Sophrosyne

Lately, I'm enjoying my own company so much it scares me. It scares me that I'm content with being alone and doing things alone. I've always been a little bit on the introverted side but it's gotten a lot worse. I can't go shopping with people anymore, I can't watch movies on the laptop with people anymore, I can't do the things I'm used to do alone with people without it being awkward. I think I can still tolerate most things but the shopping or just going out part is the most obvious. It's weird as fuck to go out with people and do some shopping together, unless we're really close. I mean really really close that I can go out with you and not run out of things to talk about. There's like only few of those people, I can count them with one hand, which most of them are not here in the UK. This year alone, I can count how many times I haven't gone out by myself.

I love going out on my own because I don't have to rush anything I can walk as slow as I want or got lost in the crowd for fun. Not many people can understand the way my mind works, not many people can follow me into every shop looking at ridiculous things which I won't buy, without questioning it. I like spending my time like that, with no worries, not many people can understand that. And I hate when people question my fashion sense when I'm shopping for clothes hahahaha I know my taste is weird shut up. Usually when I'm out shopping with people, I'll just follow them around and silently wishing they'd finish faster so I can go home. I don't have the motivation to actually go around and go to the places I wanna go because I know my type of shopping differs from most people. Like who'd follow me spend half an hour looking at cute postcards and birthday cards at Paper Chase?! Maybe Anas, because he started the postcard hunting shit I've been doing for the past year or so smh. When I go out, I eat a lot. Like seriously I went to Starbucks then singgah Auntie Anne's before balik I'll go lepak Krispy Kreme, sometimes if I'm hungry I'll go to Crepe Affair. My friends here are definitely NOT a food junkie, at least not as much as I am. I enjoy having lazy "coffee shop hopping" around town or having ice cream whenever I feel like, even in winter (especially in winter!).

It's not like they're bad friends, no. Definitely not. They're great to be honest but we don't share the same interest and I find it hard to let people into my life. I love them regardless, we've been through a lot together for the past two years abroad and I'm always thankful. It's just there are certain things I don't feel comfortable to share or to express around them; I'm a very closed and secretive person, always have been. Sometimes I feel sorry because I know it seems like I'm distancing myself from everyone here but I can't help it comfort can't be enforced and I appreciate it if people respect my space, literally and figuratively. There's a thin line between being yourself or a perfected version of yourself and I think I've mastered the art of knowing whom I can let go and be myself. That doesn't make anyone any less of a friend, just a different bond of friendship.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to terms that what I'm doing now is unhealthy. It's unhealthy to be so immersed in yourself, no matter how much important it is to enjoy your own company, too much is pretty concerning. I don't know how to spend more time with people because it's nice being alone though sometimes loneliness bites you in the back. I'm worried that I enjoy my time alone rather than with people. I'm seriously worried. Spending the summer alone here in the UK is definitely not helping smh fix this Nadiah!

You're like a high school crush. The one who I can only admire and gawked from afar, never near. Where I know every nook and cranny of your dramatic "first world problem" any 17 year old could possibly have and yet chances are you didn't even know my name. My existence would  be deemed oblivious to your everyday laugh with your small group of friends, lounging around the cafe during recess. But this time around, the difference is we're both no longer in school and you're a thousand miles away from me living your dreams and here I am watching you achieve them. I could never be happier. You're like a high school crush, but we're not in high school.

Have you ever experience an out of body situation, where everything felt so surreal and you kept telling yourself that this must be a dream, it must be, it can't be real. Reality seemed like a faraway galaxy, stretched in the open and you don't know what's real and what's not anymore. That's exactly how I felt when I get to meet these 7 amazing and beautiful people last week. I'm still recovering from the shock and adrenaline of the concert. 

dear diary,

Is it possible to love two people at the same time? If you ask me this question two or three years back, I'd say no. How can you possibly love two people at the same time? I used to think that love is something so sacred and you can't just love people randomly. Love for me, was something I cannot give so easily. There is no easy access no, no secret formula but once I love, I love with everything I have, every drop of blood, every vein and bones, every breath of my lungs, I love them with utmost passion. Maybe, that's why I thought loving two people at the same time seems rather ridiculous. My insides burn from loving one person, how can you survive two? That's suicide, or so I thought.

But then as I grow, I learn that loving someone doesn't always have to be like that. It doesn't have to be fireworks and explosions. You don't have to be burnt aflame, engulfing everything along the way. Sometimes, it can be soft, like how the breeze kisses your cheeks by the beach as the sun sets. Like the soft pads of his thumb caressing your palm. Love doesn't always sets butterflies in your stomach because it could also be the sweet sweet pain as your muscles twist, head thrown back laughing at some silly joke. Love could be many things.

So ask me that question again, is it possible to love two people at the same time? Yes, I would answer yes. You can never love different people the same way. Maybe not everyone agrees with me on this but I believe, each and every one of us loves differently and are loved differently. So loving two people at the same time? Why not. But no, I'm not saying you can have two girlfriends or cheat on your wife ffs. I'm saying that do not limit yourself of love and compassion. In relationships, love alone is not gonna work. You have to want to make it work, you have to put in efforts and determination. Your love is what drives you to accomplish all these for a better relationship/marriage. Relationship is a social exchange, you weigh the cost and benefit and love is what makes you stay even though at times, the cost outweighs. Apparently, love makes people take ridiculous risks and make stupid decisions. You can find yourself in love with 10 different people at the same time, but there will always be that one person who'd tell you to jump only to have you replying how high.

And when someone says you can never love anyone as much as you love them, don't be surprised. Because you can't. You can never love two people the same way. The reason you love them aren't the same. They aren't the same. So what makes you think you can love him like you love her? Your memories of them aren't the same. Just because you'll never love the same way doesn't mean that you won't love better.

So I'm finally back after weeks of fucked up sleeping pattern (let's just pretend I have a normal sleeping pattern) and endless cry of agony of how much I hate studying for finals. Well glad that one is over. I really should be glad I'm free from the shackles of all things academic but the thing is, I don't really feel anything. Should I be worried? After my last paper yesterday I'd be lying if I say I don't feel happy but that's as far as it goes. Finished my exam at 1pm then I went for some grocery shopping because we literally have nothing to cook at home. I mean literally nothing, not even rice lol everyone's busy with exams nobody bother to go out and fill up the refrigerator. Got home, laid on my bed scrolling twitter, instagram etc and I somehow felt empty, not having to think and worry about anything. It's not even 8pm yet but I was bored, can you believe it?! ME. BORED.

I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THE EXAM PERIOD TO BE OVER AND YET HERE I AM DREADING THE IDEA THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO DO (joke, I have sooo many things to do but I don't feel like doing anything). I've been planning shitload of things and stuff I wanna do as soon as I'm done with finals but here I am on my bed eating Haagen-Dazs' strawberry cheesecake ice-cream. Ridiculous, smh.

I guess that's what happens when you anticipate big things. I've talked about this before, about waiting for the big things in life expecting we'd be happy when it comes. But it really doesn't do much justice. I'm relieved, not entirely happy. I guess I can say I feel suffice, not quite happy but not sad either. Okay I'm rambling, whatever.

But heeeeyy, summer is just around the corner! Lets not be all sappy and shit. It's my first summer in the UK and I'm nervous. Partly because of Ramadhan (have to fast for 15 hours oh god give me strength!) and partly because I have no idea what to do and I don't want to just spend 3 months rotting in my house doing nothing. And then there's that spoken poetry thingy I promised I'd do (yikes!)

If there's one thing I could instil in myself and every living soul I encounter, it's confidence.

My blog's a mess. Just like my life. Oh how tragic. I wanna tidy it up but I don't really have the motivation right now. I'm tired being turned up by "Fire" lmao soooooo I'll just let it scatter and all jumbled up for now but I swear to god I'll sort out my posts etc after finals

I have this habit of being sad and gloomy out of the blue. I'm pretty sure I have my life together to some extend and I think I'm doing great right now, minus the part that I have finals in 10 days. But I don't know, I'm exceptionally grumpy today. Maybe it's the hormones? I don't think so, it's way pass that time of the month. It happens tho, regularly. This. This feeling. Like my entire existence is nothing but a speck of dust floating on the milky way, aimlessly, without cause. And you know what's worse? All I just said is legit true. I cannot even describe what I'm feeling. Maybe, empty? It's not quite sad because obviously I don't have anything particular to be sad about. Frustrated? Yes but I don't know why. As I'm writing this I'm fighting the urge to scream my lungs out but I can't, it's 2.21am. My neighbours would freak out and I'd probably scare my housemates. It'll get messy and I hate dealing with anything messy it messes with my head. I screamed with my head buried in my pillow. It's still there, the suffocated feeling I have in my chest, it doesn't go away. What's wrong with me?