Life and death. Black and white. Most things are created in pairs and I wonder if God forgot to create one for me.
If you're reading this, you're probably one of the person she loves most and I hope you know how lucky you are for that. My best friend carries a universe inside her, one where I hope you would take the time to map and explore. It could take you all your life but I hope you're patient. She is the star on a clear night, she is also the gloomy sky when it rains and storms. I hope you can appreciate her when she's shining her brightest and lift her up when she's on her knees having the weight of the world crushing her down. She is an ocean, her tides change with the moon. And you are a sailor in her waters, brave, conquering the raging storm. If you're reading this I know she has found the one, hopefully the love of her life because I will not settle for anything less.
My best friend does not know how to love in moderation because when she falls, she falls hard and she falls fast. She's strong but fragile, she cries easily but she's determine in her decisions, she knows how to stand her ground. She has loved and been loved. She too has been hurt and broken. If you're reading this, you probably have pieces of her broken heart if not whole. I will not ask you to patch her up because my best friend is not some ceramic doll that needs fixing. She is the girl standing next to you now because of her broken pieces. She is more than her broken heart. What I dare ask is to treasure her for all she is. I hope you love her sharp edges even though sometimes she bleeds from it. I hope you kiss her wounds better. I hope you fall in love with the way she laughs at something stupid. I hope you realise how much she loves you when you look into her eyes. Most importantly, I hope you'll love her as much I did, as much as I do.
She has been my world and you will soon be hers. Do not let her crash and burn because I will pour you the ashes and drown you in your own fire.
happiest birthday my lovely Haziera I hope you know you are loved wherever you are <3
You had winter flowing in your veins, the shuddering cold a familiar friend. Never once you tasted summer. So when her fingers touched yours, suddenly spring was blooming and you've never seen so many cherry blossoms in your life. You wonder if this is what summer tasted like, if ever a season could be tasted. She was warm and bright, like summer's heat, refreshing but undoubtedly unfamiliar. She left, leaving autumn in her wake. And you're back into the familiar cold winter but it's not the same anymore. Fleeting seasons but permanent memories.
Postcards
I love it when you send me postcards.
It's a small gesture, but to me it means the world. It's like there's traces of me all over the world, be it in your thoughts or the open sea in front of you. It makes me all warm and tingly knowing that despite being thousands of miles away, from one country to another I'm always there. Maybe not in flesh but definitely in soul. I lie in bed at night thinking which country is it this time. Though I may not know where you are I am comforted knowing eventually you'll come back home to me. The smiley on your postcards is enough to make me smile the whole day. Sometimes it's a long heartfelt confession, other times just a simple
'I miss you'.
Eloquent.
Some time long ago, I told you how much I love classic hand-written love letters, the effort of holding pen and paper, writing instead of typing, crossing out sentences instead of pressing the backspace button. There's something that feels a lot more sincere and genuine to it. You laughed and I know writing is not your forte. So when I received your first postcard, I couldn't stop glowing the whole day. Then, the mailman keeps on coming every week or so and I'm so surprised you remember. Even more surprised that you go as far as scribbling little notes and your thoughts for me. It may seemed like nothing to other people, but knowing you, I know this is a big step. Dissecting yourself bare and open, vulnerable. The little things you do for me, for us. And I'm falling in love with you more and more each day, you surprised me more and more each day. The years I've spent thinking I know you, and you always prove me wrong. We're discovering more of each other as each anniversary pass and I want to love every version of you just like how you've loved mine. We argued a lot, sometimes petty misunderstandings lead to petty arguments. Sometimes we fight about who loves the other most. I've always said I love you more than you love me, but a deeper selfish part of me wants you to love me most. And I hope you do.
Today another postcard arrived. This time from Copenhagen. Your hand writing messy, but I've learned to decode your language enough to understand that you're coming home. You're coming back home.
:)
"It's easy for you to give advice, it's not you. You're unscathed, you're not in their shoes. You're not feeling what they're feeling you're not thinking what they're thinking. It's easy for you, it's not easy for them"
There was a time I sometimes got offended when people ask me advice and then go off doing the exact opposite. Why ask for advice if you're not gonna listen, consider and think about it even just for a minute.
They probably did. They probably think about it all night, gnawing up their sleep and comfort. They probably think about it a lot. Sometimes I'd like to think I'm selfless, I believe that I'm selfless when in reality I am not. I am the most selfish person I've ever known. I comfort people tricking myself that I'm doing it for them but most of the time it's because I feel worthy, I feel like I'm useful in some way for them and that makes me feel good. Selfish.
How to stop being selfish.
There was a time I sometimes got offended when people ask me advice and then go off doing the exact opposite. Why ask for advice if you're not gonna listen, consider and think about it even just for a minute.
They probably did. They probably think about it all night, gnawing up their sleep and comfort. They probably think about it a lot. Sometimes I'd like to think I'm selfless, I believe that I'm selfless when in reality I am not. I am the most selfish person I've ever known. I comfort people tricking myself that I'm doing it for them but most of the time it's because I feel worthy, I feel like I'm useful in some way for them and that makes me feel good. Selfish.
How to stop being selfish.
I write about love a lot for someone with little to none experience of being in a relationship.
The love of my life.
He's beautiful. Everything I could ever imagine in a person all wrapped into one body of smiles and warm hugs. The love of my life has always been a winter boy but he had summer tucked in his back pocket, always so warm and comforting. He hangs the stars in my sky and helps me discover a universe inside me I don't know existed. The love of my life is beautiful, body and soul. He exudes life and positivity like his soul feeds on it, keeping him sane and grounded. The love of my life is everything I could ever imagine in a person. Maybe I fell in love with him because he is everything I am not. He is everything I wanted to be. The love of my life makes me want to be a better person. He sees sunshine on rainy days and brought me coffee when all I wanted was to curl up in a ball and never see the world. The love of my life reads to me whenever I'm too engrossed in my books and forget to eat. The love of my life has always been there, from the start, he's always been there. The love of my life has seen me at my worst, on the bathroom floor at 2am, the love of my life has always been there, he's always been there. Now it's my turn. I want to be the one holding him up when the weight of the world is crushing him down. I want to make him breakfast in bed and let him sleep in on the weekends. The love of my life has always been there, now it's time for me to be there for him. I want the love of my life to know that every morning when he wakes up, I will always be there, I promise. I want the love of my life to know that I will hold his hand through his bad days and binge-eat ice cream over netflix. The love of my life deserves the world and I am devastated the world is not at my expanse to offer. But I hope when night falls and his thoughts come out from their darkest caves, I will be able to hold him and tell him it's okay, everything's going to be okay. I will try my best to be his world, the only thing I could offer, my love and my heart.
He's beautiful. Everything I could ever imagine in a person all wrapped into one body of smiles and warm hugs. The love of my life has always been a winter boy but he had summer tucked in his back pocket, always so warm and comforting. He hangs the stars in my sky and helps me discover a universe inside me I don't know existed. The love of my life is beautiful, body and soul. He exudes life and positivity like his soul feeds on it, keeping him sane and grounded. The love of my life is everything I could ever imagine in a person. Maybe I fell in love with him because he is everything I am not. He is everything I wanted to be. The love of my life makes me want to be a better person. He sees sunshine on rainy days and brought me coffee when all I wanted was to curl up in a ball and never see the world. The love of my life reads to me whenever I'm too engrossed in my books and forget to eat. The love of my life has always been there, from the start, he's always been there. The love of my life has seen me at my worst, on the bathroom floor at 2am, the love of my life has always been there, he's always been there. Now it's my turn. I want to be the one holding him up when the weight of the world is crushing him down. I want to make him breakfast in bed and let him sleep in on the weekends. The love of my life has always been there, now it's time for me to be there for him. I want the love of my life to know that every morning when he wakes up, I will always be there, I promise. I want the love of my life to know that I will hold his hand through his bad days and binge-eat ice cream over netflix. The love of my life deserves the world and I am devastated the world is not at my expanse to offer. But I hope when night falls and his thoughts come out from their darkest caves, I will be able to hold him and tell him it's okay, everything's going to be okay. I will try my best to be his world, the only thing I could offer, my love and my heart.
People always think I'm strong. But I am not. I'm just good at putting on a show. At the end of the day, mask discarded, strong is the last word I would describe myself. But that's not something you need to know.
Attention. I used to love attention, so much that I thrive on people looking my way and noticing me. It brought a sense of satisfaction to be the centre of attention. My addiction to attention is not something people know because unlike bursting and sticking out like a sore thumb, it's more subtle and soft. People don't usually know they're giving me the attention I myself asked and somehow that's a good thing I supposed.
I guess I got tired of the spotlight. I got tired of trying my best to appease the public. I got tired of letting people see what I create and shape for them. I got tired of pretending. It was fun while it lasted. I wanna have fun for the sake of having fun and not because I wanna show the world how much fun I'm having. I've wasted so much memories trying to show people how much I enjoy my life instead of truly living it. I've wasted opportunities of enjoying the company I'm with, the people that matter and supposed to matter. It's sad really. I still love attention of course, but only from those worthy of mine too. Wouldn't it be better to pay attention to the friends next to you rather than hundreds of people on instagram/twitter who only feeds your attention based on what filter you use on you photos and how funny your tweets are. I'm done with that life. Often we took the things/people in front of us for granted. I've learned my lesson in ways I hope anyone else do not have to go through. I'm reminded of the things I took for granted when I myself was taken for granted, the wheels of life took its spin on me I guess.
So here's to 2017. Here's to more self discovering moments, more memories made and more appreciating of the people around me. Let's take it slow.
Red coffee cups. Packed highways. Grey skies. Stop sign. Yellow bushes. A flat tire. A kind stranger. Curious eyes. Empty bottles. A bag of cheetos. Dirty hands and blackened fingers.
You're so near but I've never felt so far. Slipping through my fingers right before my eyes. I can't reach you anymore. So tell me, where do we go from here?
