Sophrosyne

 This post is a little late than usual, I just didn't feel like writing until now.

This year's birthday feels like every other year, a little lonely but nothing too bad. I get to spend some time with myself and take a little break, at home with my favourite shows and iced coffee. It was nice. 

I remember last year for my birthday I wished for contentment and to learn to let go of my fear of uncertainties, and I think I have come a long way in regards to that. Life has been so crazy the past year, quite literally. In a good way though. In a good way. A lot has changed for me, but at the same time some part of me remain the same, grounded. I like that. May 2023, I'm engaged now surprise surprise. This time around last year, romantic relationship is the last thing in my list. Hell, it was probably nonexistent, didn't even make it on the list. But that's just how life goes, jumping into the unknown. Uncertainties. I guess in my journey to find contentment and embracing uncertainties I also learned to be more open to experiences and people. It has helped me to not let fear stop me from living, from touching everything my heart desires. Which of course comes with consequences, good or bad. I'm still learning, still taking every step into the unknown with my eyes closed. But now I have one more person to hold my hand and brave the bottomless ocean with me. 

This year I want to appreciate more sunshine and glimmers in my life. Small moments of happiness, tiny speckled stardusts the universe leave in its wake. I want to be happy again, genuinely. To learn that happiness is a spectrum, a journey and not a destination. I want to learn to appreciate the little sunshines in my life, big or small. I want to appreciate small joys of life instead of constantly waiting for one big bang of happy storm. 

Turning 28 isn't so bad. Remember how I talked about not dreading nearing 30 anymore? Yeah it's true, like I don't care about it anymore I wish I could tell that to 25 year old Nadiah, she was depressed as hell thinking about turning 30. Hah 

I've always loved May and this year it's even more special <3

May; of sunshine and glimmers. Love and faith. 

Warm and bright, you reminded me of the sun. It's still hard to look at you sometimes when my heart feels like it's beating out of my chest. Your touch is always warm, always so inviting and I love it when you hold my hand in yours. This connection we have feels like magic but you're as real as it gets, all warm body and lovely eyes. Love is a big word, but I love you, I do. I never knew love could feel like this. Feels like a comforting warmth in the middle of a winter's night. My midnight sun. I'm forever grateful our path crossed and I hope we'll continue to be in each other's life forever. Happy birthday love of my life, I wish you only the best things ahead this year. I will always cheer for you in every step you take. I wish you're content and happy and fulfilled. I wish you strength and resilience, to always follow your heart and pursue your dreams. I will be with you every step of the way. 

Happy birthday sayang ♥️

Spring's morning light has never looked more beautiful than today, graceful and elegant behind the sheer white curtain. The sun rises slowly, bathing the whole city in its light. Waking up on days like this is the best. It feels like nothing could ruin your day, another exciting adventure awaits. Mornings have never been my favourite but on days like this, I love it. On days like this, the quiet hum of the city starting the day is calming. On days like this, I don't mind waking up early. 

 Dedicated to the love of my life

Meeting you was a happy coincidence, a stroke of luck I never would've expected. My own little serendipity. Fate has a funny way of bringing people together and I am forever grateful. These days I like the rain. This city finally feels like home, even just for a bit. I was never fond of rain but now, whenever it drizzles I think of you, and that makes me happy. I see you in everything around me. I see you in every photo of sunset I take, I see you in the glimmer of clouds at sundown, the sky shining as pretty as your eyes. Each star in the night sky is a written poem for you, light years ahead. I hope every season I spend with you will always feel like spring. To always hear the echo of your laughter through my years, the sound of your heartbeat next to mine. You've shown me the magic of the universe is always near and always within reach. No matter how hard I try, I find it impossible to confine you in boundaries of words and sentences. Nothing feels right, nothing feels enough to do you justice. You are beyond these pages I write, spilled ink and tainted paper. And I hope you'll always be mine, always. 

 I'm trying to be brave this time, I'm trying to hold on to the hand you reached out to mine. Your fingers are cold from the rain, I'll hold you I'll hold you. Let me be brave for once and don't let go. Let me hold onto this hope a little bit longer, breathe this sacred air a little bit more. I'm trying to be brave, so don't let go and hold my hand. This echo of my heart beating next to yours, I'll remember it forever. 

 Open wide seas and borderless blue skies, of infinite possibilities and endless dreams. There is calmness in the vast space. To open your eyes and look up and feel insignificant in the grand scheme of things. A lost wandering soul trying to navigate the rush of time and people and memories. Look up, look up, the sky is always there to keep your feet grounded below. And the sea a loyal friend, with its wrecked ships and abandoned vessels it's still a place I'd go back to. Open wide seas and borderless blue skies. Infinite possibilities and endless dreams.

 This post is dedicated to the person deserving of everything good the world has to offer.

May is here once again, a whole rotation around the sun. Of rebirth and healing. Of spring blooms and warmth, oh how I've missed spring. 

Being 27 feels a little surreal to me. I have never been one to obsess about the future or have solid expectations of where I'd be at certain age but being 27 whoa who would've thought. Life feels like it's just starting for me. I'm still learning to navigate through my emotions and feelings (yes it's still a long ongoing tedious process) amidst adulthood. It's funny to think when I was younger 27 meant being a real adult but now that I'm 27 what's even an adult? A question I ask every passing birthday I guess. 

If you ask me how I'm doing right now? I'd say I'm doing okay, good even. Most of my time are occupied with work and then consuming media that interests me. Though I must admit there are times when I feel helpless, empty, these feelings are not unfamiliar to me. They come and go, not as often as it used to but often enough that I'm actively looking for ways to get out of this endless cycle. But despite that, I still think I'm doing relatively good mentally. Career wise, things are moving for me. It's gonna be a year soon and it has honestly been an experience. Working with kids in this field specifically too, opened my eyes to a lot of things. I've learned a lot in this short time and I hope to be able to continue to equip myself with amazing knowledge in the future as well. It's a tough job, so I always need to remind myself why I'm doing this. It's so crazy where life takes you. 

I'm still taking life one day at a time. I didn't think I changed a lot since the past year but after a lot of reflection I'm actually not the same person as I was and maybe that's a good thing as well. Manifesting a lot of good things my way this month and hopefully for the upcoming months too. Being 27 feels a little crazy to me, seeing my friends get married, bought a house and some quit their jobs and prioritising their mental health. We're all living and surviving in each of our own capacity, at our own pace. Though I will admit there's a still a sense of societal pressure reaching a certain age but I'm glad to be surrounded by supportive people around me. I'm always inspired by my circle of friends and my family to always be a better person, the best version of myself and I'm forever grateful. Looking back, I've lived a good life despite my lowest days or a horrible year, I've lived it and I'm here right now so that must've count for something right? I used to dread turning 30 like whenever I think of it I'll get so depressed and I feel like I'm running out of time. Time for what? I don't even know, it's not like I have some grand plan I gotta execute before I turn 30 I don't even know what I was so afraid of. It has been a little easier to welcome my birthdays now.

I love birthdays, it's a time for me to look back how was my year and revisit my new year resolutions, if there's any. I love my birthday, I love May, the month of spring, rebirth and reset. May May always bring you blooms and sunshine all year long. 

 hi 

Wow I haven't been on this space in so long, I hope everyone's doing well. A little life update (a lot actually haha)

I've moved to a different state. I've gotten a new permanent job. I can drive a fucking car now!! 

Kinda crazy but also kinda exciting to feel like life is moving again for me. It's been a month and I've been adjusting well. A friend said to me once that I'm good at adapting to new places / situations and at the time I'm like eh idk i think im just okay – because I think everyone knows how introverted I am and I'm bad with new people in general so it's harder for me to break out of that "first impression persona" I call it lmao. But things at work is not as bad as I expected it to be, so I'm really glad for that. 

Work was tough but it's kinda fun, I do and encounter new things everyday. I live for routine and I think it's one of my comfort even though it can be stifling sometimes but this new work requires me to be different every single day. It's a challenge and I'm still learning new stuff every day. It's tiring as all work is, and my body is still adjusting to the physical aspect of it. Hopefully in the coming months I'm more comfortable in my role and more confident in handling things. 

These days, I'm living life one day at a time and I find it easier for me to navigate and get through my days. I hope everyone is doing well too, and is coping life with any way that works for you. Till next time!

 Hi, 

It seems I only come on here whenever I'm in a bad headspace. It's a shame when I used to love writing here when I'm happy. I've been feeling empty lately, like I'm not really living. The days pass by and I'm rooted in one place unable to move. I cannot decipher my feelings anymore. I thought I've come to learn and identify my emotions but apparently it's a lot harder than I expected. It happens, bad days happen. But it's so hard to look forward to tomorrow when you know nothing awaits you. Maybe I need to make one of those lists again, the things I'm grateful for, I haven't done that yet in 2021.  

Life feels so bleak to me. I wanna do something I love again, something that makes me feel alive. I talked to some friends and funny enough they all asked me the same question, 

"What do you actually enjoy doing?"

It breaks my heart that I do not have a definite answer for that. What do I actually enjoy doing now? What do I look forward to? The things I used to love all seems to be slipping through my fingers. They no longer bring me joy or comfort, sometimes it feels like a chore. As we cruise through life, it's normal that our interests change. To grow out of certain hobbies, to let go of certain pastime but then what if nothing new comes? Nothing sparks that fire inside you again? I've missed the thrill of being interested in something. 

I've never dreamed of big things. Living a quite and fulfilling life is fine for me, as long as I'm content, doing the things I love. But now I no longer know what they are? What am I supposed to do? It's a weird phase right now, at this age it's very confusing you're still discovering life. Unlearning and relearning yourself does that to you but I can't help feeling so helpless and empty. I've always told myself to find happiness in the little things. To see the most mundane of life as little specks of happiness, then you will learn to appreciate galaxies and a whole new universe but even that feels so exhausting right now. I hope tomorrow's sunrise brings me calmness, body and mind. 

 Heart made of a thousand folded paper planes, each a love letter written for you. It's a language we both knew so well. Something sacred we once shared. People often talk about soulmates, of a connection that feels almost cosmic. You've always known me best, I wonder if you still do. I wonder if people know soulmates don't exist. 

It's one of those days again for me today. I do not know what triggered it, probably nothing, probably something I'm still not willing to talk about. But it's a bad day or a bad half-day if we're prioritizing details. I've been doing really well too for the last few weeks or so. I've been sleeping early, waking up at 8am or earlier for whole weeks straight without the help of my alarms. I watched my eating habits, not drinking coffee as much anymore and never eating past 6pm these days. I've been feeling really really good so this crash feels a lot more painful than usual. It's like all the progress I've made, gone just like that. It sucks. But that's just what it is. You crash and get back up and start over. Haven't felt like this in so long so it's taking some time for me to process this. Looking back, there was a time in my life when feeling like this was normal for me I don't how I lived like that bless my past self for actually not offing myself. Like I'm having one shitty day right now and I'm writing this at 2am, barely seeing what I'm typing because I've been crying. Maybe I'd wake up tomorrow and it'll be better, maybe it won't who the fuck knows, definitely not me, I don't know why I'm here writing all this I probably won't even post it. I feel a lot better than 10mins ago before I was writing so that's a good thing right.