It was dark. All I could see was an infinite stretch of nothingness in front of me. Deprived of my sight, my hearing heightened and I could pick up footsteps. Slow and heavy. What happened? My head hurts, trying to dig out memories of what lead me here but all I can recall was water, and blood and screams. It didn't make sense. The war was over. We've won. All divine creatures wiped clean, demons and angels alike. The footsteps grew louder. My limbs weak and my head was spinning. I felt shivers run down my spine when I realised I'm not the only one in the room. It's faint but I can hear breathing. Soft, almost like he or she was barely alive. And then I felt it. Cold and wet slimed fingers on the back of my neck. Its grip tight and I almost choke from the lack of oxygen. But then the grip loosen and it's soft, caressing as if telling me it's okay, I'm gonna be okay and then my heart stopped.
5 years old
A little girl on a swing. Her hair in a pony tail, swinging back and forth. She smiled as the summer breeze caressed her cheeks, eyes turning into crescents as she looked at the world upside down. Baby blue sky and scattering rays of gold. Skin flushed red in the summer sun, she learned to listen to mommy when it's time to go home.
12 years old
Pink shoes and pretty dresses. It's Halloween and everyone wanted to be a Princess, so did she. So mommy did her hair and daddy told her how pretty she looked, a girl with the whole universe in her eyes. Halloween passed and she learned to love her parents.
16 years old.
Boys and kisses. The little girl left her baby fat and thick glasses, she now wore skinny jeans and denim jacket. A boy took her to dates and give her flowers. She later realised that flowers die and hearts break. Mommy cried with her to sleep and daddy bought her ice cream. That spring she learned love comes in many ways.
23 years old
The semester was almost over. A whole month until graduation to figure out what's next. Paying bills have never looked so scary until this point. Could she afford to even feed her cats? But mommy said not to worry. Daddy said his little girl have always been strong. That day on graduation, she cried in her parents' arms.
31 years old
Two twin boys running across the yard. A mother of three, with one still hiding from the world. Her husband's out there fixing kiddy pools with his clothes half drenched, looking majestic as always. She told the boys not to play with the hose only to turn around and hear them screaming again. She's reminded of how daddy would bring her to play swings when it's summer, even when mommy said no. That night she called home.
50 years old
It's quiet. Her children just left after dinner. She made roasted duck, her youngest's favourite and they talked and laughed until their stomach hurt. She looked up to see her husband looking back, a fond smile on his face. The family photo on her right a stark contrast against the pale cream wall. Mommy and daddy was smiling back at her, their eyes glimmering. That night she wondered if she's ever been like mommy and daddy. Would her children look into her eyes and see constellations, ones they crafted with their own bare hands.
n.a.
n.a.
It's snowing. The night is crawling nearing daylight, I am still rendered restless with you taking a stroll down my thoughts. I wonder, where did we went wrong? Was it my fault? Was it yours? When did we stop choosing each other?
It's cold and I miss the warmth of your body pressed against mine.
A hand splayed on my waist, a familiar weight. These walls feel like bricks of ice. With every breath, it drew closer to me and I am counting every inhale and exhale only to suffocate.
I remember how you take your coffee. Cream and sugar. You've always liked your coffee sweet, maybe that's why you left. Maybe that's why I didn't stop you. My coffee have always tasted bitter.
It's cold and I miss the warmth of your body pressed against mine.
The curls of your hair tangled between my fingers, soft. I remember how you would prefer a breakfast date over dinner. How we would trade morning naps with sipping coffee down the street. You've always loved mornings, maybe that's why you left. Maybe that's why I didn't stop you. My life have always started as the night curtain falls.
I'm sorry that you prefer sunrise when I am sunset. I'm sorry for all the years you thought you've seen stars when I am just a stray meteor caught in your orbit. I'm sorry for what I said and what I whispered. I'm sorry for making you fall in love with a picture perfect illusion but not my skin and bones. I'm sorry I can't be your sunrise. I am a sun setting below the horizon, never the one rising from it.
n.a.
I am not your manic pixie dream girl. Not anymore. I do not exist to fulfil your dreams and desires. I do not exist to be your muse, your inspiration. I am not your only hope at grasping what little good is left in this world. Most importantly, I do not exist to keep you breathing and alive. I have my own dreams, a sky full of stars waiting for me to make that leap of faith. I am my own body. I am my own mind. Do not see me as a concept, an illusion of perfection that dances and twirls around you without a care in the world. You are not the centre of my universe and I am certainly not yours.
- I should've learned that sleeping at 5am when I have class as early as 10am in the morning is a bad idea
- I should've learned to never procrastinate my essay until the day before submission date
- I should've learned that going out without a proper jacket when it's 3 degrees celsius outside is as good as walking through the fiery pits of hell, except it's the opposite temperature
- I should've learned that if anyone is worth trusting, it's myself
- I should've learned that sometimes people are your friends because they do not have a choice
- I should've learned that heartbreaks never really heal, maybe they do but mine left a permanent scar, ones I do not know if I could ever proudly show the world
- I should've learned not to expect people around me to accept my flaws and insecurities, the skeleton in my closet, my darkest most dangerous thoughts
- I should've learned to not fall in love with someone or something I know well for a fact, is untouchable, beyond my grasp
- I should've learned that time, waits for nobody, it never does and it never will
- I should've learned that the only person I need to love right now is myself
I've always loved cities. The vibe it carries, just never fail to blow me away. You could literally feel the buzzing life of everyone and everything around and it's somehow so comforting to be lost between bodies you didn't recognise and faces you haven't seen. That's just what it's like with cities, you're never alone even when you are. Chaotic but it made me feel everything but that, almost calm. It's like a cold windy day on a summer afternoon, uninviting but soothing, always welcomed despite the blazing heat. The shiny lights decorating the heart of the city at night seemed almost magical. If anything could rival the twinkling of stars from a faraway green meadow, it's this. Not as spectacular but beautiful nonetheless. Sometimes I feel sorry how the magnificent night sky would dull in comparison to the light pollution below but I'm comforted knowing that mankind could never handle such beauty. Maybe that's why I love cities at night best. They remind me of how beautiful things could shine and sparkle, just like the stars.
People would often question why I like cities so much. To them, it's just another jungle of concrete, tall buildings and heavy traffic. But I see more than that, to me it's more than just buildings and cold expressionless citizens. It's the rush of adrenaline and the stupid risk you silently pledge to, when you commit yourself into living in big cities. It's not easy. It's never easy. Everything is expensive as shit, everyone's always on the rush, it's chaotic, some might say it's a living hell. But it's full of life. Full of people chasing their dreams, and making it work. I've been to a few big cities myself, and it's always different. The feeling is different. The people are different. The vibe each city carries are nothing compared to each other. Like I said, it's full of life. Stories of people trying to survive the concrete jungle, scraping of what's left of their sanity.
Maybe I can relate to that. Trying to find myself and explore my limits, I tend to want to be surrounded by all sorts of life. Not necessarily making friends because the one thing I suck at most is making friends. So big cities appeal to me, as I can indulge in these various walks of life. Amazing isn't it? To think that in one way or another, you've crossed path with these people and changed their lives whether either of you realise it or not. You could smile at your phone on the train and made a stranger's day a tad bit happier seeing your obnoxious smile albeit not directed to them. You can see someone reading a book at the coffee shop and the next thing you know you're in an old bookstore trying to find the exact book. Amazing. Life is amazing.
If love is a colour, it'd be red. Bright, with all its might. Intense. But falling in love with you feels more like baby blue. Soft and comforting, never once aggressive. Your touch feels like lilac, if ever colours could be touched. Hesitant and careful yet laced with certainty. Grey is for the days I've spend missing your smile. Dull. Like the sun stop shining for a while. Your kiss, can only be described in shades of gold. A colour that resembles worth. A colour that won't fade with time. Your kisses stay forever gold. And you? Of all the colours in the world, of all the shades artists could name, not one would suffice to embody you. For you are all the colours at once, bursting at its full intensity. You are your own light. And me? I am your deep dark secret. Always in the shadow. Always there for you, even if you can't always see me.
I'm seriously exploring my limits. Doing things out of my comfort zone. I would like to share it here but I don't think it's an appropriate audience. I'm excited nonetheless!
The little things that made you, you. And honestly, I wouldn't change it any other way.
4. Polar opposite.
It's very disturbing that we're so different. You're like a glittering night sky while I on the other hand, a clear cloudless afternoon. We like different things, we listen to different genres of song. You write when you're sad and mellow, and I can only vomit words when I'm happy and jumping on cloud nine. We're like two sides of the same coin. Different but always in each other's need. It's amazing how throughout the years, only recently we started to discover our similarities and differences. Distance really did bring us closer. Despite being an almost contradiction of ourselves I'm always grateful how we fit so well with each other. Thank you for putting up with my weird ass, who sometimes would go MIA for a good few weeks and not talk to you. Thank you for understanding how I'm such a closed off person, I rarely open up to people and you're one of the few that cracked me open even just a little. Thank you for always being the one talking, when we're Facetime-ing sometimes for a solid 5 hour because I prefer listening than talking. Thank you for being the sister I never had.
To my one and only Izz, happy birthday. The little things that made you, you. I love every bit of it no matter how weird and peculiar. We all have our little queer side to ourselves. I feel like I'm writing a love letter oh wow if I have a boyfriend you'd definitely be number one on his list of people to be jealous of, so please feel honoured (let's all pretend I have a boyfriend for a sec ok). Happy 21st birthday you silly little bub. Just know that a lot of people love you, sometimes the little things they did speaks for them. Always remember you're loved by many. Give yourself some credit.
1. You're so different, do you realise this.
A good kind of different. Like a fresh breath of air on a warm summer night, refreshing. You don't see the world like everyone else. I would love to see the world through your eyes, to have a glimpse of a whole new universe that I have yet to grasp. Through the years, you've helped me a lot in exploring myself and my thoughts, as well as how I see everything around me. There's always traces of you in everything I see now. I see you in rainy days and gloomy weather. I see you in the coffee I bought at Starbucks. I see you in an old vintage bookstore. I see you in the booth selling bracelet and rings at the fair. And I guess it's a bad thing because it makes me miss you more :(
A good kind of different. Like a fresh breath of air on a warm summer night, refreshing. You don't see the world like everyone else. I would love to see the world through your eyes, to have a glimpse of a whole new universe that I have yet to grasp. Through the years, you've helped me a lot in exploring myself and my thoughts, as well as how I see everything around me. There's always traces of you in everything I see now. I see you in rainy days and gloomy weather. I see you in the coffee I bought at Starbucks. I see you in an old vintage bookstore. I see you in the booth selling bracelet and rings at the fair. And I guess it's a bad thing because it makes me miss you more :(
2. I know sometimes you hate this, but you're a thinker.
Yes, sometimes you think too much but I find that very unique of you. Every step and decision is well measured and thought of, a total opposite of me. You hate how you can't help but stress over something you know you shouldn't, when your brain keeps on throwing 'what if's and making your life ten times harder. I know, I've been with you through it all and I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry. You should be proud of yourself on where you are now considering the things you've been through. I know you didn't come out of it unscathed, and you're still healing. Take your time because I will be there along the way regardless.
Yes, sometimes you think too much but I find that very unique of you. Every step and decision is well measured and thought of, a total opposite of me. You hate how you can't help but stress over something you know you shouldn't, when your brain keeps on throwing 'what if's and making your life ten times harder. I know, I've been with you through it all and I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry. You should be proud of yourself on where you are now considering the things you've been through. I know you didn't come out of it unscathed, and you're still healing. Take your time because I will be there along the way regardless.
3. I love how you can express yourself freely. You said things that crosses your mind and you're not afraid to voice your thoughts on things. I find it very intriguing that you're able to open up and talk about things that bother you or things that piqued your curiosity. What I envy most is how you could strip all your emotions bare and be naked with your feelings around your closest company. Opening up your heart is not something easy (at least for me) and I feel very honoured to have been the one to witness your laughs and tears throughout the years. I hope you stay the way you are but at the same time keep on climbing to a better Izz. To many more years of finding ourselves and making peace with the demons living inside us.
4. Polar opposite.
It's very disturbing that we're so different. You're like a glittering night sky while I on the other hand, a clear cloudless afternoon. We like different things, we listen to different genres of song. You write when you're sad and mellow, and I can only vomit words when I'm happy and jumping on cloud nine. We're like two sides of the same coin. Different but always in each other's need. It's amazing how throughout the years, only recently we started to discover our similarities and differences. Distance really did bring us closer. Despite being an almost contradiction of ourselves I'm always grateful how we fit so well with each other. Thank you for putting up with my weird ass, who sometimes would go MIA for a good few weeks and not talk to you. Thank you for understanding how I'm such a closed off person, I rarely open up to people and you're one of the few that cracked me open even just a little. Thank you for always being the one talking, when we're Facetime-ing sometimes for a solid 5 hour because I prefer listening than talking. Thank you for being the sister I never had.
To my one and only Izz, happy birthday. The little things that made you, you. I love every bit of it no matter how weird and peculiar. We all have our little queer side to ourselves. I feel like I'm writing a love letter oh wow if I have a boyfriend you'd definitely be number one on his list of people to be jealous of, so please feel honoured (let's all pretend I have a boyfriend for a sec ok). Happy 21st birthday you silly little bub. Just know that a lot of people love you, sometimes the little things they did speaks for them. Always remember you're loved by many. Give yourself some credit.
xx
Hi,
I know, I've been missing and not updating. Well, life happens. School already started two weeks ago and I'm so busy right now. Just dropping by to casually drop THIS here. My boys just dropped a bomb ass MV I'm still shook, just thought I'd share with you guys. I can't write what I felt here it's too much and I don't think words could do the job so feel free to check it out, along with their entire album which you can get on Itunes, legally.
I know, I've been missing and not updating. Well, life happens. School already started two weeks ago and I'm so busy right now. Just dropping by to casually drop THIS here. My boys just dropped a bomb ass MV I'm still shook, just thought I'd share with you guys. I can't write what I felt here it's too much and I don't think words could do the job so feel free to check it out, along with their entire album which you can get on Itunes, legally.
He had his fingers in her hair, fingertips untangling strands of hair and felt her leaning against the palm of his hand. She smelt nice, like strawberry and peach, soft. Just like her. She looked so soft and pretty in the morning with her lips slightly parted and her long lashes a contrast against her glowing skin. The morning light bathing over her figure, making her glistens and he almost believe that this was all a dream, but it's not. It's real. She's real, alive and in his arms. Her slow breathing tells him she's still fast asleep. All the worry wiped clean. He swiftly wrapped his arms around her and pulled closer. He can feel the tickling sensation of her breath on the crook of his neck, where she buries her face comfortably, mumbling something intangible in her sleep. A smile slowly crept on his still sleepy face, and he's already half grinning when he caught himself smiling. His fingers find hers almost on instinct and intertwine them, firm. It's okay. They're both free from everything weighing them down today. Just for today, it's okay. Just for today, everything's okay.
