Sophrosyne

Have you ever experience an out of body situation, where everything felt so surreal and you kept telling yourself that this must be a dream, it must be, it can't be real. Reality seemed like a faraway galaxy, stretched in the open and you don't know what's real and what's not anymore. That's exactly how I felt when I get to meet these 7 amazing and beautiful people last week. I'm still recovering from the shock and adrenaline of the concert. 

dear diary,

Is it possible to love two people at the same time? If you ask me this question two or three years back, I'd say no. How can you possibly love two people at the same time? I used to think that love is something so sacred and you can't just love people randomly. Love for me, was something I cannot give so easily. There is no easy access no, no secret formula but once I love, I love with everything I have, every drop of blood, every vein and bones, every breath of my lungs, I love them with utmost passion. Maybe, that's why I thought loving two people at the same time seems rather ridiculous. My insides burn from loving one person, how can you survive two? That's suicide, or so I thought.

But then as I grow, I learn that loving someone doesn't always have to be like that. It doesn't have to be fireworks and explosions. You don't have to be burnt aflame, engulfing everything along the way. Sometimes, it can be soft, like how the breeze kisses your cheeks by the beach as the sun sets. Like the soft pads of his thumb caressing your palm. Love doesn't always sets butterflies in your stomach because it could also be the sweet sweet pain as your muscles twist, head thrown back laughing at some silly joke. Love could be many things.

So ask me that question again, is it possible to love two people at the same time? Yes, I would answer yes. You can never love different people the same way. Maybe not everyone agrees with me on this but I believe, each and every one of us loves differently and are loved differently. So loving two people at the same time? Why not. But no, I'm not saying you can have two girlfriends or cheat on your wife ffs. I'm saying that do not limit yourself of love and compassion. In relationships, love alone is not gonna work. You have to want to make it work, you have to put in efforts and determination. Your love is what drives you to accomplish all these for a better relationship/marriage. Relationship is a social exchange, you weigh the cost and benefit and love is what makes you stay even though at times, the cost outweighs. Apparently, love makes people take ridiculous risks and make stupid decisions. You can find yourself in love with 10 different people at the same time, but there will always be that one person who'd tell you to jump only to have you replying how high.

And when someone says you can never love anyone as much as you love them, don't be surprised. Because you can't. You can never love two people the same way. The reason you love them aren't the same. They aren't the same. So what makes you think you can love him like you love her? Your memories of them aren't the same. Just because you'll never love the same way doesn't mean that you won't love better.

So I'm finally back after weeks of fucked up sleeping pattern (let's just pretend I have a normal sleeping pattern) and endless cry of agony of how much I hate studying for finals. Well glad that one is over. I really should be glad I'm free from the shackles of all things academic but the thing is, I don't really feel anything. Should I be worried? After my last paper yesterday I'd be lying if I say I don't feel happy but that's as far as it goes. Finished my exam at 1pm then I went for some grocery shopping because we literally have nothing to cook at home. I mean literally nothing, not even rice lol everyone's busy with exams nobody bother to go out and fill up the refrigerator. Got home, laid on my bed scrolling twitter, instagram etc and I somehow felt empty, not having to think and worry about anything. It's not even 8pm yet but I was bored, can you believe it?! ME. BORED.

I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THE EXAM PERIOD TO BE OVER AND YET HERE I AM DREADING THE IDEA THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO DO (joke, I have sooo many things to do but I don't feel like doing anything). I've been planning shitload of things and stuff I wanna do as soon as I'm done with finals but here I am on my bed eating Haagen-Dazs' strawberry cheesecake ice-cream. Ridiculous, smh.

I guess that's what happens when you anticipate big things. I've talked about this before, about waiting for the big things in life expecting we'd be happy when it comes. But it really doesn't do much justice. I'm relieved, not entirely happy. I guess I can say I feel suffice, not quite happy but not sad either. Okay I'm rambling, whatever.

But heeeeyy, summer is just around the corner! Lets not be all sappy and shit. It's my first summer in the UK and I'm nervous. Partly because of Ramadhan (have to fast for 15 hours oh god give me strength!) and partly because I have no idea what to do and I don't want to just spend 3 months rotting in my house doing nothing. And then there's that spoken poetry thingy I promised I'd do (yikes!)

If there's one thing I could instil in myself and every living soul I encounter, it's confidence.

My blog's a mess. Just like my life. Oh how tragic. I wanna tidy it up but I don't really have the motivation right now. I'm tired being turned up by "Fire" lmao soooooo I'll just let it scatter and all jumbled up for now but I swear to god I'll sort out my posts etc after finals

I have this habit of being sad and gloomy out of the blue. I'm pretty sure I have my life together to some extend and I think I'm doing great right now, minus the part that I have finals in 10 days. But I don't know, I'm exceptionally grumpy today. Maybe it's the hormones? I don't think so, it's way pass that time of the month. It happens tho, regularly. This. This feeling. Like my entire existence is nothing but a speck of dust floating on the milky way, aimlessly, without cause. And you know what's worse? All I just said is legit true. I cannot even describe what I'm feeling. Maybe, empty? It's not quite sad because obviously I don't have anything particular to be sad about. Frustrated? Yes but I don't know why. As I'm writing this I'm fighting the urge to scream my lungs out but I can't, it's 2.21am. My neighbours would freak out and I'd probably scare my housemates. It'll get messy and I hate dealing with anything messy it messes with my head. I screamed with my head buried in my pillow. It's still there, the suffocated feeling I have in my chest, it doesn't go away. What's wrong with me?

Sometimes I close my eyes and I see a clear blue sky with cotton candy clouds floating lazily, all fluffy and cute. Those were the good days. I too, have my bad days. On those days, I see storms break inside of me, as if all of my insides were jumbled up, all torn and a wreck. Those were the bad days. Sometimes, I feel nothing. I see nothing I hear nothing. Eyes wide open but everything's a blur. The faces I see I cannot recognise everyone looks the same. Those days were the worst. I lost the only thing I can still call mine. Me.

For the past few days, I have spent hours on youtube drowning in feels as I discovered spoken-word poetry. Instead of studying and doing assignments, I watched people open up and tell their stories, their darkest most scariest nightmare to their mundane life in NYC. To see people so vulnerable but so strong at the same time shows so much a person could do in that tiny little body. I see people fight for their dreams. I see people question their existence. I see people clung on their beliefs. Beautiful. It's just so beautiful what poetry can do to you. It makes you feel a thousand times more than you could ever imagine. Each word, each syllable, with enough stress with enough stutter, you crumble. Hats off to these amazing people who are able to touch hearts through their voices, through their stories. Not only you touch hearts, you aspire and give courage. I guess it's true, changing the world starts with oneself. Kudos!

"Kieran glanced at her with shimmering eyes. Neither looked quite human; The black eye was too dark, the silver too metallic. And yet the overall effect was haunting, inhumanly beautiful."

Lady Midnight, Cassandra Clare

"In a world so chaotic, you were my escape, and I was yours"