Sophrosyne

If there's one thing I could instil in myself and every living soul I encounter, it's confidence.

My blog's a mess. Just like my life. Oh how tragic. I wanna tidy it up but I don't really have the motivation right now. I'm tired being turned up by "Fire" lmao soooooo I'll just let it scatter and all jumbled up for now but I swear to god I'll sort out my posts etc after finals

I have this habit of being sad and gloomy out of the blue. I'm pretty sure I have my life together to some extend and I think I'm doing great right now, minus the part that I have finals in 10 days. But I don't know, I'm exceptionally grumpy today. Maybe it's the hormones? I don't think so, it's way pass that time of the month. It happens tho, regularly. This. This feeling. Like my entire existence is nothing but a speck of dust floating on the milky way, aimlessly, without cause. And you know what's worse? All I just said is legit true. I cannot even describe what I'm feeling. Maybe, empty? It's not quite sad because obviously I don't have anything particular to be sad about. Frustrated? Yes but I don't know why. As I'm writing this I'm fighting the urge to scream my lungs out but I can't, it's 2.21am. My neighbours would freak out and I'd probably scare my housemates. It'll get messy and I hate dealing with anything messy it messes with my head. I screamed with my head buried in my pillow. It's still there, the suffocated feeling I have in my chest, it doesn't go away. What's wrong with me?

Sometimes I close my eyes and I see a clear blue sky with cotton candy clouds floating lazily, all fluffy and cute. Those were the good days. I too, have my bad days. On those days, I see storms break inside of me, as if all of my insides were jumbled up, all torn and a wreck. Those were the bad days. Sometimes, I feel nothing. I see nothing I hear nothing. Eyes wide open but everything's a blur. The faces I see I cannot recognise everyone looks the same. Those days were the worst. I lost the only thing I can still call mine. Me.

For the past few days, I have spent hours on youtube drowning in feels as I discovered spoken-word poetry. Instead of studying and doing assignments, I watched people open up and tell their stories, their darkest most scariest nightmare to their mundane life in NYC. To see people so vulnerable but so strong at the same time shows so much a person could do in that tiny little body. I see people fight for their dreams. I see people question their existence. I see people clung on their beliefs. Beautiful. It's just so beautiful what poetry can do to you. It makes you feel a thousand times more than you could ever imagine. Each word, each syllable, with enough stress with enough stutter, you crumble. Hats off to these amazing people who are able to touch hearts through their voices, through their stories. Not only you touch hearts, you aspire and give courage. I guess it's true, changing the world starts with oneself. Kudos!

"Kieran glanced at her with shimmering eyes. Neither looked quite human; The black eye was too dark, the silver too metallic. And yet the overall effect was haunting, inhumanly beautiful."

Lady Midnight, Cassandra Clare

"In a world so chaotic, you were my escape, and I was yours"

What's wrong with being a little different? What's wrong with turning left instead of right? Everyone's a little different and being different is not wrong. We lead different lives, go through different troubles and meet different people, so how could anyone be similar? Yes, no one is ever truly perfect, so what definition of right serves as the base of your judgement? Instead of avoiding differences, embrace it. Get to know the differences in life. People in general are attracted to something they find similar to what or who they are, sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eyes. But deep down, it's something that's foreign and unfamiliar that triggered those attraction. You might find someone that shares the same passion attractive but the things you discovered on how different he is from you might be the reason for you to stay. It's the discovery that excites people. The feeling of being able to feel at home yet out of the ordinary, priceless. So don't be afraid to be different, don't be afraid to be who you are.