thought of how flowers have a really short lifespan? They bloom and flourish only to be plucked to their death. Even in their last moments, they give so much joy to people. Beautiful and delicate, pretty little flowers. They come and go, living and dying. I wish I could live like flowers too, bringing joy to people even in my last breath. Some people want to be remembered after their death, a tale passed down generation after generation. Maybe, to be told in history books and biographies. And me? Maybe I just want to make the people around me happy.

Make no apologies for the way your voice cracked whenever it gets a little too much. You are human, as real as the touch of your skin on mine. Do not feel ashamed of the things that make you human. We're all scared in different ways, hiding behind perfect lined teeth and nonchalant laughs. It's perfectly okay to want to vomit your guts out seconds before you go up on that stage, rehearsing your words before speaking up in class or that little pep talk in your head standing in line for coffee. It's okay, you're okay. You are your own strength. People will always have something to say about how you live your life but it's important that you yourself know where you stand. Learning to love oneself is a never ending journey. You will come to realise at one point, when you think you've accepted your flaws and insecurities, it comes back in merciless waves, catching you off guard and you're back to where you started. It happens and it's okay. It's okay. Loving the little pieces that we have grown to despise all our lives does not happen in a day, it's okay. Make no apologies for loving the pieces of you that needed loving.

In that split second, nothing mattered anymore. You painted my sky blue and sculptured my heart with gold. You give me hope that tomorrow the sun will still rise, brighter better days ahead. In that moment I know God sent me an angel. In that moment I know where my tomorrow lies. We're both lying on soft blanket of grass, your hand brushing mine. The night sky mirroring our non existing conversation, quiet. Perhaps, God sent me an angel, but I know no angel is as beautiful and flawed as you. The eerie black blanketing me whenever night falls no longer scares me. You remind me of sunrises and a new beginning, a new breath of air after staying under the water for too long. In that moment I know what I want.

hello,

So this is my first post in my 30 days 30 minutes blogpost challenge! Basically what I'm gonna do is write something everyday in 30 minutes for 30 days (or however long I manage to keep up). I'm really nervous about this. I don't usually commit to this kind of stuff but I really wanna try this time around, need to get my life together somehow.

I'm gonna talk a little about what's been going on in my life in this post. I'm in my final year of university already and it has been hectic. I don't know if it's the final year pressure or what but I've been really stressed about graduating and exams etc. It's starting to feel scary as I realise shits about to get real. Work, adulting, all the no fun things you know. It's nearing and I'm a little scared.

It's fine to be scared I guess. At some point in life, transitions happens. Migrating from one way of life to another, adjusting to new environment and adapting to new survival skills, it happens. Those are the things I keep trying to remind myself whenever I feel like it's too much and too stressful. Life has been fast paced for me. I'm really thinking about taking a little break after graduation. Stay at home, be with my family. God knows how long it's been since I've really spend time with my family, what with being away from home since I was 13. So I guess I kind of need that little break. I really don't have a solid plan yet after graduation, and that's one of the many I have in mind. Maybe I'll stay at home and try to actually write my book that I've been wanting to write, I don't know. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Also, I'm a little (a lot) sad about leaving Cardiff. For the past 4 years, this little town has been a home to me. It's always gonna be a part of me now. Never in my wildest dream would I expect to see Cardiff covered in snow, it's been 10 years since the last time it really snowed here. But it did it snowed! All the classes were cancelled and we had a four day weekend. The snow was really thick, nothing compared to the ones in the US or Canada, but by UK standard it's pretty heavy.  I had so much fun in the snow, and I'm glad we got to experience this before going home for good.

Yikes, my 30 minute is almost up! That's all for today I guess. Next posts will be random excerpts of writing or if you guys have any request, feel free to drop by my curiouscat/twitter I'd be happy to try and write for you or talk about anything you want me to talk about. I've always been writing for myself on this blog, and for once I want to try and write for people. Thank you if you've read my posts, you have no idea how much it means to me,

Sand castles and foot print trails, all your life you've witnessed the sun rises by the horizon where ocean meets sky. It's a cloudless sky on most days, stars coating empty black canvas. Beautiful, always so easy to forget how something so exquisite from afar might not be as magnificent up close. You grew up wishing on stars, forgetting they've long died, a wishful wish perhaps. Listen, the sound of waves hitting cold damp sand. A lullaby, in careful calculated intervals. Nature is such a beautiful thing. Some nights, it's the sound of barefooted feet padding in between waves, the wind a perfect harmony to your sighing. Restless. Nature can do so much, until it can't anymore. Wishes on dead stars don't come true, you wished someone could've told you that sooner.

And it wasn't love that brought us back together, it was heartbreak. It was going through sleepless nights thinking what went wrong, it was reading old conversations and scrolling old photos. It was heartbreak that brought us back, sitting across each other in that dimly lit diner. You looked as good as ever, a smile never leaving your face. You looked happier now, I'm glad. We talked about everything and anything, it felt like those years of not seeing each other never existed. Comfortable. We laid our heartbreaks on the table, knives and forks poking our battered heart. We didn't come here to put it back together and we both knew that. I showed you my scars, ones you left behind and in return you showed me bloodied hands and bruised skin, my fingerprints all over your bones. We laid our battles before us. One by one. We should've done this ages ago but I'm glad we did now. I'm glad to see you again. That night, we part ways with pieces of our hearts in each other's palm, safe and home. That night, I said good bye and actually mean it.