Sophrosyne

Hi. It's been a while hasn't it? It's been forever since I actually write about what's going on in my life and don't worry this post isn't gonna break that streak. Just a little hello to say that I'm still doing okay. A little bit out of it honestly, with exams starting tomorrow and I am nowhere ready.

It's May

My favourite month of the year.

Namjoon's right. I've always thought May as the middle of the year. Not June, not July. Funny isn't it. For me May is like a line I'm eager to cross, but nervous at the same time.

Let's hope this month continues to bring me joy and happiness albeit suffering through exams.

And hey, I'm going back home this year :)

I wrote you poetry after poetry, I read you stories of lovers falling in love. You have always said that action speaks louder than words. And I have been trying my whole life to do just that, saying "I love you"s without my words but I guess I'm just not your lucky star. When we were little, we used to wish upon shooting stars and each time, I would peeked my eyes open to see you. In my world you are my star, you are my wish come true. I could have infinite ways of saying how much you meant to me, I could have the stars bear witness of my love and but I am not her. The twinkle in your eyes whenever you talk about her reminds me of the 10 year old you talking about solar systems and the vast open space. Maybe you've found a galaxy in her eyes, while I am just a stray meteor caught in your orbit.

Life and death. Black and white. Most things are created in pairs and I wonder if God forgot to create one for me.

Postcards

"It's easy for you to give advice, it's not you. You're unscathed, you're not in their shoes. You're not feeling what they're feeling you're not thinking what they're thinking. It's easy for you, it's not easy for them"


There was a time I sometimes got offended when people ask me advice and then go off doing the exact opposite. Why ask for advice if you're not gonna listen, consider and think about it even just for a minute.

They probably did. They probably think about it all night, gnawing up their sleep and comfort. They probably think about it a lot. Sometimes I'd like to think I'm selfless, I believe that I'm selfless when in reality I am not. I am the most selfish person I've ever known. I comfort people tricking myself that I'm doing it for them but most of the time it's because I feel worthy, I feel like I'm useful in some way for them and that makes me feel good. Selfish.

How to stop being selfish.

I write about love a lot for someone with little to none experience of being in a relationship.

The love of my life.

He's beautiful. Everything I could ever imagine in a person all wrapped into one body of smiles and warm hugs. The love of my life has always been a winter boy but he had summer tucked in his back pocket, always so warm and comforting. He hangs the stars in my sky and helps me discover a universe inside me I don't know existed. The love of my life is beautiful, body and soul. He exudes life and positivity like his soul feeds on it, keeping him sane and grounded. The love of my life is everything I could ever imagine in a person. Maybe I fell in love with him because he is everything I am not. He is everything I wanted to be. The love of my life makes me want to be a better person. He sees sunshine on rainy days and brought me coffee when all I wanted was to curl up in a ball and never see the world. The love of my life reads to me whenever I'm too engrossed in my books and forget to eat. The love of my life has always been there, from the start, he's always been there. The love of my life has seen me at my worst, on the bathroom floor at 2am, the love of my life has always been there, he's always been there. Now it's my turn. I want to be the one holding him up when the weight of the world is crushing him down. I want to make him breakfast in bed and let him sleep in on the weekends. The love of my life has always been there, now it's time for me to be there for him. I want the love of my life to know that every morning when he wakes up, I will always be there, I promise. I want the love of my life to know that I will hold his hand through his bad days and binge-eat ice cream over netflix. The love of my life deserves the world and I am devastated the world is not at my expanse to offer. But I hope when night falls and his thoughts come out from their darkest caves, I will be able to hold him and tell him it's okay, everything's going to be okay. I will try my best to be his world, the only thing I could offer, my love and my heart.

People always think I'm strong. But I am not. I'm just good at putting on a show. At the end of the day, mask discarded, strong is the last word I would describe myself. But that's not something you need to know.

I guess I got tired of the spotlight. I got tired of trying my best to appease the public. I got tired of letting people see what I create and shape for them. I got tired of pretending. It was fun while it lasted. I wanna have fun for the sake of having fun and not because I wanna show the world how much fun I'm having. I've wasted so much memories trying to show people how much I enjoy my life instead of truly living it. I've wasted opportunities of enjoying the company I'm with, the people that matter and supposed to matter. It's sad really. I still love attention of course, but only from those worthy of mine too. Wouldn't it be better to pay attention to the friends next to you rather than hundreds of people on instagram/twitter who only feeds your attention based on what filter you use on you photos and how funny your tweets are. I'm done with that life. Often we took the things/people in front of us for granted. I've learned my lesson in ways I hope anyone else do not have to go through. I'm reminded of the things I took for granted when I myself was taken for granted, the wheels of life took its spin on me I guess.

So here's to 2017. Here's to more self discovering moments, more memories made and more appreciating of the people around me. Let's take it slow.